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My husband and I have been married for 3.5 years and during that time, my relationship has seemed to implode with his parents.
Before we even got engaged, my husband and I discussed children and jointly decided that we did not want to be parents. We decided that I would get my tubes tied and that would be that. The surgery happened a couple of months into our marriage and his parents found out when they came over to our house unannounced while I was recovering and my husband let it slip that I had surgery. That was strike 1 for me. His mother was infuriated that I was not giving her son children or her and her husband grandchildren. She cried and got upset and wanted to know why we didn't talk to them about it before we went and had the surgery. I tried to be understanding and let it go.
Thanksgiving rolled around that year and we were invited to their house to come and babysit their friends grandkids. She said we might enjoy it and change our mind. Instead, we decided (as a couple), to not attend Thanksgiving because we saw what the tone would be. Strike 2 for me. My mother-in-law called me at work crying and saying that I was ruining everything and I didn't know what I was missing being a mother. I stood my ground and let it go. I know that that kind of decision is hard for people to understand so I figured if she got her space, she would come around.
Things improved a bit and the subject wasn't addressed again. A year later, I was offered a job in New England. It was a dream position for a great company and my husband was 100% behind me. When we announced that we were leaving Texas for New England, my mother-in-law freaked out. Apparently, this was strike 3 and war was waged. She cornered me in a room while my husband was away and blamed me for their family falling apart (his sister doesn't talk to her parents at all...that's my fault, I guess). She said I caused problems for everyone and that they'd all be better off without me. When I asked her what I had done specifically, she couldn't answer. She would just say that I am a bad person who doesn't care about family because all of my family is dead (my parents died when I was in my 20s, but I DO know what family is and I value it). It was horrible. I don't usually react to things, but all I could do was cower on the floor in the corner crying...I don't cry but something about her tone and posture really freaked me out. My husband came in at the tail end and got between us and told her to stop. His mom told him that he was better off without me and that ruined everything they ever wanted for him - married to a "good God-fearing Christian girl from Texas" who would "give him lots of children to coach in little league or take to dance class." I felt like a failure. Even though my husband stood up for me and for our relationship and decision, I can't get past the feeling that I'm lacking. I thought that the time and distance would make things better, but it didn't.
We recently moved from NE to AZ for work (promotion ). His parents came up north to "help us" and try to patch things up. They didn't help much and what they did do, they charged us for which I found weird. We paid it bc we didn't want confrontation again, but it was still weird. Then, after losing a ton of cash on our home up north, we finally moved into a rental in AZ. The week we moved in was Thanksgiving week and SURPRISE! they called to say they were coming and would stay with us. We had boxes everywhere and furniture not even put together. They said that that is what family does - stays together at the holidays. My husband explained our situation. We were both working 6-7 days a week, our house was Box City and we were working through some financial stress. His mom got angry and yelled that it was all because of me and that I was still tearing the family apart. They came to AZ for Thanksgiving anyway and stayed in a hotel and visited with family who live here and some who came in for the holiday. We didn't go to their Thanksgiving gathering because of his parents so of course, more anger came out. They used their Thanksgiving vacation to tell the family about me and how I have caused so much havoc in the family and all I do is wedge myself between them and their son. One of my husband's cousins even called and texted both of us (my mother in law gave her our numbers) telling us how we were breaking his mother's heart and all she was doing was crying because of what we had done to them. The cousin then went on the openly invite my husband to come visit with them. My husband said "no." and left it at that. Now, the family here, whom we had been close with before, doesn't really want to talk with us. They've distanced themselves and we really care about them.
I don't believe in airing dirty laundry but I also don't want people thinking I am horrible human being or that my husband can't make decisions for himself. I just don't know what to do. My husband is upset that his parents are acting this way, but he doesn't know what to do with them (Honestly, I don't think you can do anything for ppl like that). I just want to know how to repair our relationship with his family who lives here. We sent them cupcakes for Christmas and my husband called a few times to just say "hi" and see how they were doing, but it just went to voicemail. I feel horrible. Maybe I have caused all this.
Make your own family by surrounding yourself with people who think and act like normal people and don't try to insinuate themselves in other's lives. The cousin has only shown that he's a chip off the old block by texting you. You are lucky to be rid of that crazy family.
I'm sad for your husband, but in a way I'm proud that he stood up to his b*tch of a mother.
Last edited by Miss Blue; 01-05-2016 at 01:11 PM..
Your husband is a coward and you MIL a witch. He should have told his mother that she was way out of line and to ****. Unless he stands up to her, she'll make your life miserable. Also, stand up for yourself. Don't let that old cow intimidate you.
Make your own family by surrounding yourself with people who think and act like normal people and don't try to insinuate themselves in other's lives. The cousin has only shown that he's a chip off the old block by texting you. You are lucky to be rid of that crazy family.
I'm sad for your husband, but in a way I'm proud that he stood up to his b*tch of a mother.
Thanks...yeah, the cousin who called and texted, she lives in California and was visiting. We aren't too keen on her because she turns everything into a political argument (she considers my tubal ligation murder...ugh). So staying out of touch with her is easy.
But his cousins who live here are a lot like us. I'm just afraid that our absence at Thanksgiving caused them a lot of grief and that they are avoiding us as a result. My husband wants to explain things to them and while I think they need to know theres more to the story, I just don't want to air out everything. I don't think it's necessary or appropriate. The whole situation sucks. I get that our decisions don't jive with what my mother-in-law wanted for her son, but everyone makes different decisions. That doesn't mean you demean them or berate them until you hope they leave. SO bizarre.
Last edited by Miss Blue; 01-05-2016 at 01:12 PM..
No, you didn't cause this, although you may been more influential in some of the early decisions to skip gatherings than you indicate. It just sounds like you and your spouse have made decisions that greatly disturb your MIL, who cannot let it go.
I think you and you DH need to decide what relationship you want from his family, and try to jointly work toward this. If there is ever a situation where you and your DH can help family members out during illness or some other situation, then do take that opportunity. Perhaps you and he can brainstorm about how to bridge the divide with them.
You might never be the DIL that your MIL would prefer, but if your DH wants a relationship with his parents, then you will have to work hard to achieve a civil tolerance for each other. But you and your DH need to insist that there will be no more talk about having babies or accusations about you. You both need to be united on that. Leave the room or go home if she starts that stuff.
It may be that your MIL will irrevocably damage her relationship with her son, your husband. Just make sure you are not pushing them apart.
Your husband is a coward and you MIL a witch. He should have told his mother that she was way out of line and to ****. Unless he stands up to her, she'll make your life miserable. Also, stand up for yourself. Don't let that old cow intimidate you.
You know, I usually have no trouble standing up for myself. I don't know what's happened to me when it comes to that woman. I think when she had me cornered and was telling me that I didn't have a clue what family was because mine was dead, it just overwhelmed me and unfortunately, gave her the upper hand she wanted. That's my Achilles heel and she knew it.
As for my husband, yes he has been passive with both his parents for awhile. He goes back and forth on the issue. Somedays, he thinks they are horrible people because he realizes what they've done to us and to his sister. Then other days, he puts on the rose colored glasses and says "you're both over reacting...they're fine. You just don't like them." I don't know if he will ever really see them for what they are, but he does say that the image of me cowering (when he knows I can be pretty strong) made an imprint on my mind.
But his cousins who live here are a lot like us. I'm just afraid that our absence at Thanksgiving caused them a lot of grief and that they are avoiding us as a result. My husband wants to explain things to them and while I think they need to know theres more to the story, I just don't want to air out everything. I don't think it's necessary or appropriate. The whole situation sucks. I get that our decisions don't jive with what my mother-in-law wanted for her son, but everyone makes different decisions. That doesn't mean you demean them or berate them until you hope they leave. SO bizarre.
Likely they are only avoiding you while the name-calling jerks are in town. It will probably blow over, but don't expect to get tagged in any FB posts since they won't want to hear from the assclown side of the family.
I agree with you that I wouldn't air out anything. If they have any dang sense, they will know that those people are just blowhards that live on creating drama.
I'd wait a couple weeks & invite them over for dinner or something and see what happens. If the conversation is easy-going casual, just make a short apology for his mother's behavior along the lines of, "I'm sorry you got pulled into that. It was a private argument between us & his mother years ago, and it shouldn't have involved you." If they bite, explain the situation, and then leave it at that. Don't keep on.
This is not between you and his mother its between HIM and his mother. Next time she tries to speak to you about anything that pertains to family, you tell her to speak to her son, and leave it at that. At this point, just stay out of it.
No, you didn't cause this, although you may been more influential in some of the early decisions to skip gatherings than you indicate. It just sounds like you and your spouse have made decisions that greatly disturb your MIL, who cannot let it go.
I think you and you DH need to decide what relationship you want from his family, and try to jointly work toward this. If there is ever a situation where you and your DH can help family members out during illness or some other situation, then do take that opportunity. Perhaps you and he can brainstorm about how to bridge the divide with them.
You might never be the DIL that your MIL would prefer, but if your DH wants a relationship with his parents, then you will have to work hard to achieve a civil tolerance for each other. But you and your DH need to insist that there will be no more talk about having babies or accusations about you. You both need to be united on that. Leave the room or go home if she starts that stuff.
It may be that your MIL will irrevocably damage her relationship with her son, your husband. Just make sure you are not pushing them apart.
Excellent advice! I know I have to check myself here and there because I get so infuriated when I get a voicemail from his parents or when they call him and make the whole conversation about why I don't like them. I have to keep checking myself so that I don't influence that decision.
As for influencing some early decisions about skipping the dreaded first Thanksgiving, you're probably right. When we first started dating, I really pushed him to be present for his family's gatherings because I thought it would be important. After the initial strike and her approach to Thanksgiving, I didn't push anymore. If he said he didn't want to go, I wouldn't chime in with "yes! We need to go!" I would just stay quiet or say "ok." Looking back, that wasn't helpful and I own it. I knew what I was doing.
As for relationship with his parents, we've talked candidly and openly about it since this recent episode and we agreed that if they came back to AZ, we would see them at a restaurant but not at our home and of course, they would need to stay at a hotel and not with us. And if we return to Texas for a visit, we will do the same - stay at a hotel and meet them for lunch or dinner somewhere.
My husband did talk to his 90 year old uncle the other night. He's my father-in-law's eldest brother and a really great man. My husband has taken him to doctor's appts and gone over to visit him on his day off from work here and there. His uncle has a good head on his shoulders so I'm guessing he doesn't believe whatever has been said by my in-laws. I know we will continue to see him and help out where we can.
Wow, that is a crazy MIL. I really feel for you, OP. I don't think you can do anything to change the situation. Just be kind to the uncle and try to enjoy married life.
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). His parents came up north to "help us" and try to patch things up. They didn't help much and what they did do, they charged us for which I found weird. We paid it bc we didn't want confrontation again, but it was still weird. Then, after losing a ton of cash on our home up north, we finally moved into a rental in AZ. The week we moved in was Thanksgiving week and SURPRISE! they called to say they were coming and would stay with us. We had boxes everywhere and furniture not even put together. They said that that is what family does - stays together at the holidays. My husband explained our situation. We were both working 6-7 days a week, our house was Box City and we were working through some financial stress. His mom got angry and yelled that it was all because of me and that I was still tearing the family apart. They came to AZ for Thanksgiving anyway and stayed in a hotel and visited with family who live here and some who came in for the holiday. We didn't go to their Thanksgiving gathering because of his parents so of course, more anger came out. They used their Thanksgiving vacation to tell the family about me and how I have caused so much havoc in the family and all I do is wedge myself between them and their son. One of my husband's cousins even called and texted both of us (my mother in law gave her our numbers) telling us how we were breaking his mother's heart and all she was doing was crying because of what we had done to them. The cousin then went on the openly invite my husband to come visit with them. My husband said "no." and left it at that. Now, the family here, whom we had been close with before, doesn't really want to talk with us. They've distanced themselves and we really care about them. 
