Mid-Life Culture and Finding Appropriate Friends

[Canaletto 1697]

Here is the thing. Some women with children are very cool. I remember when I was a school age kid, some of my pals had really great moms. I liked the moms better than the pals themselves. Now also, the friend with the 3 kids was a great childfree friend before. One day she woke up and it's like she had an epiphany. She decided she must have children. She changed radically and became a not so nice person. Her children? I actually like them. They're not mean. Not mean to animals or people. I enjoy them when rarely I was there. They had fun with me. We did all kinds of things; coloring complicated stuff, they were helping me cook and set the table, etc.
IT'S THE FRIEND WHO BECAME OBNOXIOUS. Not the children. The friend became a resentful biotch. The kids used to say hello to me on the phone all the time. The problem many of us childfree have is not with the kids often. It's with the way the mother behaves around us; the scorn, the judgments, the "it's a competition who's got a harder life", etc. The problem is not being around kids themselves. I like it when they're in school and have questions..when they like to learn about new exciting things.They like to do fun stuff.

[lottamoxie]

The grass is always greener syndrome.

Women go through various phases in their lives and sometimes their inner beotch is what gets unleashed. Also women have a habit of resenting what they perceive others have and then simmering with contempt. Those feelings come out over time and it ain't pretty. You don't have to be doing anything different on your side -- the friend has changed over time, life gets complicated, maybe she's depressed or sort of pissed off at the spouse... who knows. Or maybe she's subconsciously pushing people (like you) away because she feels 'less than.' Obviously I'm guessing, but this is the kind of stuff that often goes on between women of all ages.

Bottomline is treat your friends with kindness, but don't put up with rude or obnoxious behavior, or at least, not for long. It doesn't require a big showdown either. Spend time where you feel nurtured and less time where you don't.

[CraigCreek]

Check out the traditional music and dance community. It's very welcoming to both singles and couples, open to adults of all ages, inexpensive, has no booze at most events (dancers often socialize with a beer or two afterwards, but the focus is on conversation, not drinking), usually live music, good exercise, very accessible, beginners welcome. Participants tend to be well-educated, arty, intelligent and respectful and respectable people.

All dances are taught and walked through, then "called" while the dance is underway, at least until everyone is comfortable. At that point, the caller may drop out for a bit, but will call again as the dance concludes.

Dances can be smooth, flowing, and elegant, or zesty and lively. They consist of various arrangements of dance figures and are quite mathematical, which probably explains the high number of engineers and computer geeks who enjoy trad. dance ( as do librarians and nurses, for some reason - all four professions seem very over-represented among dancers, but no one has pinpointed the reason why. Quilters also enjoy trad. dance. Gotta be the geometrics).

Individual dances can be simple or complex, and some are more physically demanding than others. Usually a good caller will note a dance's special qualities, especially if it is hard on knees or bad backs, before the dancers get on the floor with their partners.

The music; oh, the music! Often live, it sounds like old-time for contra (and often IS old-time), and sometimes more like Baroque music for English country dancing. If you saw some of the many Jane Austin screen adaptations, you've seen and heard ECD.

The ECD community tends to be a little more mature than the contra crowd these days, although there's an overlap and many people enjoy both. Contra can be very physical, with lots of showy moves which don't necessarily advance the sense of community, imho, while English, while often very lively, is more flowing and places more emphasis on carriage and moving gracefully to the music. Many of the dances in both categories are historic, but new dances and melodies in the mode of the old ones are being composed in great numbers and are also very popular. You can find good examples of both on YouTube.

If you check out a contra, English country, or other folk dance, wear flat shoes that won't come off mid-dance, and comfortable clothing that allows you to move freely. Try to dance with experienced dancers - you'll learn faster that way - and don't mistake dance courtesy or flirtation for anything other than friendliness and fun "acting".

Partners usually change for every dance, and anyone can ask anyone else to dance. You can dance with men or women as your partner, and you'll also be dancing with others in your set (dance formation). Let people know you're a beginner and don't get upset if - when - you make mistakes. Thank your partner at the end of the dance, even if they stepped on your toes. If you turn down an invitation to dance in favor of sitting out, it is not cool to then accept another's invitation to that same dance. If you say you are going to sit out rather than dance, then sit out. Booking partners ahead for more than perhaps one dance is also considered uncool in most dance circles, though it does happen.

Many women wear full skirts that come below the knee and coordinating T-shirts for weekly dances, with more festive attire for balls or special weekend workshops. Men also wear T-shirts or sports shirts, sometimes over loose Bermudas, and also dress up more for balls. Some men choose to wear flowing skirts for dancing. I prefer kilts over skirts, but no one will blink an eye at any of these choices.

See cdny.org for more info. Warning, though - if you become a dancer, it will change your life. If you want to find out just how it will change your life, then go dancing!

[BirdieBelle]

Originally Posted by Canaletto 1697

IT'S THE FRIEND WHO BECAME OBNOXIOUS. Not the children. The friend became a resentful biotch.

We get it. We know what you mean. I don't think anyone here is trying to convince you to spend more time with kids.

The thing is ... people can get that way about anything in life. "Finding friends" is a changing, lifelong process because people are always changing.

Circumstances and how we all react to them affect our relationships, so if you have a friend who starts behaving in a way you don't like, it's up to you to either bolt or try to point it out to them.

If they are a cool person who cares about you and doesn't have a lot of emotional hang ups (like being competitive) they will adjust their behavior to become more tolerable.

[Steinish]

Originally Posted by Canaletto 1697

I am mid 40s woman in New York City area. I'm childfree and single. I can't tell you how hard it is to make friends - and keep them.

Most of the women my age and older around me over here, are married with kids...or just married. Moderator cut: delete
I have lots of energy, love the arts and am into physical fitness; yoga, pilates, dance classes, rollerblading.

I have a few out of wedlock single mothers who despise men. They're bitter and I can't take the negativity about guys. I don't have any problems with the boys socially or otherwise.So I'm not interested in bashing the male gender or listening them go on and on.

So how do I find the SINGLE- CHILDFREE - WOMEN FRIENDS OVER 40? Moderator cut: delete
I'm considering different meetups and just continue the fitness classes...and hobbies above.
Any other places? (Please don't say "BARS")

Find yourself a nice man who you can date and enjoy life with. How long is your list for a suitable romantic partner?

[veuvegirl]

As a woman over 40 with kids, several of my best friends are childless and/or single. I used to limit myself of wanting friends who had kids, and not only had kids, but kids the same age as mine!! I made a wonderful group of friends, however we all have moved to different parts of the country. I wanted to recreate it. HA!

I now have a great group of friends that all have different interests than me and broaden my horizons. I don't pressure them to have kids It is a fun group where we all challenge each other to do new things, enjoy girls nights out, girls weekends, lunch, running, dinner etc.

I understand wanting to have friends that are single over 40 etc. keep looking, but try not to limit yourself.