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My grandfather had dementia and was not competent behind the wheel. He refused to give up his keys. Finally my grandmother refused to ride with him. One day she was driving her own car behind his, since she wouldn't ride with him. She watched him pull right out in front of a pickup truck. She watched the pickup truck hit the passenger side where she would have been sitting, and destroy that whole side of the vehicle. Then she got to watch the 22 year old driver of the pickup truck die on the side of the road while they waited for emergency personnel.
It's a terrible dilemma when your loved one begins to lose their capabilities.
That is awful for the pickup driver! Why didn't your grandmother or grandfather's doctor inform <whatever the authority that deals with issuing driving licences in your country is called>? Then he would have had his driving licence taken off him and your grandmother could have sold his car.
Just my personal opinion, but I think you sound WAY too involved with this person's personal life. Maybe she flakes on you because she knows she is only going to geome kind of a lecture about flaking in the first place. I wouldn't want to be around anyone like that either.
If she is truly your friend, just go hang out with her and keep your mouth shut.
Well a real friend if they start to see a change in behavior speaks up.
I have a long time friend who about a year ago created a scene at a movie theater(great place to do that these days). He got angry over something and got loud at the candy counter, took the candy he just bought and tossed it in the trash, than said he couldn't stay for the movie and ripped up his ticket. To say I was dumbfounded was an understatement.
He left(there was no talking to him) but later on I said his behavior and the way he talked to the candy counter girl was uncalled for. I apologized on his behalf to her. I was mortified. He had already stormed off after shouting an obscenity in the lobby.
This was not his normal demeanor, he is very easy going and polite. It all happened so quickly and out of the blue it was surreal.
How could you not say anything about that? I even told him you need to address this, because I'm not putting up with a display like that again.
Well it turns out it was related to some meds he was on, they were adjusted by the doctor. No problem since that time.
And how is the OP supposed to "just go hang out" with her, the friend keeps being a no show or cancels last minute?
Hmmm, tricky. If I bring it up over the phone, she will want to discuss it right then - or she may cancel our plans because she knows a "talk" is coming. Like I said earlier, the first time I've said ANYTHING about her bailing on me was the other day, when I suggested that maybe she use a calendar app that will give her notifications on her phone, and she immediately became very defensive (not like her), and froze up and changed the subject - she immediately said, "Nope, that won't work for me - I need a daytimer," and she said it with absolutely no humor and then immediately said, "Well, I've got more stuff to do around here, so I'll let you go!" and got off the phone.
She does not want to talk about this.
I would take it as more of a personal rejection if I was the one making the plans, but usually I'm not. Usually she's the one calling me saying, "Can we get together for lunch this week?" or "I found a really cool craft idea on Pinterest - you want to get together and make a (fill in the blank)?" and then she either cancels or is super, super late. I don't get it.
I am afraid that if I tell her, "Oh good, let's get together - and there's something I'd like to talk with you about when we do," she will FOR SURE bail on me, or say, "Oh tell me now!" and I don't want to discuss this with her on the phone.
I understand. You are still at a point where you want to understand what is going on instead of putting up boundaries.
When I am at the point of putting up boundaries, it is usually done over the phone.
I take meds for depression, heart, cholesterol& pain. Yes, sometimes I go into Lala land & there is nothing I can do about it. That could be happening to your friend.
I would make your intro more about her then about you. It may help to minimize defensiveness.
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That is awful for the pickup driver! Why didn't your grandmother or grandfather's doctor inform <whatever the authority that deals with issuing driving licences in your country is called>? Then he would have had his driving licence taken off him and your grandmother could have sold his car.
I don't know. I didn't know about all this till after the fact.
I would make your intro more about her then about you. It may help to minimize defensiveness.
Can you give me an example, please? Are you saying, address the symptoms I'm seeing? I feel like that would be unloading on her and possibly embarrassing, but I could be wrong. I was thinking that if I let her know how her actions (without belaboring that point or getting too detailed) are making me feel, it would validate why I think the conversation is necessary - either some clarification and problem solving, or some boundaries. She's either acting in ways beyond her control, or she can control her actions - I need to know which it is. #1 I'm worried but supportive, and not mad. #2 I'm justified in being irritated and establishing some personal boundaries.
But I'm being serious, not argumentative. Could you please give me an example of what you think a better approach would be?
I take meds for depression, heart, cholesterol& pain. Yes, sometimes I go into Lala land & there is nothing I can do about it. That could be happening to your friend.
Thanks for sharing this perspective. If this is the case with my friend, I feel like she should tell me, so I can adjust my expectations and also be supportive of her rather than wondering if she's just flaking out on me because it's not important enough to her to respect my time and our friendship.
More like: "I'm concerned that you lose track of dates, and forget things you have planned. Is everything ok? I've definitely noticed a difference in you, and I admit that I am a little concerned. How have you been feeling?"
You know her so think of what answers she may give to deflect, and what you will say.
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Offset with positives, whatever they are. "You have always been considerate of those of us who have more time restraints. You have always been the free spirit in the relationship but I feel like you are REALLY drifting off.... I know what a loving person you are, but when you do "X" it really makes me feel disrespected, and that's not like you."
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