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I have been married since 2003. I have two great kids. I need some advise regarding my wife.
Here it goes.
She is not happy person at all. She always worries, keep saying we don't have money to retire we are only in 40's now.
She wants to quite her job and spend the time with the kids (only idea). But she drives the kids and me to the wall. We are not ready for her quite the job. We still need to finish paying the home first.
She keeps telling the kids, they have to get A+ in all the classes. My daughter is 9 and 5 year olds, we send them to so many classes. You will not believe. - Piano, swimming, dance, singing, karate and girl scouts ( for fun). She wants the kids go to best college such as Yale or Howard university.
I have so much free time now, I am thinking clearly how she is. The last 12 years I just said yes to everything she said. Why I am saying all this now, I had little health issue but I am home recovering but I can see clearly see how unhappy person she is. She is very sad and unsecure. Doctor just wants me to rest at home but my crazy wife doesn't want me to do anything but sleep. I am very active person before the surgery but now I am resting but keep myself busy with computer and other things in life. I can't sleep for long time, she is upset that I am not sleeping, second I am moving around inside home. She doesn't want me to move also. She thinks I can hurt myself. She gets scared of everything in life. Everything in life is about money for her. she doesn't know how to relax.
She did save my life by taking me to ER and so I am very great full for what she did. I just don't know why she is unhappy in life. She tells me I don't know how to make her happy. But first she needs to relax and be little outgoing and funny. Stop worrying about money. She doesn't like when I open my mouth, now I changed. I do yoga and I am more spiritual. She became different person what should I do now.
I want to be with her and I want to make this marriage work but at the same time I want the home to be little enjoyable. I asked her lets go to marriage counseling but she doesn't want to go anywhere. Once again, she thinks noting is wrong with her and she doesn't want to waste the money.
Thank you so much taking the time to read this and looking forward to reading your reply.
You could try writing her a nice letter telling her that you want a happy family and a contented wife but her fearfulness is making that impossible. Tell her that you are fully committed to your family and you worry that someday you will look back and regret missing out on the fun things life has to offer for the short time we are alive on this planet.
Ask her to think about what you have written and with a week to agree to planning one fun event every 2 weeks either alone with you or as a family. Ask her to agree to this for 6 months and then review with you some other goals at the end of 6 months. Tell her if she cannot agree to begin enjoying life and family time that you will have to start planning enjoyment on your own.
I think it is really good advice if you think your loved one needs therapy and refuses, then you should go yourself. Not because *you* must be the crazy one, but because you can learn new skills for dealing with her and work on some issues you are having. In time, she might go if she is seeing it benefit you and wants to keep up with you emotionally.
It sounds like she has a ton of anxiety. If she can deal with that, she would probably feel a lot better which would make things better and calmer for you and the kids as well. Has she always been like this?
Why do you think she is unhappy? You really only expressed her parenting style. Many people thrive in keeping busy. How do your daughters feel? Are they happy?
Why do you think she is unhappy? You really only expressed her parenting style. Many people thrive in keeping busy. How do your daughters feel? Are they happy?
He gave lots of examples how she is worrying excessively.
It took you 12 years to realize something was wrong? You have greatly contributed to this problem by agreeing with her for so long. You need to stop referring to her a "crazy", take ownership of your part in this, and figure out how to get on the same page. Sit down together and map out goals for your life, then figure out how to achieve them.
I'm not so sure this is a relationship that requires therapy. I think you both maybe first need to get some education on how relationships develop--you can do that with some good self-help books on relationships.
My first take on this is that she tends to be a person who is concerned about the future, concerned about the children's success, and concerned about finances and responsibilities. You tend to be someone who is more laid-back about those things. You both came together already having these traits. Then when couples get together, and they are opposites on a given trait, then tend to polarize--meaning they move toward the extreme ends of the continuum. You become more and more laid-back, she becomes more and more anxious about the future, the finances and the kids' success. The more laid-back you are, it will upset her even more. The WORST thing to say to her is "relax" and "stop worrying." Not only will that not help, it will make things worse.
You feel like you are thinking more clearly than she is. But I bet she would say that she is thinking more clearly than you are. She sees the financial demands that you don't see. She sees all the things that could go wrong with the kids' future success, you don't see those things. Some people are just natural worriers and naturally concerned about success, and some people are just naturally "go with the flow" types.
I can relate to being a natural worrier. This doesn't mean I have an anxiety problem, just that I stay aware of all kinds of things that could go wrong and I make sure I'm prepared. When someone tells me to "relax," that will just tick me off. When I was in a 15 year relationship with a laid-back person, I became even more or a worrier, and even more stressed about responsibilities. He became even more laid-back. He even learned that I could carry the stress in the relationship, so he never had to feel any of it. That may be what you are doing, without realizing it. She may have been carrying all the stress for both of you, so now to you, she looks like a "crazy" stress-fiend, and to her, you look like you are clueless and aloof.
If you aren't aware that you are opposites on this trait, and you never recognize or validate the other's position, you will continue to polarize even more. The key is to recognize the other person's position, even though you don't necessarily agree with it, and try to compromise by moving toward each other and not further apart. If you start to recognize more of the things she worries about, and take more responsibility in those areas, she will likely be able to start stepping back and relaxing a little. But as long as you fail to recognize the stresses, she will continue to feel like she's carrying all the stress for the whole relationship.
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