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I have to ask - have you spent much time in a nursing home?
My mother in law just passed away a few weeks ago. She lived in a memory care center when it became too difficult for us or any other family members to take care of her (she had Parkinson's and advanced Alzheimer's). We visited her just about every other day, but there were many residents there who had very little family and very few visitors - some I NEVER saw with a visitor. Many of them would sit for hours just staring out the window. And due to the nature of their illnesses (all had some form of pretty advanced dementia), social interaction was very difficult for many of them. For instance, my mother in law would respond to us, but that's because she was able to recognize loved ones till the very end (something that's not typical). Every resident responded to tenderness and kindness - but people generally stop visiting as regularly when their loved one doesn't know who they are. In that sense, we were blessed - but many families and elderly residents were not.
It must be very sad to be sitting in a nursing home that's all decked out for the holidays, with vague and scattered memories of Christmases filled with cooking, children laughing, friends and family popping in for a visit by the fire with a cup of eggnog, shopping for and wrapping gifts, etc.
Your post points out - possibly inadvertently - that it's very possible to be surrounded by people and yet be alone.
I am only child.......whose parents have passed on.......I was also a "change of life" baby.
So I have spent Christmas alone.....but, would also work in the group homes......or, go to a friends house.
Then I married.
The last year of our marriage was the only year I was lonely at Christmas time.
I knew it was our last Christmas...........and he was at a friend's house.........drinking and smoking pot.
Then just after the first of the year I met the man I am married to now........things always work out........they might not work out like you want or, think they will.
In my mind, if you have no family, it's at least better to have others around. Maybe I'm wrong.
Well, I'm not trying to be critical of what you said, but I did feel like the idea of people in nursing homes "having each other" needed to be fleshed out. It's very possible to be quite alone surrounded by other people.
And for some people, in or out of nursing homes, being around other people who aren't the loved ones of times past really just doesn't cut the mustard (whatever that means). And for other people, it doesn't bother them as much. Some people truly are good to go with being alone, while others miss loved ones so much that no one else can fill that void. Different personalities and all that.
It's very hard to lose a loved one - either REALLY lose them or just to be apart from them during special times. It's an adjustment, and some people can not make that adjustment while others can. The holidays are poignant times even if one isn't truly alone, because they are emotionally charged with all sorts of memories. They change. They always change. People grow up, die, leave us, come into our lives, are born, etc. We get older, lose that feeling of "magic" (if we were lucky enough to ever have it), our roles change.
I was the happy kid snuggled down in that feather bed with my cousins, too excited to sleep on Christmas Eve for many years. I was also the military brat whose dad was being shot at on Christmas Day in Vietnam several years. Then the estranged young woman who had made choices that set her at odds with family. Then the busy mom with little kids, making Christmas cookies and stuffing stockings at 1 am the night before Christmas. Then the divorced mom with shared custody whose kids were not home at Christmas every other year. Then the military mom whose with kids deployed at Christmas, or living on the other side of the world. Then the daughter in law who learned her husband's family recipes for holiday meals because if she didn't, the recipes would be lost because no one else was taking the time to learn them or pass them on. Then the daughter in law who was visiting those same in laws, while their son was working off the coast of Africa, or in South America somewhere. Then the daughter in law fixing a plate up and taking it to those same inlaws in a nursing home on Christmas Day.
Now Christmas Eve isn't at my house, like it was for years...but wait...that wasn't every year because some years the kids were with their dad...but it SEEMS like every year because those were the best years. And now that I think about it - I only spent two or three Christmas Eves as a child with my cousins - but those memories stand out because those times were so special. And on those years, we didn't have the tradition of reading the Nativity story from St Luke...and then several other years my dad was gone...and then I'm pretty sure that as a teen I skipped out on that little family tradition...so in reality, we probably only shared those times together as a family when I was a kid, probably four or five times, but in my mind it seems like it was part of every single Christmas...
Memories are tricky business. And "alone" has different connotations to different people.
I am alone and will be alone for Christmas. Husband died 7 years ago; no kids; and closest relative is on the West coast. No problem here - fix my dinner, play with the pets, work in the yard or house, read a book, and watch TV. Nothing is open here (although I could go to WaWa for coffee if I didn't want home-brewed, I guess). Basically it's no different from any other day, except for the lack of shopping opportunities. I'm used to it. Besides, I can always come to C-D and find someone to interact with!
It seems to me that the point of this thread was for the OP to find others who are wallowing in loneliness as much as he is. And anyone who suggests that wallowing is not the only option is deemed not "alone enough" to qualify for the discussion.
I am only child.......whose parents have passed on.......I was also a "change of life" baby.
So I have spent Christmas alone.....but, would also work in the group homes......or, go to a friends house.
Then I married.
The last year of our marriage was the only year I was lonely at Christmas time.
I knew it was our last Christmas...........and he was at a friend's house.........drinking and smoking pot.
Then just after the first of the year I met the man I am married to now........things always work out........they might not work out like you want or, think they will.
But, they do change.
I love this.
When I didn't have my kids for holidays after my divorce (every other year was usually how it went), I remember pining for them - the first year. I mean, sure I missed them, but after that first miserable year, I decided I wasn't going to feel that way again if I could help it. So we just had Christmas on another day - I mean the whole enchilada. And I busied myself with other people in my life on the actual day of Christmas. I have not ever spent an actual Christmas alone - but I think I could do it and be OK with it now. At 53 I'm getting used to the idea that people aren't always with us, but that we do always have ourselves! LOL
And I agree - things do change. Things can never stay the same - and in fact, they probably weren't as we remember them to begin with!
I remember that Christmas was hard to adjust to after I got divorced - and then, before I knew it - my beautiful kids were grown and those opportunities were gone. And THEN - grandkids started coming! But as great as that is, with a military family that meant that often one group of grandkids was in Guam and the other was in England or some such nonsense. And brothers were scattered and parents had gotten a wild hair and moved out of state, and my husband was working out of the country...my gosh, one Christmas I drove for several hours to spend Christmas with HIS side of the family because mine was so scattered. And I'm pretty sure that if I hadn't been there, they wouldn't have much noticed, being so busy with their own activities and since this was the first year that I was even a part of their family. But it was my choice not to be alone. They weren't the people I most wanted to spend my holiday with - but life happens and sometimes things just don't come together like we wish they would.
My poor inlaws - they spent their last Christmas in a rehab center (though rehab was unsuccessful for both of them). I'm sure neither of them wanted that. Were they alone? Not technically. But they were both very sick. They were both nearly bedridden. They were not in their beloved home surrounded by the people they loved. No sparkling tree filled with their cherished ornaments. No delicious smells wafting from the kitchen. No holiday table. No kids tearing into presents and squealing. No stocking hung by the chimney with care.
And now they're both dead and my husband has to deal with, not only working out of state far from his family, but also with his first Christmas since his parents died.
Things change. And holidays are rarely idyllic. So it's up to us to make the memories that can sustain us during the lean times. And to find peace within ourselves.
Also: why, is it the first or your norm, and how do you plan to spend the holiday?
I have spent Christmas alone since 2000. Sometimes it gets depressing, but then I just do a little reminiscing about my family that has passed, and I get it out of my system.
If I can't find a restaurant open where I am living at the time, I cook my own "feast" and watch an old movie.
What I've found over time is that I am much less stressed than everyone else I run into.
It seems to me that the point of this thread was for the OP to find others who are wallowing in loneliness as much as he is. And anyone who suggests that wallowing is not the only option is deemed not "alone enough" to qualify for the discussion.
So, if you didn't like the OP's premise, just why did you find it necessary to respond?
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