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At the moment, my line (about this challenge) is:
"finding mutually enjoyable new person (friend, etc.) is like searching for needle in haystack-and I'm allergic to hay."
In this^ metaphor, crowds and groups are the haystack, and the one or two people with whom I might "click" are the needles.
Would like to have couple more people in my life, but as an introvert (w/additional limitations) it's anathema to my very nature
to go hang out in a crowd (let alone, comfortably blend & also network, meet & greet utter strangers).
Want the new friends, yet the amount of (mutual) screening necessary to find the few possible connections is daunting & overwhelming.
NB: I'm *not* asking for help/advice, I have professionals for that-am just echoing the sentiments expressed by others in thread.
Totally the same. I was stunned that after DH died I had friends. That utterly perplexed me.
Now I go even when I don't feel like it because people matter, and friends matter. Not good at being spontaneous though.
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I've learned that you have to put effort into finding new friends. Part of that is putting yourself out there. I love that you're going to events, but are you communicating to people that you're looking for a few couples to hang out with on the weekends? Once you connect a bit with someone at a meetup or function, try saying "We should be friends. Are you on FB?" Connect with them online and check out what they do. Find opportunities to get together and get to know each other better. If you don't feel comfortable going all-in by trying to set up a weekend outing, start small. Get together for coffee or join an event that they're going to and suggest carpooling or grabbing a drink before/after.
What I've learned is that my closest friends are the ones I put effort into making the friendship work and grow. It's cool if we don't see each other for weeks, but I make an effort to text them at least once every few days to check in. If their spouse is out of town, I invite them out or stop over with booze or cupcakes. Making friends has never come naturally to me, but I have found that if you find someone you like and truly show an interest in them, they'll usually like you back.
Ugh, an event 30 miles away! What a pain. Based on that alone, I wouldn't want to go. You can't have a drink, if you have to drive home 30 miles. Not like you can just grab a cab.
It's quite alright for you to make a list of the kinds of social activities you like and don't like. It's your life. And anyone who judges you for your list - heck make another list of people you won't listen to and put their name on it :-)
I really like people. In small doses. On my own terms.
Ugh, an event 30 miles away! What a pain. Based on that alone, I wouldn't want to go. You can't have a drink, if you have to drive home 30 miles. Not like you can just grab a cab.
It's quite alright for you to make a list of the kinds of social activities you like and don't like. It's your life. And anyone who judges you for your list - heck make another list of people you won't listen to and put their name on it :-)
I really like people. In small doses. On my own terms.
That's what forums are for.
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Moderator: Relationships Forum / Hawaii Forum / Dogs / Pets / Current Events
Location: Sodo Sopa at The Villas above Kenny' s House.
2,492 posts, read 3,032,221 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikala43
That's what forums are for.
Everyone of these post echo my exact sentiments. Honestly I feel better already knowing its not just me. My exact thoughts after reading the first page was that the described attitude is probably what draws me to here regularly. I like the discourse in small controllable doses. I'm also one of those over 40 people who prefer texting over live conversation as well. Do you guys share that trait as well?
.
Thanks all. I have decided I really do need to work on my social skills. I did go to the volunteer party. It was dark when I arrived and I placed my potluck item with the others and said a few hellos. Then chatted with the couple ahead of me in line for the buffet. Later I sat with the same couple and chatted happily with the others at the table. I knew everyone from our work. Then, after, I sought out another volunteer and sat with him and visited a while -- we had recently worked on a team and I wanted to exchange a few follow up ideas -- and that was lovely. After that I slipped out. 90 minutes total there and nice time.
On the way home I realized at 2nd table sat others I knew and I never even attempted to connect or say hello to them; just cornered the one person to discuss a specific issue. Also the next day on the voluteer bulletin board were several "good to see everyone" remarks by people I know well and I never circulated the room so never saw them.
At this late stage in life I am having to look more closely at my own behaviors...... Feel like I should have used the event to work on my skills better.
I think you should be giving yourself pats on the back and treats all day long for actually going -- NOT criticizing yourself for not talking to everyone you could have! I agree with the person who was most put off by the 30-mile drive to get there. That would be a deal breaker for me, for sure, unless (maybe) it was to see a really good friend, or in the daytime, or somehow it was coordinated so I could stay overnight with someone I really liked in the immediate area. But I'd be thinking about the drive home the entire time I was mingling. No thanks.
In response to your first post, I don't think you're weird at all, and it made me laugh with recognition and sympathy. It's a growing edge for me, too, and definitely worth working on.
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