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I dunno why is it so hard to fathom that a gay man is seeking platonic friendships with other gay men. I also find it immature the way some straight guys feel about platonic friendships with women. I myself am by technicality, bisexual (though I usually just go by gay) are you suggesting I have platonic relationships with no one? I should just be with myself and my boyfriend? Puhhhleeeaaze! There are tons of reasons gay guys have platonic gay friends. It's someone to relate to. Gay men relate to other gay men more than to most straight men or straight women.
Don't take it so hard. A lot of straight people get their information about gay men from articles about hookups and bath houses, not from knowing committed gay couples. Two of my friends have been monogamous for over 20 years, and they have plenty of friends of every possible orientation.
The fact that they are gay is far less relevant than the fact that they are in a faithful, long term (permanent) relationship and accept ALL good people as friends, regardless of orientation.
OP, you are a man who is attracted to other men, yet you are seeking platonic friendships exclusively with men who are identified, by definition, by their attraction to other men. Do you not see the inherent oddity of this situation?
Here's something you could try. Seek out straight men who you do not find physically attractive and cultivate friendships with them. At least, any such relationships won't be marked by the "but what if we move beyond mere friendship?" awkwardness that can also exist within heterosexual male-female friendships. The only problem I would see with this approach is that if you later choose to "out" yourself to your straight male friends, they may become uncomfortable because they may feel you are secretly attracted to them, even if you aren't. I suppose if that happened, you could try saying something like "You're attracted to women, but you're not attracted to EVERY woman, right? Well, it's the same way with me." Then, with a teasing smile, you could add "No offense."
There is an old adage that says .. do not see in others the stuff.. that is.. within you
Actually, if you take "gay" out of the equation, what you are talking about is the same for everyone. It is hard to make new friends when you relocate as everyone has already established groups and you have to break into one.
I would just go about my normal activities, go to the places I like to go and hope that eventually you'll find the place where you fit and friends that you have something in common with.
As a single male looking for friendship, I wouldn't limit myself to any particular persuasion but just anyone that had the same general interests.
It is difficult at first to fit in. You don't want to appear desperate. Friendship happens and you can't force it. Go the places you enjoy and be out there doing the activities and you'll find friends that you have something in common with.
Who are you to act like you know me? Nothing about anywhere else I post is indicative of being needy or wanting something more. Maybe you should just refrain from commenting on my posts and mind your business.
It's more like you will have to quit making these kind of posts cause people are free to chime in on anything.
I think part of the problem is that you're in the SOUTH. Southern people tend to stratify, in social terms, in accordance with income, social class, age, race, and attractiveness. Until recently, in most of America, everybody was mostly of one race and one social class. The South has never been that way. There were the five separate social classes - just for White Protestants (Fine Old Families, Lovely Old Families, Nice People, Rednecks, and White Trash). And then, there were the "others", in other, more outre categories. Stratification and exclusion are so endemic in Southern Culture, people there don't even realize they exist. They're as much a part of life, there, as is breathing air. Air is invisible and ever-present. But unless you're taught the word, 'air', and told it exists, you don't even know it's there. Same with Social Stratification. And the bigger the Southern city, the more strata you'll find.
Straight people there tend to be born into complex social networks. They can remain within those networks at school, at college, in their Sororities/Frats, at work, at church.... Most Middle Class Southerners already have more friends/family friends/extended family than they know what to do with. When they get to Assisted Living, they tend to know the folks THERE.
Gay men in the South tend to stratify according to attractiveness, butchness, and money. While someone may be good enough to have sex with you, once or twice, he may not be good enough to be your friend. If you're not masculine enough; if you're not affluent enough, and in an 'acceptable' profession (nothing creative!!!); or if your muscles are not big enough, your face too delicate, your limbs too long, your torso too short, your pelvis too wide, your brow not prominent enough, your neck not thick enough, your jaw not square enough.... YOU'RE AN EMBARRASSMENT, and will only do as a temporary sexual convenience.
I'm from the Jackson, Mississippi 'metro'. It's probably the most miserable place in North America, for a Gay person: not because of homophobia, but because of the 'Gay Scene' there. What is subtle in Atlanta is blatant, around Jackson. Then again, Gays from Jackson say that Atlanta is even "worse" than Jackson. My Gay friends from Jackson won't even GO to Atlanta: not for shopping, not for the "River Raft whatever", not for ANYTHING. They don't even like booking trips where they have to change planes in Atlanta. "I'm not good enough for those people. And really, I'm not sure why I'd WANT TO be good enough for those people."
Two of the original members of our 'pod' of friends, whom I assembled from our Freshman, First-semester, Economics Study Group (which I also organized), are Gay. Both left Economics, and went into the dreaded "creative" fields, which, in the South, doom Gay men to being alone until the day they die. Today, having just turned 50, neither has formed a single long-term friendship outside our original 'pod'. One evolved into our 'Ad Man' (He owns a fairly large concern, offering Integrated Marketing Services). The other became "Our Decorator" (again, a sizeable concern - mostly commercial - projects scattered across the Contiguous USA). Their teams interface with each other, and, together, control the face we (the 'Pod', and our holdings) show to the world.
Because they began in Economics, and because they have, from the beginning, invested along with the rest of our group, the two have become reasonably wealthy - far wealthier than most 'creatives' should expect to become. Like my husband and me, they have been lifting weights since that Freshman Year. While other Gays were lifting beer cans in bars, those two were pumping iron and treading the StairMaster. After thirty two years, a two-hours-a-day regimen can transform a body. But, for them the transformation did not come soon enough. By the time they'd become majestic to behold (in addition to the musculature, a five-thousand-Dollar suit works wonders), they were accustomed to rejection. By the time they bought McMansions in 'posh little Madison' (http://www.city-data.com/forum/attac...es-cvs-030.jpg), they were accustomed to hearing things like, "I just want to git off. I ain't gon' kiss you or nothin'. I save my lovin' for somebody special. You're nothin' special.". As I said: what's subtle in Atlanta, is blatant, around Jackson.
And so it goes: by the time they bought concert grands, to have objects large enough in scale, for the vast voids in their never-used Living Rooms, it was too late for them to expect to host 'Gay entertainments'. Neither has a single Gay friend. (they consider each other to be 'esteemed business associates, and nothing more'). By the time they owned really expensive automobiles, they were so accustomed to being rejected, by Gay Docs and Attorneys, as "broke little creative losers", they were no longer able to see themselves in terms of being 'good enough' for other Gay men. One rude rejection after another, and they see themselves, in social terms, as being less-than-nothing.
My impression, after seeing them positively BRISTLE, when confronted with other Gay men - maybe a flight attendant, or someone selling marble mantels on Melrose, or staff on the gym floor at the Eden Roc's Fitness Center, or someone working the desk at a Ritz Carlton somewhere, or an estate manager in Southampton, is that they have come to see other Gay men as 'The Enemy'. "No, I'm still wearing Zegna. 'You-know-who' has the exclusive on Oxxford in Jackson. I hate that evil queen. Michael at Great Scott is straight. And he's nice. He doesn't give me attitude. He doesn't go into 'Roll-the-eyes Mode' every time I open my mouth. So, I buy from HIM. Zegna's their top label, but it's fine, if you go with their top line, and order their version of Escorial Wool, or a silk-cashmere blend."
They are no longer capable of even envisioning themselves as parts of Gay social networks. And they're no longer capable of forming romantic relationships with other Gay men. "I'm sorry, Gloria. But after the first quarter-century of being alone, that part of my brain just dried-up and died." So, while they're considered hot stuff, in Seattle and Southampton, they no longer have the capacity to connect, on a romantic level. "I read those studies, back in the Eighties - about how if you didn't form primary relationships in youth, you'd become unable to do so, later. But I didn't think it would happen to me."
And they're among the LUCKY ONES: at least they have 'The Pod' (and our kids, who consider them to be part of their communal 'Pack of Parents'). And at least they have money (and powerful friends, to help them defend their assets). They do not face the typical 'all alone and flat-broke' old age that is far too common for Gay men in the South.
I know another Mississippi Gay man, half-a-generation older than our group. He's a well-published author of Architectural books, and the genius behind what's good about the built environment in the South (he pioneered colorways currently emulated throughout the South, and his signage designs and gated community entrances somehow broke through what, at the time, were conceptual barriers). My people consult with him on color: he's the Grand Master Wizard, in that regard - a semi-reclusive oracle, of sorts.
His life in the South has followed the same trajectory as my friends'. "I realized, around age 28, that I was never going to get anything from the "Gay Community", but rejection and ridicule. I just started dumping all my Gay friends. And when the epidemic hit, and everybody started dying like flies, I did not shed one tear - not for Southern Gays, anyway. People in New Orleans (considered Latin American: NOT Southern) and New York, I mourn, a little. One night, I stumbled into the 'Italo Disco' part of YouTube. One song ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xdEyZ3-OjU8) took me back to my Tulane days, when I was in the little inner circle of bodybuilders in the health club part of Menefee's. That made me a little farklempt. All my beautiful friends from there are dead. But that song brought them back to life, for a minute. I wasn't built and beautiful. I guess I was 'The Rich Jewish Girl with the Volvo' - a Tulane cliche. I was accepted, there - by guys so huge, we'd walk over to the Quarter, and they'd pick up models for Colt and Fox - the big guys, the the legends - guys with bodybuilding pro-cards and major titles - right there on the street. I have calendars they autographed for my friends- 'after'.
" I was good enough, in New Orleans, to hang with attorneys, engineers, opthalmic plastic surgeons... Not in Jackson, though. Here, and in Atlanta, I'm an untouchable. And on Fire Island, or dancing at The Saint, in Manhattan, I was good enough to move among the best. But not in the South. In the South, I've always been 'UNTER NULL' - lower than zero.
There's nothing wrong with YOU. Simple fact is, in Atlanta, unless you're rich enough, built enough, and manly enough, nobody is going to go out of his way, to invite you into his circle of friends. My Mississippi Gay friends consider themselves to be "living alone on a mountaintop". In a place like that, you have to become extremely self-sufficient.
Last edited by GrandviewGloria; 08-15-2015 at 01:57 PM..
As a straight, I don't know much about this, but I will say that gays are probably around only 10% of the whole population. Many of us find it hard to make true friends even in the straight population as it is, so finding gay friends would make the numbers game a bit harder.
Someone's sexuality is like not even on my radar of things that make someone a good friend. Why does it matter, op?
If you're gay, it's nice to have gay friends. Straight men usually cannot relate to us when it comes to discussions about romantic matters. Moreover, such topics tend to make them uncomfortable.
As a straight, I don't know much about this, but I will say that gays are probably around only 10% of the whole population. Many of us find it hard to make true friends even in the straight population as it is, so finding gay friends would make the numbers game a bit harder.
It's way less than ten percent. More like two or three, I believe.
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