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My heart goes out to you. It's tough dealing with these narcissistic nut cases, but it'll get easier.
You're not alone, and you should not blame yourself for the actions of this adult. You have nothing to do with how an adult acts.
Should you cut her off?
Yes, I think so. You should stop trying to communicate, and you should stop looking forward to her attempts to communicate. It's all a control game for her, anyway, and in her game there is only one rule: You lose.
I'm nearly 70 and I have a daughter like yours. Long ago someone tried to warn me that she would never get better, and they were right.
Once you get over this nut-case of a daughter you may first find yourself very angry with her, and then -someday - you will find yourself hoping that you never hear from her again. I think you may always feel compelled to be pleasant to her, and that's probably the right thing to do, but you know that her promises are merely words without substance.
I never sent a letter announcing the end of our relationship, and I am glad I did not. I have blocked her from my facebook page, though, and I resist any temptation to peek at hers. I recommend that approach.
People like your daughter have serious character and personality disorders. Keep your distance, and keep your sanity.
It seems like you have a lot of conflicts with people in your family. You stated you cut your parents and siblings out of your life and now thinking to cut your child out of your life? I don't want to be rude but I think you need to look at your behaviors and expectations of others.
I also don't see your daughter as humiliating you. Now she may not be responding in the way you want but maybe she is not ready. To not speak to your child or in my opinion to keep trying over this rental issue would be very sad. Your daughter may have been out of line in how she spoke to you but to cut her out of your life seems very harsh
Have you thought of therapy with the individuals you are having issues with? Especially with your daughter.
Well, picture being the kid of Ted Bundy. My childhood wasn't quite that severe, but close. Therapy wasn't something that was going to fix my family, though it helped me cope with growing up with them. Most of my siblings have committed suicide. So, we're not talking Leave it to Beaver here.
Also, as far as my daughter goes, I can't get therapy with someone who won't give me the time of day.
I guess the term "cutting her off" is actually incorrect. It's more "letting her go," I guess. My conundrum is in whether or not to just quit trying.
My heart goes out to you. It's tough dealing with these narcissistic nut cases, but it'll get easier.
You're not alone, and you should not blame yourself for the actions of this adult. You have nothing to do with how an adult acts.
Should you cut her off?
Yes, I think so. You should stop trying to communicate, and you should stop looking forward to her attempts to communicate. It's all a control game for her, anyway, and in her game there is only one rule: You lose.
I'm nearly 70 and I have a daughter like yours. Long ago someone tried to warn me that she would never get better, and they were right.
Once you get over this nut-case of a daughter you may first find yourself very angry with her, and then -someday - you will find yourself hoping that you never hear from her again. I think you may always feel compelled to be pleasant to her, and that's probably the right thing to do, but you know that her promises are merely words without substance.
I never sent a letter announcing the end of our relationship, and I am glad I did not. I have blocked her from my facebook page, though, and I resist any temptation to peek at hers. I recommend that approach.
People like your daughter have serious character and personality disorders. Keep your distance, and keep your sanity.
I can't thank you enough for this post. I wasn't even offended at your description of my daughter as a "nut case."
When I found her facebook page just the other day (I'm not into facebook), I went looking to see if she was okay, as I wondered if she was in the hospital or something. You know, can I be angry at her, when she might have been in an accident and that's why she hasn't responded...
Anyway, her facebook page is just one glamour shot of herself after another, with her friends commenting about how pretty she is. There's not much more to it. I thought it was really weird.
I had actually gotten over "losing" her, but then felt compelled to try one more time, and she responded, and then nothing again.
But, you're right. It does feel like a cruel power trip. She knows it really hurts me when she doesn't respond, as I've told her so. It's a cruel cat and mouse game. It's hurtful and humiliating. And I told a friend just yesterday I wished she'd not responded at all, if she was just going to do this again.
I knew there would be some cruel posters here, but I was hoping to hear from someone who had been in my shoes. I can't tell you how helpful your post is to me. Thank you.
You know, I might give her the benefit of the doubt just because I'm not the greatest at responding to personal e-mails either. A lot of times people need to contact me in multiple ways - e-mail + text or facebook message + call, because I'm just not all that proactive about responding and get easily sidetracked with whatever's going on in my life. 7-8 days will go by and then I think... well... it's been a week now and it's too late to respond, I'll just wait until they contact me again or contact them in another week or two on an un-related matter.
My mom knows that and so knows to leave me TWO voicemails in a row if it's really important, lol.
That said, you know your daughter better than I do and she may be shunning you for real, I don't know.
Reading this makes me wonder if people get offended by that....
If she was anyone other than my daughter, I would have stopped trying many years ago to have a relationship. At what point do we stop begging our kids to communicate with us? To stop letting them humiliate us?
I think you said the key words...."If she was anyone other than my daughter, I would have stopped trying many years ago to have a relationship." In my book, it doesn't matter if it's a blood related daughter, son, father, mother, aunt, uncle, sister, brother.......there are nasty/rude people not worthy of our time that are blood relatives. That's the unfortunate, painful reality. Some are brought up in the best of families and turn out to be the worst kind of humans one could imagine. And why would you want to "beg" someone like this to have a relationship with you, who treats you like this? If it were me, they would be disowned a long time ago and I'd break off all contact. Is it sad? Of course. And the past is the past. Might have/should have/could have can't undo what is. Look forward in life, not the past, and live your life around goodpeople, regardless if they are blood relatives or not. Again, just because someone is a close blood relative, ie daughter, son, father, mother, etc, doesn't make them worthy of your time if they are not nice human beings. And remember, blood relatives occur just because of a random chance situation while non-blood friends are chosen.....hopefully wisely.
I think you said the key words...."If she was anyone other than my daughter, I would have stopped trying many years ago to have a relationship." In my book, it doesn't matter if it's a blood related daughter, son, father, mother, aunt, uncle, sister, brother.......there are nasty/rude people not worthy of our time that are blood relatives. That's the unfortunate, painful reality. Some are brought up in the best of families and turn out to be the worst kind of humans one could imagine. And why would you want to "beg" someone like this to have a relationship with you, who treats you like this? If it were me, they would be disowned a long time ago and I'd break off all contact. Is it sad? Of course. And the past is the past. Might have/should have/could have can't undo what is. Look forward in life, not the past, and live your life around goodpeople, regardless if they are blood relatives or not. Again, just because someone is a close blood relative, ie daughter, son, father, mother, etc, doesn't make them worthy of your time if they are not nice human beings. And remember, blood relatives occur just because of a random chance situation while non-blood friends are chosen.....hopefully wisely.
Thank you so much for this. I can't tell you how much it helps. I know it's sad, etc., but I learned very late in life to not let people treat me badly just because they were related to me - except for my daughter.
But, I thank you for validating that voice in my head saying that I need to act with dignity - the side benefit of that being that I also don't allow people to humiliate me. Even if they're my daughter.
Location: Somewhere in a Field of Hopes and Dreams
596 posts, read 627,813 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NoMoreSnowForMe
But, how do you do that, specifically? So imagine your daughter writes you an email saying she thinks she has a new job and you respond, Great, let me know if you got it. Three weeks go by and nothing, so you write again and say, Did you get it? Nothing. Then you wait a week and try texting in case the email didn't go through, Did you get the job? On pins and needles here! Nothing.
Do you just stop emailing and texting? Wait for her to email again someday? Then if she does, do you respond immediately again, only to get no response again?
How exactly do you "stand your ground" in this situation?
And if you are waiting around for a response at their whim, doesn't that make you their doormat?
That's awful that you have to deal with this sort of treatment but you created this self-absorbed monster. I have no clue how you mend this, but I do think at this point you're being abused by the monster you created.
I just wish and hope you'll be able to have a better relationship with your daughter because you do seem like you desire it. But do stop pandering to her. You won't be around forever and how on earth will she fend for herself without you...if she has kids, how will they be effected?
She's grown and if she can't recognize her faults now, leave it to the SCHOOL OF LIFE to teach her.
You know, I might give her the benefit of the doubt just because I'm not the greatest at responding to personal e-mails either. A lot of times people need to contact me in multiple ways - e-mail + text or facebook message + call, because I'm just not all that proactive about responding and get easily sidetracked with whatever's going on in my life. 7-8 days will go by and then I think... well... it's been a week now and it's too late to respond, I'll just wait until they contact me again or contact them in another week or two on an un-related matter.
My mom knows that and so knows to leave me TWO voicemails in a row if it's really important, lol.
That said, you know your daughter better than I do and she may be shunning you for real, I don't know.
Reading this makes me wonder if people get offended by that....
So, how does it make you feel when people do this to you? Let's say it's your best friend and you ask them how they are, and they don't respond. So, then you email again, and then you text and then you call. What if your mother behaved this way?
Really?
You can't honestly think that ignoring someone's multiple attempts to communicate with you is acceptable behavior.
This is incredibly rude and insensitive and selfish of you. One day they'll stop trying, just like me. And when you finally respond, they won't respond back.
You better think about whether or not that's what you want. And you should know that you are probably breaking your mother's heart treating her this way - even if she is telling you she understands and it's okay. That's what I always said, even when it was really hurting my feelings terribly and humiliating me.
"Benefit of the doubt" is when you think someone didn't actually receive the first email. Or that they were actually in the hospital so they couldn't respond. After that, it's not a matter of "benefit of the doubt." You're twisting that phrase into some kind of weird excuse for behaving badly.
That's awful that you have to deal with this sort of treatment but you created this self-absorbed monster. I have no clue how you mend this, but I do think at this point you're being abused by the monster you created.
I just wish and hope you'll be able to have a better relationship with your daughter because you do seem like you desire it. But do stop pandering to her. You won't be around forever and how on earth will she fend for herself without you...if she has kids, how will they be effected?
She's grown and if she can't recognize her faults now, leave it to the SCHOOL OF LIFE to teach her.
You're right. And your post is actually really helpful. She'll do fine without me. She's actually very independent financially and is very successful in her work life. So, it's not like she needs me for day to day living.
But, our relationship has been too one-sided and I'm not okay with that anymore. I'm having a late-in-life epiphany lately. I also let a couple of old friends go recently. One who wanted to do a business with me, as long as I did all of the work, and another who only had time to talk to me when she had time to kill while driving in traffic. I finally realized my daughter also treated me like these "friends."
With the old "friends," I finally asked myself what I got out of the relationship. The answer was "not enough" to make it worth keeping them around simply because they'd been around for so long. It's sad to categorize my daughter in the same vein, but honestly, it's the same thing.
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