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I'm not "flouncing off in a huff". I don't even expect a written note of thanks; if you'll re-read my OP, I simply asked if it was to much to expect possibly an email or a text acknowledging receipt of the check. No, I didn't send the check with "strings attached". I am proud of her accomplishment and sent the check to acknowledge that achievement. However, if there's so little appreciation accorded to my gift, then I see no reason to send them in the future. If that makes me "bad" or petty for feeling that way, I can live with that.
I'm not "flouncing off in a huff". I don't even expect a written note of thanks; if you'll re-read my OP, I simply asked if it was to much to expect possibly an email or a text acknowledging receipt of the check. No, I didn't send the check with "strings attached". I am proud of her accomplishment and sent the check to acknowledge that achievement. However, if there's so little appreciation accorded to my gift, then I see no reason to send them in the future. If that makes me "bad" or petty for feeling that way, I can live with that.
You're not being petty. It used to be sending a young person a check for graduation/holiday/birthday got a thank you.
Manners are going by the wayside, sadly.
The strings attached comment was ridiculous. Takes two seconds to say thank you.
Someone(perhaps the OP) better tell this young woman she will get further in life with them.
Agree, it has to do with her upbringing. Never too late to learn to improve your social skills.
There were no strings attached, if you write a check and say you must use this money for such and such, that's strings attached.
Sending a gift and expecting the recipient to mirror your definition of manners = strings.
Sending a gift because you want to and forgetting about it = no strings.
For the record, OP, graduation is a perfect natural cut-off point for gifts to kids in the extended family anyway, regardless of whether they show you proof of their manners.
Sending a gift and expecting the recipient to mirror your definition of manners = strings.
Sending a gift and forgetting about it = no strings.
For the record, OP, graduation is a perfect natural cut-off point for gifts to kids in the extended family anyway, regardless of whether they show you proof of their manners.
No, it isn't.
Saying "thank you" whether someone holds a door for you, or sends you a check is basic manners.
Saying "thank you" whether someone holds a door for you, or sends you a check is basic manners.
Yeah. That is not in question.
I will defer to the great Carolyn Hax on this, who expresses it better than I can in an column I bookmarked years ago:
"I will say, unequivocally, this family is in the wrong for not thanking you. You have spent time and money on each of them, which warrants prompt acknowledgment, without exception.
That said, your expenditures seem to have strings attached. You describe marking occasions as "a big deal in my family," and that's fine on its face - but your tenacity and frustration betray you as having more than the pleasure of giving in your heart. Instead, you feed off the transaction: You give to others and receive gifts, cards, calls, gratitude, approbation in return. When you expect others to complete your happiness transaction, then judge them harshly for failing to do that, it becomes tough to distinguish giving from bullying.
That's because your brother's family has no obligation to mark holidays the same way you do. They're entitled to their own philosophy, which could be, just for example, that card-sending on minor holidays is a crime against trees, that less is more for birthdays, and that gifts are an unwelcome double whammy: stuff they don't want, plus guilt for not wanting it or for wishing Auntie had saved her money.
I will underscore here that none of these erases this family's obligation to say thanks.
Their obligation doesn't just begin there, it also ends there. There is no "and worse" when it comes to your children's birthdays. It would be lovely of your brother to place happy-birthday calls, sure - but he can still enjoy and care about your kids and not even have the birthdays marked on his calendar. He is who he is, and he's not you.
So back to where I started: If giving to this family brings you pain or frustration, stop doing it. Framing it as punishment, however, is just another way of viewing them through the lens of your own values. I would argue here for pragmatism: The cards and gifts (as far as you can tell) aren't having the intended effect, so it's time for Plan B.
That Plan B is up to you, but it's why I included the "without prejudice" qualifier. Allowing that this family has its own, informal ways of showing affection doesn't guarantee you'll ever be close, but it leaves the door open to the possibility. Writing everyone off as an ingrate all but slams that door shut."
Recently my grand-niece graduated college. She lives all the way across the country from me, so I really never get to see her, but I do send a check every holiday (which is never acknowledged, btw.) So far I have received neither thanks nor even acknowledgement that she received the check (which I'm certain she did). I know I'm an old baby-boomer broad, but is it expecting too much to at least get a "Hey, got your check. THX." email or txt from her?
This is interesting, because its not a daughter or a grand daughter, or a niece, but a grand niece, who lives far from you and that you never see. I dont see much of a relationship there, actually. I dont know how long you've been sending checks...maybe for years and years....but it seems you're expecting communication when there hasnt been any in the past.
You have been sending checks for years with no expectations of acknowledgement. Its been a nice gesture on your end, but obviously not appreciated.
My sister had a rule that her kids were not allowed to cash the check unless they'd either written a note or called to say thank you. This was pre- being able to take a picture of the check with your phone to deposit it, though.
Good for her!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pitt Chick
Our rule was that the gift could not be used in any way until it was acknowledged... money, toys, whatever!
That was the rule at our house, too. It apparently is now completely ingrained. Our son and DIL sent out handwritten Thank You notes within two weeks of returning home from their short honeymoon. Our daughter has quite a selection of pretty notecards, or designs & creates her own, and uses them to promptly send out Thank You notes.
My sister had a rule that her kids were not allowed to cash the check unless they'd either written a note or called to say thank you. This was pre- being able to take a picture of the check with your phone to deposit it, though.
I had the same rule! I thought it was completely ingrained by the time they flew the nest, they had been writing thank-you notes since the time they could put crayon to paper. I know my son remembers, he'll at least send a text message to say thanks. DIL has never said thank you for anything, not once. And yes, it bugs me.
Personally I want acknowledgement, a phone call is just fine. Otherwise I'd figure they did not appreciate it. And that would be end of my gifting to them.
Sending a gift and expecting the recipient to mirror your definition of manners = strings.
Sending a gift because you want to and forgetting about it = no strings.
For the record, OP, graduation is a perfect natural cut-off point for gifts to kids in the extended family anyway, regardless of whether they show you proof of their manners.
I don't care. So many of these gifts are sent as a result of "announcements" instead of any real feeling of closeness to the recipient. It's almost as impersonal as a business transaction, except businesses usually have the common sense to provide acknowledgement.
I'm done with going along with the flow.
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regardless of whether they show you proof of their manners.
That is not in question.
