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It doesn't have to be a "minefield." The woman finally did get back to you. Crisis averted.
If your son doesn't even know what kind of birthday gift to get the other kid, they aren't THAT close.
The dad is ONE OF the scout leaders. Contact the other leader from now on. "Problem" solved.
It feels like you're still PO'd about the mom's rejection of your daughter, and while the mom's behavior is baffling and sad, it is HER problem. Minimizing contact with this family is NOT shunning them. It's what you do when you figure out that you actually don't have that much in common with the other people.
All that other stuff about small Catholic school and homophobia and shunning is just speculation and the roots of drama. Resist the urge to "go there," and focus on YOUR family.
Why are you being antagonistic? Of course I'm PO'd about the mom's rejection of our daughter. For whatever reason she's had an issue with my daughter since our kids had a crush on each other several years ago, and even more so now that her son has come out and my daughter was trying to be supportive. I am focusing on my family. That's why I'm here for anonymous advice and to vent about a situation I can't discuss with anyone else, other than my husband.
We already have minimal contact with the family. In fact it's less than it was before because we're no longer in a carpool with them. Each leader has different areas they handle, so when possible I contact the other leaders for information. Sometimes contacting this dad is unavoidable.
Life is full of drama. It's all in how we deal with it. This situation IS dramatic for this family; it would be for any family who's child just came out to them, which is why I'm trying to feel more compassion than irritation. What should have been a non-issue for us has become a minefield because the mom is looking for someone to blame and that someone is my daughter. The mom's misdirection and poor handling of what should be a personal family issue has spilled over into our family. I'm trying to minimize any drama that falls on us by behaving like I normally would with them. No more or less contact than normal.
What should have been a non-issue for us has become a minefield because the mom is looking for someone to blame and that someone is my daughter. The mom's misdirection and poor handling of what should be a personal family issue has spilled over into our family. I'm trying to minimize any drama that falls on us by behaving like I normally would with them. No more or less contact than normal.
It's only a minefield because you are passively choosing to just let things stay the status quo, instead of advocating for your kids by removing yourself from their circle entirely.
The fact that the homophobic assclown is one of the boy scout leaders would be enough cause for me to pull my kid and go to another troop. I would not have my kids being led by such close-mindedness.
I am Catholic, but I have a brain and a heart, and I know how to treat people, gay or not.
I don't know the full dynamics of what goes on in their house, but I get the impression the dad has a lot more empathy for the son and is much more tolerant than the mother. After all, it was the dad who took the son to a family member's gay wedding. Plus the dad has treated all of us like normal, including our daughter. We're trying to take our lead from him. He sold popcorn with my husband and the boys this past weekend and nothing was mentioned about the situation. He's part of the reason we're NOT pulling our son from the troop. That being said, he also has to find a way to navigate his own minefield with a wife who is less tolerant, and keep his family together. I can't pretend to know how hard all of this must be for each of them individually and also as a family.
But along those lines, why should we pull our son out of anything just because this family is in crises? It's not our crises. We're trying to avoid involvement in it. If I pulled my kids or our family out of every activity or organization where there are intolerant people, we wouldn't be involved in anything. And isn't that exactly what this family is doing? They pulled their son out of his confirmation class and put him in a different one just so he wouldn't have any contact with our daughter. There is intolerance on all sides of every possible life scenario. Not everyone is going to agree on how to handle such a controversial issue.
But along those lines, why should we pull our son out of anything just because this family is in crises? It's not our crises. We're trying to avoid involvement in it.
If it was as your example, where they were merely intolerant but it didn't affect you, I agree.
But didn't you say the vindictive mother has been hateful towards your daughter?
Do you not see that by allowing her any access to your family at all, that your daughter sees that as your acquiescence to the treatment of her?
It's only a minefield because you are passively choosing to just let things stay the status quo, instead of advocating for your kids by removing yourself from their circle entirely.
I have advocated to and for my daughter. There isn't anything I can do to forcibly change the minds of this family and I certainly can't compell them to allow our kids to resume contact. And pulling my son out of shared activities AND being vocal about why I was doing so would only cement their position that they did the right thing. The best I can do is remain quiet about their personal family crises and stay out of the middle of it. Basically we're turning the other cheek. I'm hoping that our respect of their family unit will bring them around to a more compassionate solution for their son. Maybe it will, maybe it won't, but making a stink about it to them when it's none of our business will only make things worse. I've counseled my daughter to respect their wishes. We don't agree with how they're handling their son, but again, Its not our place or business and he's not our son. Her friend is a minor and subject to his parents' rules until he's at least 18. When the son is no longer under their control he can have friendships with anyone he chooses.
If it was as your example, where they were merely intolerant but it didn't affect you, I agree.
But didn't you say the vindictive mother has been hateful towards your daughter?
Do you not see that by allowing her any access to your family at all, that your daughter sees that as your acquiescence to the treatment of her?
The mother hasn't had contact with or access to my daughter. They've never had a conversation at all. The only reason my daughter even knows about this is because the boy contacted her while his parents were out of the house. He wanted to give her a heads up that his mom read all of his text messages and told him he was no longer to have contact with her and another mutually supportive friend. That was all he said. He didn't want to disappear from my daughter's life with no explanation. Technically, if the son had followed his parents' wishes, my daughter wouldnt even know that much, which is why we're feigning ignorance. As far as the parents know, we don't know their son is gay.
I have advocated to and for my daughter. There isn't anything I can do to forcibly change the minds of this family and I certainly can't compell them to allow our kids to resume contact. And pulling my son out of shared activities AND being vocal about why I was doing so would only cement their position that they did the right thing. The best I can do is remain quiet about their personal family crises and stay out of the middle of it. Basically we're turning the other cheek. I'm hoping that our respect of their family unit will bring them around to a more compassionate solution for their son. Maybe it will, maybe it won't, but making a stink about it to them when it's none of our business will only make things worse. I've counseled my daughter to respect their wishes. We don't agree with how they're handling their son, but again, Its not our place or business and he's not our son. Her friend is a minor and subject to his parents' rules until he's at least 18. When the son is no longer under their control he can have friendships with anyone he chooses.
For what it's worth, I think you're handling this situation very well. The only thing I'll add is that in all interactions with this family, act like nothing has happened. Right now the mother is probably ashamed more than anything because she thinks being gay is a sin and that people are judging her as a parent. I bet their household is pretty grim right now. You can add a breath of fresh air in your interactions if you make an effort to not appear weird or nervous. Act normally around her and her kids to let them know that it IS normal to be gay.
While you're right about her son being subject to their rules til he's 18, I expect things will change in one way or another before then. Kids who want contact with other kids will find a way, so don't be surprised if your daughter and this boy figure out a way to communicate. All he has to do is borrow a friend's phone while at school. I wouldn't discourage it either. I know your daughter is heartbroken, but I doubt if she'll have to go 4 years without seeing her friend.
Also, the mom might come around. Her husband will have the biggest influence on her and other people she confides in may help her process what's going on as well.
I don't see why you're getting jumped on here. What I got from your post is you're just trying to handle this situation as normal as possible. I'm not sure you really needed a gift idea, as much as you wanted the mom to see you plan on treating her as you always have even though she banned your daughter. Many people couldn't do that, and I applaud you.
My heart breaks for her son and I wish he still had your wonderful daughters support. Maybe when things calm down, she'll be allowed back into his life.
Thank you for understanding. I have contacted her and other moms in the past for gift ideas, so it's not out of the ordinary for me. But in examining my own motivations, I suppose you're right that I did want this mom to see that we're behaving normally and not being judgemental, even though she's falsely judging our daughter.
I'm just being direct. I'm pointing out the flaws in your argument that you are unable to see because of your closeness to the situation, such as:
Quote:
Originally Posted by PsychadelicPseudonym
But in examining my own motivations, I suppose you're right that I did want this mom to see that we're behaving normally and not being judgemental, even though she's falsely judging our daughter.
You're sort of turning the other cheek, but you not-so-secretly want that mom to KNOW you're being the better man here, which really makes it a moot point.
That's all.
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