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I can see how you misinterpreted what I said, which was actually this (and rereading it, it seems unclear, so thanks for the opportunity to clarify what I meant):
I didn't mean that I was irritated by her taking the meds for anxiety or sleep. I meant that I was irritated by her cancelling on me with one excuse after another, and I was wondering if it had something to do with the various meds she has been taking.
I need to point out something else as well. She has always seemed to need more pain pills than I have, and she takes them more often. For instance, we both had a hysterectomy. She took the same pills for pain that I did. But she took them for a lot longer, and was upset when she couldn't get a refill eventually. She also has needed other procedures over the years - MRIs in particular - and she always has to take "something for nerves" before she gets an MRI. She has switched doctors several times because they have refused to write her prescriptions for various anxiety or pain meds. To some extent I see her point - she IS a more anxious person than "average," I think, and I think there is a time and place for anti anxiety drugs, but honestly, I also think people can become too dependent on this sort of thing.
This concerns me. She just seems much more dependent on that sort of thing than seems healthy.
She's one of those people who often talks about needing to take a Xanax when she gets upset about something. I just can't really relate to that need since I've never even seen a Xanax. That's not saying I've never been stressed or upset or distraught about something, because I have. But when I get that way, it's not my inclination to think, "I need to take something for this stress." My default is, "I feel stressed. I need to figure out why, and then figure out what to do about it."
Xanax is seriously and terribly addictive, even after a brief period of time, say two weeks of daily use.
The withdrawal is horrible and some say worse than opiates. People, including doctors, way underestimate the gawd awful consequences that one can suffer when one is in a cycle of dependency. If your friend has been using benzodiazepines a long time, she has an awful lot on her plate. Combine this with possible age related degenerative brain issues (or whatever might be going on) and she is in a world of hurt. She's been a good friend for many years, surely you can give her the benefit of the doubt here and worry less about how this affects you and more about what's going on with her.
While you may be inconvenienced, she may be in serious serious trouble, and personally I wouldn't even confront her with how you're put out. It won't help and the anxiety of it will just make her situation worse. Asking her in a completely non judgmental way if she is okay, leaving out any mention of you being upset with her would be way more conducive to getting her to open up and may give her an opportunity to air her fears, and then get some help. But I wouldn't expect it to happen all efficient like and overnight. These things are messy.
Xanax is seriously and terribly addictive, even after a brief period of time, say two weeks of daily use.
The withdrawal is horrible and some say worse than opiates. People, including doctors, way underestimate the gawd awful consequences that one can suffer when one is in a cycle of dependency. If your friend has been using benzodiazepines a long time, she has an awful lot on her plate. Combine this with possible age related degenerative brain issues (or whatever might be going on) and she is in a world of hurt. She's been a good friend for many years, surely you can give her the benefit of the doubt here and worry less about how this affects you and more about what's going on with her.
While you may be inconvenienced, she may be in serious serious trouble, and personally I wouldn't even confront her with how you're put out. It won't help and the anxiety of it will just make her situation worse. Asking her in a completely non judgmental way if she is okay, leaving out any mention of you being upset with her would be way more conducive to getting her to open up and may give her an opportunity to air her fears, and then get some help. But I wouldn't expect it to happen all efficient like and overnight. These things are messy.
I agree that this can be very messy, which is why I am dreading a conversation that I think must take place.
Yes, I am inconvenienced and as I've stated, it does irritate me. I won't lie and say it doesn't - who likes to be stood up, to wait on someone, to be lied to, to be constantly inconvenienced? Not me. But I also think there is something deeper than "me" going on here and I am concerned for her, not simply irritated. In fact, the more that goes on, the less irritated and the more concerned I get.
I almost can't bring it up without bringing up the fact that she constantly changes or forgets plans with me - I mean that has been THE ISSUE and one of the main signs that something's amiss with her. But you're right, I can bring it up without mentioning my own irritation or inconveniences.
What makes me dread it is that I was very gentle with her yesterday when she called thinking it was Saturday - and cancelling on me. It was Sunday, she'd already stood me up the day before without a call or anything, so if I had wanted to be "righteously indignant" I certainly could have been, but instead I laughed it off, and made light of her confusion about the day, and didn't mention that she's doing this all the time with me now. Instead I said, "You know, at first I found it hard to switch from a written calendar to using my phone calendar but I finally bit the bullet and now I LOVE it. We carry our phones around all the time. It's easy to put things down in the phone app and set up a reminder." The MINUTE I said that, she got defensive and shut that down immediately. "No, no. That won't work for me." And then she immediately got off the phone.
So I think this conversation is going to be a difficult one. I plan to go over to her house and be prepared to leave quickly. I am also getting myself prepared not to react with irritation or impatience when she responds.
I'm having a mental block when it comes to how I should approach her though. I don't want to scare her off or make her feel defensive but I don't see how I can avoid that.
I agree that this can be very messy, which is why I am dreading a conversation that I think must take place.
Yes, I am inconvenienced and as I've stated, it does irritate me. I won't lie and say it doesn't - who likes to be stood up, to wait on someone, to be lied to, to be constantly inconvenienced? Not me. But I also think there is something deeper than "me" going on here and I am concerned for her, not simply irritated. In fact, the more that goes on, the less irritated and the more concerned I get.
I almost can't bring it up without bringing up the fact that she constantly changes or forgets plans with me - I mean that has been THE ISSUE and one of the main signs that something's amiss with her. But you're right, I can bring it up without mentioning my own irritation or inconveniences.
What makes me dread it is that I was very gentle with her yesterday when she called thinking it was Saturday - and cancelling on me. It was Sunday, she'd already stood me up the day before without a call or anything, so if I had wanted to be "righteously indignant" I certainly could have been, but instead I laughed it off, and made light of her confusion about the day, and didn't mention that she's doing this all the time with me now. Instead I said, "You know, at first I found it hard to switch from a written calendar to using my phone calendar but I finally bit the bullet and now I LOVE it. We carry our phones around all the time. It's easy to put things down in the phone app and set up a reminder." The MINUTE I said that, she got defensive and shut that down immediately. "No, no. That won't work for me." And then she immediately got off the phone.
So I think this conversation is going to be a difficult one. I plan to go over to her house and be prepared to leave quickly. I am also getting myself prepared not to react with irritation or impatience when she responds.
I'm having a mental block when it comes to how I should approach her though. I don't want to scare her off or make her feel defensive but I don't see how I can avoid that.
I am DREADING this conversation!
This isn't really about the standing up and what not. It really isn't. If you do bring all that up, then yes she will be defensive and you won't get anywhere at all, not now and probably not ever.
You just ask her if she's okay (in whatever form that you think she'll respond to) and give her an opening. I wouldn't go in all heavy handed ready for an intervention. She'll feel ambushed. Just let her know that you are there if she needs to chat with you. Really that's all you can do. If she doesn't answer you with any concrete explanations then you wait for another opening at a later date and ask her again. Perhaps you can recount some difficulty you're having so she feels comfortable recounting her own worries. But do not criticize her, much as you may want to or may feel justified. It may take a while but if she senses you are sympathetic and not going to hold her feet to the fire then she will come around when she's ready. But at the slightest hint that she's going have her inventory taken and have to account for herself when she's probably not in a state to do so will send her running and that will be that.
She's probably well aware she's failing in certain regards. She'll appreciate you being there for her and not alluding to her failures specifically. Even if you have the best intentions. I can't tell you how scary it is to be in her position.
Do not get mad at her for not responding the way you think she should, in the timeframe you've set in your head. She's likely doing the best she can and that's all you can expect of her.
This isn't really about the standing up and what not. It really isn't. If you do bring all that up, then yes she will be defensive and you won't get anywhere at all, not now and probably not ever.
You just ask her if she's okay (in whatever form that you think she'll respond to) and give her an opening. I wouldn't go in all heavy handed ready for an intervention. She'll feel ambushed. Just let her know that you are there if she needs to chat with you. Really that's all you can do. If she doesn't answer you with any concrete explanations then you wait for another opening at a later date and ask her again. Perhaps you can recount some difficulty you're having so she feels comfortable recounting her own worries. But do not criticize her, much as you may want to or may feel justified. It may take a while but if she senses you are sympathetic and not going to hold her feet to the fire then she will come around when she's ready. But at the slightest hint that she's going have her inventory taken and have to account for herself when she's probably not in a state to do so will send her running and that will be that.
She's probably well aware she's failing in certain regards. She'll appreciate you being there for her and not alluding to her failures specifically. Even if you have the best intentions. I can't tell you how scary it is to be in her position.
Do not get mad at her for not responding the way you think she should, in the timeframe you've set in your head. She's likely doing the best she can and that's all you can expect of her.
This is good advice. Thanks.
So far, I haven't said anything about her inconveniencing me because I've felt there was something amiss. I mean, at first, I just thought she was being her usual scatterbrained self (which IS her usual self), but in the past several months, it's become chronic and she seems genuinely confused.
Oh, another thing - she seems to be slipping when it comes to her hair and makeup. But also I've noticed that she seems to have developed a tremor in her right hand, and I had chalked the makeup and hair thing up to that. I mean, she is actually a very attractive, tiny, cute woman who has always taken great care of herself when it comes to clothes, makeup, hair, etc. She is still very interested in that sort of thing, but I've noticed her hair and makeup being messy lately.
Now I'm really getting worried about her! All this has been recent, and to be honest, I hadn't connected the dots till now.
One of my thoughts was is this person safe driving? Have you ridden in a car with her or even seen her drive recently? Does she have a lot of new dents and scrapes on her car?
Of course, this is a completely different issue than her flakiness, but I would have to be concerned that someone that confused, and on many medications, could be a danger to herself and others while driving.
So far, I haven't said anything about her inconveniencing me because I've felt there was something amiss. I mean, at first, I just thought she was being her usual scatterbrained self (which IS her usual self), but in the past several months, it's become chronic and she seems genuinely confused.
Oh, another thing - she seems to be slipping when it comes to her hair and makeup. But also I've noticed that she seems to have developed a tremor in her right hand, and I had chalked the makeup and hair thing up to that. I mean, she is actually a very attractive, tiny, cute woman who has always taken great care of herself when it comes to clothes, makeup, hair, etc. She is still very interested in that sort of thing, but I've noticed her hair and makeup being messy lately.
Now I'm really getting worried about her! All this has been recent, and to be honest, I hadn't connected the dots till now.
Yes, I think you're right to be worried.
Sounds like something neurological, either because of the pills, some kind of ailment, or both.
Here are the symptoms of Xanax withdrawal, which can happen only 12 hours after after a dose. Xanax has a very short half life, which means the effects of withdrawal can start appearing very quickly as the drug leaves the nervous system. Because it directly effects the brain and puts a damper on the CNS, anxiety is extremely heightened and can become unbearable when the body is suddenly left to cope on its own.
Most common effects of Xanax withdrawal include:
Insomnia.
Tremors.
Nausea and vomiting.
“Brain fogâ€
Increased anxiety.
Depression.
Suicidal thoughts and behaviors.
She feels like crap, if this is indeed the issue. It's very likely. But obviously no one but her knows for sure. The worst thing about it is that with prescription drugs that have been obtained for legitimate reasons from a doctor - the person taking it has absolutely no idea that they've gone into withdrawal like a common junkie and will be freaked out and terrified by the way they feel. They won't connect those particular dots. Perhaps you can have a very confidential talk with her husband. But not if you think he's going to go off all half cocked and start accusing her of anything. That will be totally counterproductive. And as much as we all want to do something immediately, this may be a scenario where you need to gain her trust first and guide toward a solution later.
One of my thoughts was is this person safe driving? Have you ridden in a car with her or even seen her drive recently? Does she have a lot of new dents and scrapes on her car?
Of course, this is a completely different issue than her flakiness, but I would have to be concerned that someone that confused, and on many medications, could be a danger to herself and others while driving.
Well, I have noticed that whenever I offer to pick her up rather than meet her somewhere, she jumps at the offer. I haven't noticed any dents on her car. But I've wondered a time or two recently about whether or not she should drive. The tremor in her right hand is new.
Now that I'm thinking through all this, I'm really getting worried. And I am sure that she will NOT react well to any sort of conversation about this.
She's a little young for this, but Urinary Tract Infections often cause confusion in the elderly and can be mistaken for early onset of dementia.
In any case, a lot of people will refuse to go doctors when they are afraid they will find out something they don't want to hear e.g. dementia. If they think the problem is something easily solvable e.g. confusion triggered by medications, they are more likely to go.
Here's things that gave me enough brain fog to think I had a stroke: menopause, RA, fibro and a low thyroid.
I went from doing math in my head, learning things quickly, high vocabulary, and super organized.... to not knowing what frigging day it was. Noting saying any of that applies, just stuff other than drugs and dementia can cause changes.
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Sounds like something neurological, either because of the pills, some kind of ailment, or both.
Here are the symptoms of Xanax withdrawal, which can happen only 12 hours after after a dose. Xanax has a very short half life, which means the effects of withdrawal can start appearing very quickly as the drug leaves the nervous system. Because it directly effects the brain and puts a damper on the CNS, anxiety is extremely heightened and can become unbearable when the body is suddenly left to cope on its own.
Most common effects of Xanax withdrawal include:
Insomnia.
Tremors.
Nausea and vomiting.
“Brain fog”
Increased anxiety.
Depression.
Suicidal thoughts and behaviors.
She feels like crap, if this is indeed the issue. It's very likely. But obviously no one but her knows for sure. The worst thing about it is that with prescription drugs that have been obtained for legitimate reasons from a doctor - the person taking it has absolutely no idea that they've gone into withdrawal like a common junkie and will be freaked out and terrified by the way they feel. They won't connect those particular dots. Perhaps you can have a very confidential talk with her husband. But not if you think he's going to go off all half cocked and start accusing her of anything. That will be totally counterproductive. And as much as we all want to do something immediately, this may be a scenario where you need to gain her trust first and guide toward a solution later.
Yes. I AM worried about talking about this with her husband - they have a pretty volatile relationship, largely because he is constantly stressed and irritated with her. Some of this I can understand but he also seems insensitive about some of it.
I didn't know anything about Xanax but I know she seems too dependent on it. I also know that she seems to be afraid to live without medications that alter or control her moods. I don't know how much of that is from a legitimate condition, if any, though, because she hasn't told me that she has any sort of actual mental, medical, or emotional issue.
A few years ago, she became dependent on some sort of pain killer, some sort of opiate. She "kicked the habit" on her own, and is very proud of that fact (legitimately so). She has told me several times about how difficult it was to simply NOT take those pills, the withdrawal symptoms, the realization that she had been in fact addicted and her determination not to be an addict.
So I do think this is a problem area for her. Ugh. I'm going to have to bring this up with her. Not to call her a drug addict, but to ask her about any problems she is having, and I do think I need to tell her that I'm concerned about her cognitive problems - and I'm going to have to ask her about what prescription drugs she's using.
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