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I started this as a new thread since the thread on which it is based relates to Facebook and similar unfriending. This relates to a real world situation spanning almost 43 years.
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Originally Posted by jane was walking again
i've never unfriending any one before, but have had people unfriend me. There's someone who is a good person which i've been friends with for about a year on a site. recently, we had a debate, and it seems they have taken it personal and is ignoring me. i tried repeatedly to reach out to this person, but they ignore me.
i'm not the type of person that needs or wants a lot of friends, but i do value reciprocation in friendship online. this person is a good person who gets along with everyone else on the site. if i just leave it as is and have them has friends; it's seems likely they will ignore me in the future.
what are your experiences with unfriending online friends? thanks
I became friends with an individual, "Jim" back in high school, when we were 15, in fall 1972, ironically after a sharp exchange concerning my (then) relative lack of Jewish identity. His views and certain life events, especially the death of my father as 1973 opened changed that. He was not present at my father's funeral nor invited to the "Shiva" since at that time we were not close friends. I also doubted he would have much respect for my other friends, all far less intelligent than he. After my father's Shiva and returning from a summer trip I made a conscious decision to "change over" my group of friends since they were, frankly, of relatively low intelligence and maturity.
At the end of August 1973, on a 99 degree day we got together at each others houses, taking the 6 mile bike ride between. Since I had been, up until the preceding year, 10th grade, relatively unpopular and since he was the inquiring, intelligent sort I went over pretty much of my school and family history. That fall I asked directly for advice in gaining more friends of the relatively sophisticated, extremely intelligent and fairly mature group of which he was a member. I could tell implicitly he could be trusted.
Fast forward to college years. He went on to Yale, I to Cornell. Let's just say the start was rocky. Pre-med didn't work out too well. He actually made a short jaunt from New Haven to Ithaca to help. That spring unfortunately things went downhill. A bad reaction to cough medicine caused a sharp depression. The resulting suicidal thoughts did unnerve him and others. He was not the only one who cut off communications. Those did resume, at a high level of calls that made him and his family uncomfortable. Essentially my fault this time.
We fell in and out of touch a few times. Surprisingly though he did invite me to his 1987 wedding. We fell out of touch and I in fact couldn't reach him to invite him to my 1991 wedding. Nevertheless he and his wife took us out for dinner at the end of 1991. We talked little until my first son was born. He came to the "bris" and then we again promptly fell out of touch until 2003, when he invited my wife and I to his daughter's "Bat Mitzvah." From this point there was little oral or in person contact but brief e-mails kept us in touch.
Surprisingly he continued to treat me as a very close friend. I was the only one from our town at his daughter's Bat Mitzvah. In 2006 I was invited to his stepdaughter's wedding (his wife's second marriage). Totally unexpected.
In 2008 out of nowhere I heard from him on the occasion of his father's death. Again I was the only one asked to come to the "Shiva." He was quite open that I was one of the few that had significant dealings with his father, who was also frighteningly intelligent. Our next meeting was an impromptu brunch with our wives at the beginning of 2010. I had him to my wife's 50th birthday party at the end of 2010. He made short work of one of my wife's friends in a political argument.
After that we got together for an occasional lunch, about once or twice a year. The lunches were fine but the few phone calls have become increasingly unwelcome from his end. Nevertheless, his wife invited us to his 55th surprise party in 2012, and he invited us to his daughter's recent wedding.
What brings to mind an "unfriending" is the fact that my phone calls (about four or less in the past year) have become quite obviously unwelcome. He denies it but most of them have been virtual "hangups."
Question is, do I terminate the relationship or just let it end?
I say let it run it's course. "Unfriending"....whether it's online or irl is just not a good idea. Feelings get hurt and those feelings can last a lifetime. If you lose touch then you can chalk that up to just the way life is but totally cutting someone loose is difficult no matter how you slice it and just causes problems. It's easy to want to just "cut them off" when you have hurt feelings but imagine how he is going to feel if you really do that. I'm not saying that there aren't times when you have to totally sever ties because of ill treatment or abuse but I don't think this is one of those times.
I say let it run it's course. "Unfriending"....whether it's online or irl is just not a good idea. Feelings get hurt and those feelings can last a lifetime. If you lose touch then you can chalk that up to just the way life is but totally cutting someone loose is difficult no matter how you slice it and just causes problems. It's easy to want to just "cut them off" when you have hurt feelings but imagine how he is going to feel if you really do that. I'm not saying that there aren't times when you have to totally sever ties because of ill treatment or abuse but I don't think this is one of those times.
Thanks for responding since you're the only one so far.
But would it change your opinion if two of those "clickoffs" were to tell him that my stepfather had died (call in February 2014) and that my mother had died (call in February 2015)? On both I e-mailed the news. The first one he said he would call. Of course he never did. The second one he sent a brief e-mail response "I had not heard that." In both cases I did not call him upon death for two reasons. The first is that he asked that there be no business-night calls except for emergencies. The second is that I know that he usually travels with his wife to Singapore at the end of the year and the deaths were both in December. So I knew that would put him on the spot.
But does that level of rudeness change the equation? I suspect it's not directed at me since he is extremely successful and well-regarded, and used to people letting that kind of treatment slide. Or maybe he's "outgrown his friends"? Either is painful.
Quit calling him. He will probably quit calling you.
Why so much about intelligence(wife's friend his father) in your post? It makes me think you are infatuated with him. I had to keep reminding myself that it's 2 guys when I was reading the post.
Quit calling him. He will probably quit calling you.
Why so much about intelligence(wife's friend his father) in your post? It makes me think you are infatuated with him. I had to keep reminding myself that it's 2 guys when I was reading the post.
Guys don't break up. They drift away.
I'm straight but then why the drama here (link)? Just the same way people are now referring to others as "second-level" connections (from LinkedIn).
As far as intelligence, that's the most exceptional thing about him, his family and his network of friends. We're talking IQ's of probably over 170.
And to address the rest of your question, there were numerous (drift-away) points that were interrupted by a Bar Mitzvah invite (2003), wedding invites (1987, 2006 and 2015) and Shiva attendance request (2008). All of these except the 1987 wedding occurred more than 12 months after the last even casual conversation.
Thanks for responding since you're the only one so far.
But would it change your opinion if two of those "clickoffs" were to tell him that my stepfather had died (call in February 2014) and that my mother had died (call in February 2015)? On both I e-mailed the news. The first one he said he would call. Of course he never did. The second one he sent a brief e-mail response "I had not heard that." In both cases I did not call him upon death for two reasons. The first is that he asked that there be no business-night calls except for emergencies. The second is that I know that he usually travels with his wife to Singapore at the end of the year and the deaths were both in December. So I knew that would put him on the spot.
But does that level of rudeness change the equation? I suspect it's not directed at me since he is extremely successful and well-regarded, and used to people letting that kind of treatment slide. Or maybe he's "outgrown his friends"? Either is painful.
Sorry for your losses, I'm not sure what else I can say except that I stand by what I said before that unfriending someone is a messy business and you should just go on about your way and try to not dwell on it. Any kind of relationship is work but if it's not reciprocated then it's time to just let it go. Yes it is painful sometimes but you've got to just move on. Focus on you and your life and your wife and whoever is directly in your life at this time.
Quit calling him. He will probably quit calling you.
Why so much about intelligence(wife's friend his father) in your post? It makes me think you are infatuated with him. I had to keep reminding myself that it's 2 guys when I was reading the post.
Guys don't break up. They drift away.
I agree, I will add I don't think it is too smart of the OP to give such detailed information. He doesn't know who is reading this thread, there is actually a thread on CD about people who have recognized someone they know, it's amazing how many have. From a neighbor to a casual acquaintance.
You get the general idea across and be more vague.
I would have left off the specifics of dates and where they went to school. This situation certainly won't be helped if the friend or someone who knows him sees this thread.
Sorry for your losses, I'm not sure what else I can say except that I stand by what I said before that unfriending someone is a messy business and you should just go on about your way and try to not dwell on it. Any kind of relationship is work but if it's not reciprocated then it's time to just let it go. Yes it is painful sometimes but you've got to just move on. Focus on you and your life and your wife and whoever is directly in your life at this time.
Thanks. But read #5.
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Originally Posted by seain dublin
I agree, I will add I don't think it is too smart of the OP to give such detailed information. He doesn't know who is reading this thread, there is actually a thread on CD about people who have recognized someone they know, it's amazing how many have. From a neighbor to a casual acquaintance.
You get the general idea across and be more vague.
I would have left off the specifics of dates and where they went to school. This situation certainly won't be helped if the friend or someone who knows him sees this thread.
First of all he doesn't frequent any social media. Second of all what in there is either derogatory or untrue? That he hangs up on close friends who call extremely infrequently?
Thanks. But read #5.First of all he doesn't frequent any social media. Second of all what in there is either derogatory or untrue? That he hangs up on close friends who call extremely infrequently?
I clearly said it didn't have to be him who reads it, it could be someone who knows him. It's just not that you didn't say anything that was untrue or derogatory, you could have gotten your point across without being so specific in regards to dates and places....that's all.
I would have left out dates and schools you attended. You posted too much information making it too easy to identify him to someone who might know him.
Look I'm sorry for your losses, if I got that kind of response/responses from someone after my parents passed, I would be done with them.
Unless there is something medically wrong with him, possibly he has early onset Alzheimers? IDK, if there is big change in personality past a certain age it can have to do with a medical issue.
I clearly said it didn't have to be him who reads it, it could be someone who knows him. It's just not that you didn't say anything that was untrue or derogatory, you could have gotten your point across without being so specific in regards to dates and places....that's all.
I would have left out dates and schools you attended. You posted too much information making it too easy to identify him to someone who might know him.
Normally a good point. He has been careful to segment his remaining friendships. In other words he has kept in touch with one high school friend (me), one or two college friends, one or two law school friends and a bevy of people from where he works now (never mentioned). In some ways I wouldn't mind if he saw it. I suspect strongly since he is generally a good person that he has no idea how hanging up on people registers.
Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin
Look I'm sorry for your losses, if I got that kind of response/responses from someone after my parents passed, I would be done with them.
Interesting that you say that. At the time of my father's death I was only an acquaintance from weather club and one class. However there were a few in the weather club I shared my father's impending death with. I had an instinct even then that his people handling during tragedies is not so much poor as nonexistent. That being said it is a hard skill. Another friend of mine, who lives in Colorado, was reluctant to come to the Shiva call. His mother more or less made him come. He was pleasantly surprised that we were spinning Bob Dylan records (still vinyl) and talking about my father's days as a baseball umpire and that it wasn't depressing. He wasn't Jewish so he didn't know how we run our condolence.
Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin
Unless there is something medically wrong with him, possibly he has early onset Alzheimers? IDK, if there is big change in personality past a certain age it can have to do with a medical issue.
Not yet fortunately. His father developed Alzheimer's about 25 years later in age. He is very sharp.
The problem is simply Ivy League arrogance. He would give the shirt off his back for people and he even offered to help with my college tuition, an offer I rejected.
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