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Everything is right except the man who helped is actually a few years younger than me--he is 51. If I typed he was 60's I was half asleep when I typed it.
And yep I do need to hear it. And I don't mind a bit because you are right--I am too old not to "get it" by now. This comes from years and years and years of allowing people to stomp all over me and I am not kidding. I have attracted this type in my life all my life. And I think it goes way back as well.
I feel really good about myself that I was too busy today to meet with her. I had a great day and I thank you good folks who spent your time trying to help me. I was going to go and be around her today and I just know I would have felt worse instead of better considering the circumstances so I am glad I posted my posting.
Next time she sends you a text, click on the edit button and delete it without reading it.
That will feel even better and the more you do that the easier it gets and the better you feel.
I guess I still am just working on self-esteem issues. Like I said I am not a bad as I was. There is a big part of me that knows I deserve friends who care about me.
Nobody deserves friends who care about them; you make friends who are only those people who care about you.
Everyone else is an acquaintance to a varying degree.
You need to maintain more symmetrical relationships - we aren't likely to interface with everyone in the same way.
Perhaps you expect too much too soon and take on the role of doormat?
There are plenty of users willing to oblige so that's probably why it's happened to you before.
The furniture moving thing she brought up that she had asked a few people who she had done something for in the past to help her and no one had gotten back to her.
Sounds like those people wised up to her antics . . . why not join their club? There'll be a lot less drama and stress in your life! She's an ungrateful, manipulative, self-absorbed twit. No reason to feed it, encourage it or even respond to it.
And if she ever DOES get around to asking you what's wrong (she won't, she's too self-absorbed and will think YOU are ignoring HER and you will be the next in a LONG line of people who have "abandoned" her), tell her the truth: "Well, you pretty much told me what my friendship is worth when you ddn't invite me to your 4th of July party, so I'm just taking my cue from you and backing off."
I'm so sorry that you're going through this. At 58, I'm just now learning also and have cut two people out of my life this past year. I've been called a doormat and other things because I've always turned the other cheek and given people way too many chances. People like us suffer emotionally because we're more concerned about others than we are ourselves. Some of us aren't born with the genetics to automatically be able to say no or speak our mind at the moment. I don't like being like this and I'm sure you wish you weren't such a people pleaser also.
I'm in treatment for PTSD pretty much for words and years of emotional and psychological abuse. The only people I trust are my sisters and one brother and I have one friend that I met here.
Once my attention span on reading can last longer, I'm going to research ways or buy books on becoming more assertive.
It took the encouragement of kind strangers on this forum, but another board to give me the gonads to fight my neighbor that I've bent over backwards for them only to find out they've been diverting water onto my property. They're elderly and I was raised to respect my elders. We fought and made up but I swore I'd never be a good neighbor to them again. Well, I went back on my word and cut their grass for them while they were away. They returned home the other day and the wife told me I had planters full of weeds. They're actually flowers that I've been busting my butt for the past two weeks to stake. She told me she knew the type of flowers and said those aren't freesia, they're weeds! Needless to say I was livid. I told my sis and she said to me if you EVER do one more kind thing for those old bast*rds, I'm coming over there and kicking your arse! I asked her to please do it and maybe I'll finally stop!
You and people like us need to learn how to read people better and nip it in the bud before it starts. You do need to cut her out of your life for good.
You do deserve a friend that is willing to put 50% into the relationship. You weren't put on this earth to have people take advantage of your kindness. You are more than entitled to say the buck stops here. I'm done!
There are far too many people that are "me" people in today's society and I can't blame it strictly on the young from my experiences.
I'm so sorry you're having to go through this, I know it hurts. If I find anything in the future that helps me, I'll pass it on to you.
OK....this was hard for me but when I received a text from her I waited a few minutes before answering and just sent her a short and sweet msg that something came up. That was so hard for me and now I am feeling guilty!!!! What did I tell you? I am going to do a bunch of praying and meditating over this because I don't want to feel guilty for stuff I shouldn't feel guilty about.
And I am tired of the drama too. I am tired of hearing about "friends'" problems and they don't give an owl's hoot about my problems. Unfortunately, I have to be around this person in group settings. I will be friendly when I pass her. I don't snub people--never have been good at that. I do feel really hurt at the way this all turned out. I invested a lot of time and energy. It was most always one-sided but I had felt like if I was helping someone that was an unselfish way to be. It was coming to this because almost everytime I was around her I ended up feeling worse instead of better. She was pretty controlling.
I do really appreciate all of you taking the time to try and help me with this. Many thanks
Hi there! I also had a difficult time saying "no" especially if what I was doing could wait. I do not like ignoring people on purpose. I do not like saying "no" just to say "no." If I find myself needing to do this, I would rather just tell the person that the relationship is not working anymore.
However, I don't really have the guts to tell somebody that a relationship is not working. I have found that having higher expectations of myself and others usually weeds out the users.
I take on projects and activities. I also have a schedule for completing them. They could be anything, like learning how to fish, which I am doing now. Or it could be hanging out with a friend at the beach 4 hours once a week.
This would be my time and a good friend would know about it and respect it. Chances are good friends would know when to call me, when to expect a response and how to plan to spend time with me. My schedule could be flexible for them because we communicate effectively.
I'm so sorry that you're going through this. At 58, I'm just now learning also and have cut two people out of my life this past year. I've been called a doormat and other things because I've always turned the other cheek and given people way too many chances. People like us suffer emotionally because we're more concerned about others than we are ourselves. Some of us aren't born with the genetics to automatically be able to say no or speak our mind at the moment. I don't like being like this and I'm sure you wish you weren't such a people pleaser also.
I'm in treatment for PTSD pretty much for words and years of emotional and psychological abuse. The only people I trust are my sisters and one brother and I have one friend that I met here.
Once my attention span on reading can last longer, I'm going to research ways or buy books on becoming more assertive.
It took the encouragement of kind strangers on this forum, but another board to give me the gonads to fight my neighbor that I've bent over backwards for them only to find out they've been diverting water onto my property. They're elderly and I was raised to respect my elders. We fought and made up but I swore I'd never be a good neighbor to them again. Well, I went back on my word and cut their grass for them while they were away. They returned home the other day and the wife told me I had planters full of weeds. They're actually flowers that I've been busting my butt for the past two weeks to stake. She told me she knew the type of flowers and said those aren't freesia, they're weeds! Needless to say I was livid. I told my sis and she said to me if you EVER do one more kind thing for those old bast*rds, I'm coming over there and kicking your arse! I asked her to please do it and maybe I'll finally stop!
You and people like us need to learn how to read people better and nip it in the bud before it starts. You do need to cut her out of your life for good.
You do deserve a friend that is willing to put 50% into the relationship. You weren't put on this earth to have people take advantage of your kindness. You are more than entitled to say the buck stops here. I'm done!
There are far too many people that are "me" people in today's society and I can't blame it strictly on the young from my experiences.
I'm so sorry you're having to go through this, I know it hurts. If I find anything in the future that helps me, I'll pass it on to you.
That which is in red above could have been written by me. Comforting to know that I am not the only one like "me" in the world; however, sorry for the people who are and going through similar.
[quote=rosebyanothername;40356655] Seems like I attract this kind.
That's it in a nut shell. You are doing this to yourself. You need to dig deep and figure out why. What need does this fulfill? We are often our own worst enemies and we tell people how to treat us. You are telling your friend over and over again that you are a door mat, go ahead, wipe your feet. You seem to be in the "fixer" and "giver" category, thus you attract the needy and user's. Fix yourself dear one. Stop being that door mat. Surround yourself with nice people. It took me decades to restrict my giving nature to those who deserve it. I guess that's why I have so many kids in my life. Once you get used to being with like people you will understand the difference. Come on in, the water's fine. Beautiful actually
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