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Here's a person who goes through the effort of carrying around a life inside the womb, painfully gives birth, changes diapers, feeds, and raises a child. Such a person must be a nurturer; and after all of that turns on the child. Not saying that I'm so ignorant as to believe that such people don't exist; it's just that they exist in far greater numbers than I realized.
Color me disillusioned.
I'm not upset in that because I had one of those b***hes as "mom", and especially when I was younger thought it was because of me, not her, it does, in a way that cannot be explained correctly, make me feel better to know I'm not the only one who had horrible parents. That sounds terrible, but what I mean is that I'm not alone in that. And I learn a LOT when others who have been through it share their stories. I see a lot of similarities in how these hags acted, and I learn from how the other person is dealing with it, no matter what part of that process they are currently in. Same goes for "Crappiest 'Father' of the Year" Award recipients. For some of us, those threads are very helpful.
I am upset that so many have such terrible parents. I know what it's like. It sucks. It sucks really, really hard, especially when it feels like everyone else has loving parents who are their friends, and have their back, and support them in so many ways...no person should ever have to go through that in their early years of life. What those "parents" have done is make life a thousand times harder for the kids they chose to have...or even adopt.
The threads are very helpful, and in some ways, therapeutic, and I also empathize, deeply, with those who have suffered, needlessly, during the most important years of their life.
While I would never vote for it to be a law that some people shouldn't have kids, I firmly believe that some jerks out there should NEVER have kids. If they do, they should be taken away immediately to spare that innocent person of years of horrible and oftentimes evil people.
I would also like to break the stigma that those who were abused will grow up to be abusive themselves. It can happen, but more often than not, it does NOT happen. My sperm donor and incubator were not abused at all. They were just selfish aholes who didn't care about their own damn kids.
Here's a person who goes through the effort of carrying around a life inside the womb, painfully gives birth, changes diapers, feeds, and raises a child. Such a person must be a nurturer; and after all of that turns on the child. Not saying that I'm so ignorant as to believe that such people don't exist; it's just that they exist in far greater numbers than I realized.
Color me disillusioned.
I think that most women are instinctual nurturers unless they're alcoholics, into drugs or were raised by someone who was and it became learned behavior for them to be distant and neglectful as that was what was modeled for them. Then they're merely biological mothers much like distant or absent fathers.
No, I'm not upset, just somewhat disturbed that there are such women raising and influencing children but it is what it is. My own mother was a perfect boys mother until I was about 10. From that time on while we always had a nice home and my mother was a marvelous cook she became somewhat neglectful fueled, no doubt, by how much she began to drink. I really didn't mind all that much as I enjoyed the freedom of filling my own time pretty much how I wanted and I was never endangered. Sadly, many other children fare much worse.
This is decidedly one of the unfortunate circumstances of some childrens' lives and there's not a lot most of us can do about it individually but we can make an effort to raise our own children in a warm and nurturing environment.
Not sure what you mean by garbage and inane drivel, but when a child is subjected to abuse, neglect, etc every day of their lives, then all the church going and clothes and college and all that stuff that they MAY have received really doesn't mean that much. That child grows into an adult and that adult is often SHOCKED when they realize "Hey, that stuff was wrong and lots of people aren't raised that way." Sometimes it takes well into one's adulthood to even realize this, and then years of introspection, hard work, counseling, therapy, etc to break those ingrained patterns of thinking and responding.
When a person is raised by an abuser, they can understand the subtleties of all different sorts of abusive behavior. Abuse doesn't have to be physical to beat a person down.
Keep in mind that mental illness and medications and destructive patterns of abuse or addiction or both are very highly stigmatized, even today but ESPECIALLY 30 or 40 50 years ago. Just because they were pushed under the table or hidden from public doesn't mean they weren't very harmful to kids growing up in those environments. Those kids carry scars for life. It takes a lot of work to get past those issues - and that work is even harder when the parents who subjected the kids to that environment are still alive, and are still too ashamed or in denial to face the truth of their lives and the depth of their issues.
Gosh dangit, you fricken nailed it again. For the longest time, as a young adult, if I saw a dad and his little girl in a store or at the park or whever, I would follow them around because it was so...unreal to me that he actually LOVED his daughter. It was so foreign. I couldn't stop watching.
I still feel a sense of shock when I see it...although I don't follow people around anymore to watch them be normal.
As for the person who "can't stand to read" all of these types of posts...how the HELL do you think we enjoyed living it?
You have a choice not to have reality intrude in to your little bubble.
People with bad mothers do seem to be over represented here. My mom wasn't like that and I don't really know any that were.
It may be things that were hidden before are brought out to the front more. People tend to want to share more than in the past and some will use any opening in any situation to do so. If there was a thread about childhood presents there will be posts from people that never got one. If there was a thread about taking dancing lessons as a child there will be posts from people whose mother wouldn't take them. Some can't seem to ever let it go and will mention it at every opportunity.
I wish that not getting dancing lessons was my biggest problem in childhood. I was slapped, punched, kicked, and bitten by my mom. I got thrown down the stairs. She held a pillow over my face. I could go on and on. And you know what? I am not going to sit here and pretend that none of it happened. Just count your lucky stars that your mother was never like that. And you don't know 100% about other mothers. My mother could be kicking the crap out of me, the phone would ring, and she answered it like nothing was going on. I resent that even today I am taking a bunch of medications and going to therapy to undo all that mess. And no, I really don't care if I make anyone uncomfortable by saying it. There are a lot of us out there, and we are all valuable people with a voice that deserves to be heard. And I have nothing but compassion for people that have been through a childhood like mine, because I have been there.
This is bull. Are you actually accusing the people who post about abuse of lying?
Posts about abuse annoy you?? Well sorry.
Did it occur to you that people feel safe 'talking ' about it anonymously?
I hope no one ever confides in you about abuse. God help them if they do not fit your narrow view.
Such outrage over something I never said. I see victims of true child abuse on a regular basis, such as the 18 yr old prostitute I worked with this week. She was turning tricks to feed her child because her parents threw her out at 17 when they found out she was pregnant. She isn't on C-D complaining her mother doesn't love her, she's too busy trying to survive.
By labeling every difficult parent abusive, it diminishes the experiences of the truly abused. The most overused word on this forum has got to be "toxic", followed quickly by that list of mental illnesses people are so fast to assign to perfect strangers.
Yes, parents of both sexes can be difficult to deal with. But at what age should adults be expected to do just that? A 20 yr old posting because they have nobody to turn to is one thing, a 30, 40 or 50 yr old who just wants to vent is quite another. At some point it behooves us to admit parents may not be perfect, but we have the ability to move beyond our childhoods.
Most of us don't talk about it in real life because we know we'll get the reaction like we sometimes get here, and on this thread - we must be whiny babies who are just ungrateful because our parents didn't spoil us rotten or give us the world on a plate. For a lot of us, this forum is the first place where we've found others who understand what we're dealing with.
I get it, the idea of a mom who doesn't love her kids seems so unreal. You weren't abused or neglected, so what's your problem? You got your meals, had a roof over your head. What else do you need? I get it. I'm a mom myself so I can understand why it seems so unreal that a mom could just not be capable of actually caring for or about her child. I find that most people have to see these parents in action to fully grasp it. And I'm happy for those of you who think it's bull-hickey that you haven't seen it with your own eyes.
And for the record, my stepmom made mistakes too. It wasn't easy to all of a sudden having two children when she didn't have any to begin with. I was about 3 and my sister was 5.
I understand her mistakes and Yes, sometimes I got my feelings hurt (not to mention my bottom) a few times. After she had her son (my half brother) he did get treated a bit better and I think she learned a bit how Not to do things by practicing on us. LOL
One thing I did know, She Chose to marry my dad and to be our parent with him. She did love me and I knew it Always. Even when I was being punished and rightfully so.
Kids can tell when we are wanted and when we are not. We can tell when we are loved.
My dad had more wives than Bin Laden One of them was a woman who was about 12 or so years older than my dad. Her kids were older and had already moved out of the house, here I come along about 7 or 8 years old and this woman was not thrilled with the "baggage" of my dad having me.
She wasn't abusive but was just cool and clearly "tolerated" me and yes, kids can tell when they are wanted or not. She was an uptight germaphobe type that really wasn't the most pleasant place for a 8 year old boy. Her two kids were girls/women that were up and out of the house already.
Through a weird series of events my dad kept in contact with these two daughters of his wife long after they split up. Was having some conversations about the stepmother with them and they were jealous of the great relationship that I had with their mother. LOL, I'm like you must be confused because she was cool as hell to me. Apparently she was even "cooler" with them, so I got the better treatment which is sad because it wasn't all that great, nothing like SWgirl posted, but still.
I wish that not getting dancing lessons was my biggest problem in childhood. I was slapped, punched, kicked, and bitten by my mom. I got thrown down the stairs. She held a pillow over my face. I could go on and on. And you know what? I am not going to sit here and pretend that none of it happened. Just count your lucky stars that your mother was never like that. And you don't know 100% about other mothers. My mother could be kicking the crap out of me, the phone would ring, and she answered it like nothing was going on. I resent that even today I am taking a bunch of medications and going to therapy to undo all that mess. And no, I really don't care if I make anyone uncomfortable by saying it. There are a lot of us out there, and we are all valuable people with a voice that deserves to be heard. And I have nothing but compassion for people that have been through a childhood like mine, because I have been there.
Same here. I was beat/tortured with extension cords until my skin bled, punched, slapped, hair ripped out, kicked, etc. And the worst of it was the name calling - being called the B-word on a daily basis at the tender age of 5. Who does this to a child!! My mom clearly didn't like me and has no maternal instinct at all. She has no relationship with any of her grandkids. I've not seen her in 25 years and have no real desire to do so. We speak on occasion via phone (when she initiates) and the convo is so fake I want to throw up. She's still very evil. Always judging, gossiping or cursing abt someone. Sometimes it's just too much to listen to and I tell her that I won't listen to that "talk" and suggest she calls again when her mood is better (which is almost never).
Despite all that I went thru, I am so very thankful that I was capable of raising two kind, loving kids despite my childhood pain. That was my blessing. I'm still working on healing and believe me it's quite a chore.
Such outrage over something I never said. I see victims of true child abuse on a regular basis, such as the 18 yr old prostitute I worked with this week. She was turning tricks to feed her child because her parents threw her out at 17 when they found out she was pregnant. She isn't on C-D complaining her mother doesn't love her, she's too busy trying to survive.
By labeling every difficult parent abusive, it diminishes the experiences of the truly abused. The most overused word on this forum has got to be "toxic", followed quickly by that list of mental illnesses people are so fast to assign to perfect strangers.
Yes, parents of both sexes can be difficult to deal with. But at what age should adults be expected to do just that? A 20 yr old posting because they have nobody to turn to is one thing, a 30, 40 or 50 yr old who just wants to vent is quite another. At some point it behooves us to admit parents may not be perfect, but we have the ability to move beyond our childhoods.
I'm only going to say: You have NO idea what you're talking about. None at all. "Difficult to deal with..." Not. A. Clue.
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One of them was a woman who was about 12 or so years older than my dad. Her kids were older and had already moved out of the house, here I come along about 7 or 8 years old and this woman was not thrilled with the "baggage" of my dad having me.
