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So I've been trying to make some gay friends, as I just moved to a new area and literally know no one, and I swear training to become an astronaut would be an easier job. The supply of gay males in the area doesn't seem to be an issue, but most seem to be motivated by their attraction to you or you being open to sex. I'm not looking for anything sexual, and I even make that clear, any relationship I find locally will be platonic now and most likely into the future. It just doesn't seem like anyone else is really on the same page. My feeling is that the reasoning stems from:
-Not being interested in developing friendships. They don't feel gay men make good friends for them, they think they already have enough friends, are DL, etc.
-If you're not sexually attractive to them then the friendship can't move forward.
Does anyone else have any opinions on why I'm having difficulty. Is it like this for most people, or is my situation unusual?
If sex isn't an issue, why are you limiting yourself to gay people?
It's not that I can't be friends with women, I have a handful of female friends, but it takes a special kind of girl combined with special circumstances for me to usually become friends with them. Ordinarily I find them hard to reach out to, and a lot of them we don't share the pov or interests. Straight males, it's a similar situation.
I have gay friends, both male and female. I'm straight. I don't know if what I have going on would qualify as that "special kind of girl combined with special circumstances for me to usually become friends with them". I just like people and am accepting to them as I would hope they are to me.
Also, what "point of view" do they have to have? If they are your friend they are accepting of you and who you are and besides that, they have a right to have interests and opinions which are going to be different than you.
Perhaps just go slow. Join a group or two and get to know folks before you plan on jumping into a deep and potentially lasting friendship.
btw, one of my male gay friends has quite a few gay friends so he has not had an issue like it sounds like you have. Look within and see if there is possibly a blockage of some kind which is preventing this. Try not to jump to conclusions that it is the other person and their thinking, when you really are not a mind reader and have no idea what someone else is thinking.
OP, you are a man who is attracted to other men, yet you are seeking platonic friendships exclusively with men who are identified, by definition, by their attraction to other men. Do you not see the inherent oddity of this situation?
Here's something you could try. Seek out straight men who you do not find physically attractive and cultivate friendships with them. At least, any such relationships won't be marked by the "but what if we move beyond mere friendship?" awkwardness that can also exist within heterosexual male-female friendships. The only problem I would see with this approach is that if you later choose to "out" yourself to your straight male friends, they may become uncomfortable because they may feel you are secretly attracted to them, even if you aren't. I suppose if that happened, you could try saying something like "You're attracted to women, but you're not attracted to EVERY woman, right? Well, it's the same way with me." Then, with a teasing smile, you could add "No offense."
OP, people can’t understand why you’re limiting yourself to gay people (even though you clarified that you aren’t limiting yourself to them) because they can’t take your perspective. I’m not gay but am at least able to understand that gay men and women are treated differently and therefore have a different life experience and perspective. I get it, it’s nice and comfortable to be with those who understand your world and experience it in similar ways.
And bus man’s thought that being a man who is attracted to men blah blah, is off too. Straight men have women friends. Sure, we want to get in their pants but can be friends with them while wanting that.
Since I’m not gay, I don’t have any great advice. Only thing I can think of is that in my straight world, it’s much easier to be friends with a girl who is in a committed relationship. So maybe find a gay couple who is in a committed relationship.
The supply of gay males in the area doesn't seem to be an issue, but most seem to be motivated by their attraction to you or you being open to sex. I'm not looking for anything sexual, and I even make that clear, any relationship I find locally will be platonic now and most likely into the future.
Where are you looking for friends? Maybe that's the issue.
I know guys who've met friends through things like gay sports leagues or "movie bear" groups. But thinking about my friends and their friends, a lot of the friendships came from "let's just be friends"-type failed romantic encounters.
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