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The short version is, I spoiled my daughter rotten. She is the product of a divorce where she was spoiled to make up for it. She's now in her late 30's.
I didn't draw any boundaries with her until several years ago, where I was managing a rental for her, which had become a bad situation where the tenants were about to sue her (and rightly so), while she went off to the beach to party with her friends. Yet, she criticized everything I did for her. I saved her bacon and she wouldn't even take my call to tell her what I'd done.
So, I finally lost my temper with her and told her to get someone else to manage her property. She was appalled that I would "abandon" her and that my love was supposed to be "unconditional." A good friend said, so that means I'm supposed to be her slave?
So, yes, I've run this situation and previous behavior by good friends and counselors and all are agreed she's very much out of line.
Well, the result of my finally laying down a boundary and backing off while she found someone else to manage her property, which resulted in her getting ripped off both on the management and the eventual sale of the property because she didn't want to deal with it - is that she has stopped talking to me.
So, for several years now, I have been basically been the only one trying to re-establish a relationship, and I am lucky to get a response a few times a year. I did not even get a birthday card for my birthday in March.
I had come to terms with our relationship just being over. A person can only humiliate themselves and beg for someone to respond for so many years before finally giving up. But, I thought, okay one last email asking how she is doing and wouldn't you know it, she responded.
So, I got all excited and responded back and - crickets. She'd told me about a job she'd interviewed for and was just waiting for the background check. I've emailed her a couple times over the last 3 weeks or so asking if she got the job - crickets. Tried a text in case email isn't working and - no response. I just asked her if she got the job, that I'm on pins and needles.
I've read and re-read my emails to see if I had written anything that might have upset her, and no, they are just friendly and chatty.
Her birthday is next month and I intended to buy her something nice, but now I'm at the point that I wonder if I should continue this humiliation by even sending her a card.
It's so hurtful and so humiliating to be treated this way. Honestly, I wish she'd never finally responded, only to ignore me again, as I'd finally come to terms with our relationship being over. And in case you are wondering if she's okay, yes, she is. I found her facebook page and she's posted on it just this last week.
If she was anyone other than my daughter, I would have stopped trying many years ago to have a relationship. At what point do we stop begging our kids to communicate with us? To stop letting them humiliate us? She knows this is horribly painful for me, as I've told her so. And in case you're wondering, no, I don't pepper her with attempts at communication.
Do you let someone continue to hurt you and humiliate you just because they're your children? I quit letting my parents and siblings treat me this way many years ago. I'm thinking it's time to cut off my daughter, too.
The problem lies mainly with my allowing people to treat me badly, and I realize this. But, I've stopped allowing people to treat me badly, except for my daughter. Once I attempted to establish a healthy boundary with her, she simply cut me off.
Has anyone else had to deal with this? Did you finally just send them a letter saying enough is enough? It's just so sad and painful. Thanks for "listening."
Oh my gosh....except for the rental situation, our stories sound much the same. No, I could never cut my daughter completely out of my life. Although she doesn't send me even a card on mother's days, birthdays or holidays and doesn't answer my messages, I still love her with all my heart and would welcome her if she comes to me tomorrow or in 50 years.
Oh my gosh....except for the rental situation, our stories sound much the same. No, I could never cut my daughter completely out of my life. Although she doesn't send me even a card on mother's days, birthdays or holidays and doesn't answer my messages, I still love her with all my heart and would welcome her if she comes to me tomorrow or in 50 years.
You don't have to "cut her off." Just stand your ground. In other words, keep your line of communication open without becoming her doormat again.
But, how do you do that, specifically? So imagine your daughter writes you an email saying she thinks she has a new job and you respond, Great, let me know if you got it. Three weeks go by and nothing, so you write again and say, Did you get it? Nothing. Then you wait a week and try texting in case the email didn't go through, Did you get the job? On pins and needles here! Nothing.
Do you just stop emailing and texting? Wait for her to email again someday? Then if she does, do you respond immediately again, only to get no response again?
How exactly do you "stand your ground" in this situation?
And if you are waiting around for a response at their whim, doesn't that make you their doormat?
It seems like you have a lot of conflicts with people in your family. You stated you cut your parents and siblings out of your life and now thinking to cut your child out of your life? I don't want to be rude but I think you need to look at your behaviors and expectations of others.
I also don't see your daughter as humiliating you. Now she may not be responding in the way you want but maybe she is not ready. To not speak to your child or in my opinion to keep trying over this rental issue would be very sad. Your daughter may have been out of line in how she spoke to you but to cut her out of your life seems very harsh
Have you thought of therapy with the individuals you are having issues with? Especially with your daughter.
You don't have to "cut her off." Just stand your ground. In other words, keep your line of communication open without becoming her doormat again.
This is, and it's pretty much what we did when our DIL decided we were horrible people and our son didn't stick up for us. We just stopped communicating completely for about a year. I always had hope that the breech would be mended, we were so close until he got married. When he finally called, we agreed to only look forward, never backward.
OP, I wouldn't contact her at all at this point. Let her come to you. I hope she does.
Last edited by Miss Blue; 08-02-2015 at 09:22 PM..
Reason: deleted the quoted post and your response
Moderator cut: orphaned quote and response
I send my daughter emails on special days. I had decided I was going to stop doing that, however, her birthday came and it was bothering me so much that I ended up sending her a message, a day late. I didn't send her money as usual, however, because there is no acknowledgement of it. It never was very much, just what I could afford to send.
OP, it sounds to me after reading your post again and the last one, that your daughter is typical of alot of people--too busy and a bit thoughtless/preoccupied. If you hear from her sometimes I would be grateful for that. It is better than not at all.
Last edited by Miss Blue; 08-02-2015 at 09:22 PM..
Don't get me wrong, there is a lot of good in her, but when it comes to me, she doesn't see me as someone she has to treat with respect.
I take responsibility, as it was up to me to teach her how to treat me.
Let this be a lesson to young mothers reading this. If you don't require your kids to treat you with respect, don't expect that to change when they become adults.
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