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I enjoy the trips, to a point. It's good to see my old friends and my husband's family, but I'm always reminded of why I'm glad that I left when I'm in the middle of my family dynamic again. It feels really good to be completely on our own; even with my MIL living here now we still act as if she doesn't because we've come to realize that relying upon ourselves makes us happier. She ends up being the one to babysit our kids, as we've gotten so used to being on our own.
Regarding my own parents, I doubt they will ever come to visit us. My father is fine to travel but my mother is not. They can well afford first class travel and my father would make sure my mother is fully accommodated by any airline; she's disabled, can walk, but things are hard for her, so airplane travel would be very difficult. Although, I have some trouble dealing with that, as my parents travel 4-5 hours by car to the family vacation house in Mexico on a fairly regular basis. I know that air travel is obviously different than car travel but I'm hopeful that my mom would be well enough to eventually travel to see us out here.
I would cut back to an annual visit, maybe add a day to it. Use the new found time to explore the areas around your new place & make your new location your now "home".
Is it my responsibilty to always come back to visit?
In a manner of speaking, yes. You're the one who left. The rest of your family probably figures that they shouldn't have to chase after you to visit, and to an extent I agree with them. That said, the solution is obvious: visit only as often (or not as often) as you desire. If they try and guilt you into coming more often, simply point out that, as others have said, the planes and the highways run in both directions; and you'd be happy to meet them at the airport or at your front door with open arms.
It seems that way in the minds of others. We moved away from the bulk of our varied (all from previous marriages) children and grandchildren 8.5 years ago when I retired. They're scattered all over in California, Texas, Ohio and North Carolina. We're in the Missouri Ozarks. This is where we wanted to live out our days. How selfish of us! Since then we've made numerous trips to those in California and Ohio. Only my two sons and their families from Ohio and my wife's two daughters and family from California have been to visit, once each, and we paid for the latter two here and back. Everyone seems to be under the presumption that we will do and bear the costs of visits. They presume wrong.
My wife and I are 68 and 70, respectively. I had significant neurosurgery some years back which saved my life but left me with some physical deficits. My wife has had a number of health and physical issues requiring several surgeries and can't sit for long periods of time. We've made it clear that our flying and long driving days are over yet the presumptions seem to persist.
I primarily chalk up the dearth of offspring visits to some degree of laziness, entitlement and lack of true caring which I'm sure all would deny. My youngest son is the exception. With both of us being retired we're on somewhat reduced and fixed incomes and such travel puts a financial strain on us now. It's just not going to happen anymore, nor are we going to pay for the "pleasure" of their company any longer.
Does or should it really matter who left? When it comes to physical visits I think not. None of us need to nor should we be tied down to proximity.
I'm going to side with your extended family on this one. Maybe you've forgotten, but it's far, far more challenging (in terms of cost, logistics, and sheer effort) for a family with children to travel than it is for a pair of retired adults to travel.
Several years ago, my in-laws guilted us into visiting them for Christmas. Thus, my family (2 adults, 2 kids) and my brother-in-law's family (2 adults, 3 kids) hauled out from Maryland and Michigan (respectively) to Colorado. We were forced by school schedules to only travel at the most peak (read: crowded and expensive) times, and of course we had to bring heavy winter clothes and Christmas gifts and a bunch of other items that must have made the airline smile with delight at all the bag fees they got from us. So yeah, 11 of us having to deal with a great deal of cost and inconvenience so that the two retired folks (who could come out whenever they liked, school schedules be damned) didn't have to go anywhere. And not that this has anything to do with traveling, but it didn't help that the in-laws decided to save a few pennies by not raising the heat above 60 degrees. When we finally got back home, I said I would never go out there at Christmas again, period. My brother-in-law was the same way. And we've been true to our word ever since.
If you don't want to continue traveling out of state, that's your choice. But don't expect the others to come out your way.
I moved out of my home state nearly 2 years ago. It's a 3 hour plane ride and I myself have made the trip back 4 times already and have taken my kids 3 times. I knew when I moved that I would most likely shoulder most of the burden of travel since my own family of origin is stubborn and my mother isn't able to travel much these days but.....
The thing is, I am already tired of it being ME who has to spend copious amounts of money, arrange our schedule and deal with the hassles of traveling. NO ONE in my own family has come to visit us once. NO ONE has expressed any real interest in visiting us. Granted, our move wasn't exactly a favored one from my family's point of view but I had hoped that nearly 2 years in they would have some sort of inkling to see the life we've created here and want to share with them.
My husband's family is totally different; my FIL has been out 3 times, my SIL and her family 3 times and my MIL now lives here.
A conversation that I had with my father as he was driving us to the airport was illuminating because he told me that he "thinks" that my siblings feel as if since I'm the one who moved that I am the one who should always travel back. Is that the way it is supposed to be? Should the ones who've moved away shoulder that burden? Am I responsible for always having to come back to see everyone just because I was wanting a better life in another state and didn't ever want to live off my parent's money?
I thought your name looked familiar. Your the poster who left CA for TX and your mother is in poor health.
Your sister is the primary caregiver for your mom and you did posts how she should pay rent, even though she lives with your parents and is doing a job that if the family had to pay someone would be paying out easily several hundred dollars a week.
You also don't like your brother.
So why on earth do you want them to visit? To show off the big house in TX and smirk about how you can get more in TX? Of course you can get a bigger house in TX than CA, but than it's in TX.
Look it was your choice to move away and certainly your right.
But your mom can't travel, your sister who does the caregiving can't travel, why would you want your brother to visit, so that leaves your dad, who probably wouldn't go without your mom.
If you're going to post paint the whole picture. Your husband's family can visit because they're not dealing with a major family health issue.
And your husband and kids don't have to go every time. Go by yourself.
Limit your visit to once a year.
Last edited by seain dublin; 03-16-2017 at 12:04 PM..
Relationships are a two-way street. If they can't be bothered to ever travel and visit you, then you shouldn't feel obligated to do the same.
100% agreed! Don't visit for a year and see if any of them come to visit you! We had a similar situation. My BIL & SIL moved out of state. It was a 3 our flight or 12 hours in car. We have visited them twice and they have come here a few times as well. It's a 2 way street!
Can you offer equivalent accommodation? Do you have guest rooms they can stay in? Or do you live in a smaller house where they would have sleep on the sofa?
Have you considered that maybe they think your visits are a sort of 'free' vacation where you can get away but don't have to pay for a hotel or eating out or clean up after yourself? Maybe they think visiting you, with your kids, would mean you have to do more work to host them?
Do they live in a more interesting area where there are things to do than where you live? Can they afford to travel?
If they visit you, are they just stuck with you all the time or is there other family they can see also?
I'm not saying these are reasonable arguments, I'm just trying to see the other side of it. Maybe they are just leeches who want you to do all the work/spend all the money....or maybe it seems logical to them. Either way, they aren't forcing you to do anything, you are choosing to. If you don't want to, then don't. It's that simple.
I am just going to repeat what people have told me in my life, and that is, "You can't control what other people do; you can only control what YOU do."
If you want to visit, visit; and if you don't, don't -- but don't expect them to visit you.
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Since then we've made numerous trips to those in California and Ohio. Only my two sons and their families from Ohio and my wife's two daughters and family from California have been to visit, once each, and we paid for the latter two here and back. Everyone seems to be under the presumption that we will do and bear the costs of visits. They presume wrong.
