Should I be worried or mad about my friend? (husband, person, member)
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I have a very good girl friend who I've been friends with for years. She and I have a very warm relationship, in spite of some differences. She is about 8 years older than me (she's in her early sixties - that's important). She is a tiny, petite, Italian woman (first generation born in the US, parents came through Ellis Island) from the northeast and is pretty liberal. I am a tall, robust "southern belle" who's politically independent and whose family has been in what is now the US since the 1630s. She has no kids - I have four, and eight grandkids. Her parents are both deceased, mine are still alive. We are like Mutt and Jeff.
Anyway, she's always been scatterbrained and more "emotionally fragile" than me - she struggles with lots of insecurities that I just simply don't have. She's more needy than me and more afraid of being alone than I am (frankly with my large family, "alone time" is a gift!). She seems to have more issues with people than I do, and her marriage is not as calm as mine, though she and her husband have been together for a long time. She seems to need more babying and more emotional support than I do, but when I do need her ear, it's there - she's a person with a generous, loving heart and I admire that about her. I guess I would say that I'm more objective and logical and just, well, uncomplicated, and she's more subjective, emotional, and has more insecurities.
Well, OK there you have all that. Now the realities of how this works:
Lately, for the past year or so, she's gotten very flaky about our get togethers. We have, for years, gotten together in person about once a week - usually lunch, some shopping, maybe a movie, doing crafts together, or some sort of project, of just sitting around drinking coffee and talking. We usually talk about once or twice a week for oh, maybe 15 minutes on the phone, often just clarifying our plans to hang out. But over the past year, she's begun doing things like claiming to have forgotten our lunch date. Often I will try to call her to remind her, and she will have either forgotten or she says, "Oh my gosh, I am running late - can you come by the house rather than meeting me at the restaurant?" Then I'll get there and I will have to wait for her to get dressed - 20, 30 minutes. Grrrrr.
She's also cancelled on me several times - on things that SHE has originally planned - with excuses like, "I'm just tired today," or "I just couldn't sleep last night and I can't seem to get going today." By the way - she sort of regularly takes sleeping pills or pills for anxiety and I just really can't relate to all that, since I never take any sort of drugs for mood or sleep - or anything else for that matter. Frankly, it irritates me when she does that.
Or - we will agree to meet somewhere - like a movie theater - and she will be VERY late. She nearly always calls and says something like, "Oh my gosh the traffic is terrible - I just left the grocery store - I had to run in and pick up something - and now I'm on Broadway," and about that time I will hear STORE NOISES AND THE CHECKOUT LINE and realize that she is still in the freaking grocery store and why on earth did she think she had to stop there when she was already going to be 20 or 30 minutes late????
Recently, she wanted to come to my house to see my newest grandchild - and my daughter was bringing him over this past Saturday. I messaged my friend a few days earlier(she responded affirmatively) on FB, with the day and time she could come over - about 2 pm Saturday. So on Friday she called me about 1 pm and said, "So what are y'all doing?" I said, "Oh, running errands - then we're going to go home and get dressed and go out for dinner." She said, "Oh...I guess I'm not going to be able to come over and see the baby then." I said, "That's tomorrow - today is Friday!" "Oh, silly me!" she said, "So they're coming over tomorrow?" I said, "Yes, and why don't you and your husband come by around 2 and have some dessert and coffee and visit for awhile?" She said, "Call me tomorrow!" and I said, "No - I might get all caught up in the visit with the grandkids - there's no need for me to call you. Just come by tomorrow about 2." "Ok, I'm excited!" she said.
You guessed it - she never came and never called. THEN TODAY (Sunday) she called and said, "Girl, I'm so tired from putting up Christmas decorations yesterday - I don't think I can come by to see the baby today." I said, "That's fine - they're not coming today - that was YESTERDAY." She then said, "Oh I really need to find my daytimer - I can't remember anything without it." I said, "You know, you ought to use the calendar on your phone - I know you carry your phone with you everywhere - you could put things in your phone and schedule a reminder," and she said, "Oh, I've tried that - it doesn't work for me," and I wanted to say, "WELL WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING ISN'T WORKING FOR YOU EITHER!"
Anyway - is she a flake or does she have some sort of mental issue going on? I don't want to embarrass her but I think I am going to have to bring this up. I mean, it shouldn't be this hard to just get together with her. I can't imagine what the problem is - I mean I CAN but I don't want to think it.
Do you have any mutual friends who have noticed her behavior? Can you talk to her husband?
I agree talk to other friends or her husband.
This sounds like more than just "flaky behavior". Maybe it is too many medications, or the beginnings of dementia or Alzheimer's or something else but it does not sound normal.
When my mom first got Alzheimer's, she was okay, just flaky. As time went on it became worse & worse until the time came when she didn't even know who I was.
This could be something to think about&/or look at.
Kathryn, you have good reason to be concerned. I would talk to her husband and even say something to her or any mutual friends you might have.
We had a family friend who started getting forgetful and though an avid football fan started having trouble following the game. It turned out he had brain cancer.
I hope in your situation it turns out to be nothing. But if she is putting up Christmas decorations when we're going into mid January(and is she actually did this what does the husband think is going on) something is up.
Your suspicions are probably correct. But do try to confide in mutual friends and her hubby to see if they are noticing the same things. If her hubby agrees with you, then perhaps you can plan a sit down with the two them in very familiar surroundings. Explain you are worried about her forgetfulness ,etc. and suggest she she her doctor. Offer to go with her if she feels she needs support.
It's always possible that her anxiety meds/ sleeping pills are causing problems or maybe those multiple meds that are interfering with each other. Whatever it is, she needs medical help now.
I have a very good girl friend who I've been friends with for years. She and I have a very warm relationship, in spite of some differences. She is about 8 years older than me (she's in her early sixties - that's important). She is a tiny, petite, Italian woman (first generation born in the US, parents came through Ellis Island) from the northeast and is pretty liberal. I am a tall, robust "southern belle" who's politically independent and whose family has been in what is now the US since the 1630s. She has no kids - I have four, and eight grandkids. Her parents are both deceased, mine are still alive. We are like Mutt and Jeff.
Anyway, she's always been scatterbrained and more "emotionally fragile" than me - she struggles with lots of insecurities that I just simply don't have. She's more needy than me and more afraid of being alone than I am (frankly with my large family, "alone time" is a gift!). She seems to have more issues with people than I do, and her marriage is not as calm as mine, though she and her husband have been together for a long time. She seems to need more babying and more emotional support than I do, but when I do need her ear, it's there - she's a person with a generous, loving heart and I admire that about her. I guess I would say that I'm more objective and logical and just, well, uncomplicated, and she's more subjective, emotional, and has more insecurities.
Well, OK there you have all that. Now the realities of how this works:
Lately, for the past year or so, she's gotten very flaky about our get togethers. We have, for years, gotten together in person about once a week - usually lunch, some shopping, maybe a movie, doing crafts together, or some sort of project, of just sitting around drinking coffee and talking. We usually talk about once or twice a week for oh, maybe 15 minutes on the phone, often just clarifying our plans to hang out. But over the past year, she's begun doing things like claiming to have forgotten our lunch date. Often I will try to call her to remind her, and she will have either forgotten or she says, "Oh my gosh, I am running late - can you come by the house rather than meeting me at the restaurant?" Then I'll get there and I will have to wait for her to get dressed - 20, 30 minutes. Grrrrr.
She's also cancelled on me several times - on things that SHE has originally planned - with excuses like, "I'm just tired today," or "I just couldn't sleep last night and I can't seem to get going today." By the way - she sort of regularly takes sleeping pills or pills for anxiety and I just really can't relate to all that, since I never take any sort of drugs for mood or sleep - or anything else for that matter. Frankly, it irritates me when she does that.
Or - we will agree to meet somewhere - like a movie theater - and she will be VERY late. She nearly always calls and says something like, "Oh my gosh the traffic is terrible - I just left the grocery store - I had to run in and pick up something - and now I'm on Broadway," and about that time I will hear STORE NOISES AND THE CHECKOUT LINE and realize that she is still in the freaking grocery store and why on earth did she think she had to stop there when she was already going to be 20 or 30 minutes late????
Recently, she wanted to come to my house to see my newest grandchild - and my daughter was bringing him over this past Saturday. I messaged my friend a few days earlier(she responded affirmatively) on FB, with the day and time she could come over - about 2 pm Saturday. So on Friday she called me about 1 pm and said, "So what are y'all doing?" I said, "Oh, running errands - then we're going to go home and get dressed and go out for dinner." She said, "Oh...I guess I'm not going to be able to come over and see the baby then." I said, "That's tomorrow - today is Friday!" "Oh, silly me!" she said, "So they're coming over tomorrow?" I said, "Yes, and why don't you and your husband come by around 2 and have some dessert and coffee and visit for awhile?" She said, "Call me tomorrow!" and I said, "No - I might get all caught up in the visit with the grandkids - there's no need for me to call you. Just come by tomorrow about 2." "Ok, I'm excited!" she said.
You guessed it - she never came and never called. THEN TODAY (Sunday) she called and said, "Girl, I'm so tired from putting up Christmas decorations yesterday - I don't think I can come by to see the baby today." I said, "That's fine - they're not coming today - that was YESTERDAY." She then said, "Oh I really need to find my daytimer - I can't remember anything without it." I said, "You know, you ought to use the calendar on your phone - I know you carry your phone with you everywhere - you could put things in your phone and schedule a reminder," and she said, "Oh, I've tried that - it doesn't work for me," and I wanted to say, "WELL WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING ISN'T WORKING FOR YOU EITHER!"
Anyway - is she a flake or does she have some sort of mental issue going on? I don't want to embarrass her but I think I am going to have to bring this up. I mean, it shouldn't be this hard to just get together with her. I can't imagine what the problem is - I mean I CAN but I don't want to think it.
Kathryn,
Having read many of your posts over years I know you wouldn't be posting if you hadn't tried to resolve this. Has your friend had any accidents or illnesses the past 6-12 monthhs? As I read the different experiences you've shared, there is so much more I would want to know. A lot of behaviors can look the same but have very different causes. You sound concerned for your friend. If I'm inaccurate about that and you just want to let the relationship phase out, just don't initiate contact
with her.
Conversely, if you really do want to help your friend get to the boottom of what is happening to her, I have a couple of suggestions for you to consider.
1. How is your relationship with her husband? Could you talk to him and tell him you are concerned about your friend and give him some examples? Ask him if he's seen similar changes or somehow give you more insight as you are concerned about her? Then discuss how the two of you may be able to join forces to better help her get what she needs.
2. Talk to your friend in her home. I'd tell her she is different than a year ago and you care what is going on with her. Ask if she will make an appointment to see her primary care physician to just get some basic things checked. Offer to go with her. She will be more needy going to learn the status of her health. I'd offer to help her make a list of her symptoms.
With all the variables you listed it is time for a professional to asses those complaints and examine her. It's one thing to support your friend, but quite another to go forward with your friend not getting the medical evaluation she needs. I think she needs you as a friend right now. Let trained professionals evaluate her and consider different causes of her symptoms.
I hope you receive some ideas that help you. Good luck
Kathryn, you have good reason to be concerned. I would talk to her husband and even say something to her or any mutual friends you might have.
We had a family friend who started getting forgetful and though an avid football fan started having trouble following the game. It turned out he had brain cancer.
I hope in your situation it turns out to be nothing. But if she is putting up Christmas decorations when we're going into mid January(and is she actually did this what does the husband think is going on) something is up.
But if she is putting up Christmas decorations when we're going into mid January(and is she actually did this what does the husband think is going on) something is up.
I'm thinking (hoping for Kathryn's friend sake) that "putting up" Christmas decorations means putting them away, like up in the attic---and not that she thinks the beginning of January is time to put Christmas decorations up.
Kathryn, first of all, I admire that you can be friends with someone so different from you---that you are not looking for a clone of yourself.
I think you should bring it up with your friend. Don't know about her husband---you say that the marriage isn't calm---would this be adding fuel to the fire?
Do bring it up for your friend's sake (as well as your's---she has really inconvenienced and frustrated you). If she convinces you that she is just stressed/overextended, then maybe you can suggest some ways that she can lessen her stress or her busyness---and watch it for a couple more months. If she admits that she sees this in herself and is worried about it, then develop a plan---what doctors to see, etc.
I wish I had a friend like you! Let us know what you do and how it turns out.
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