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I'm putting this in Non-Romantic because, well, this relationship I'm in is the antithesis of romantic and this involves employment and moving and kids so it's a mess.
I'll spare you the details of my relationship. I just posted a thread in Psychology that might explain things if you're interested. But it's over.
Geographics: I relocated from the Midsouth to CT to be with him (I'm female). He's self employed and his work was dwindling but he was okay in his trailer he refurbed and was selling. Got a job offer in 8 mo to go to Hawaii. We sold everything to fund the move and stayed a year. Had fun. Got a job offer in Atlanta, stayed a year and a half. Love Atlanta. Got a job offer back in CT and that's where we are now. (Every job has been a step up or a career move, same organization.)
His business has resumed - self employed. He's worked and contributed fairly in all the places we've relocated. I made more so I paid more. He will make it an issue but I know I can prove that my contributions far exceeded his. I won't make it an issue unless he does.
I'm in Clinton CT. I bought a house (in my name only) that he's renovating. (3 small BR, one bath) We're close to being finished with renovations. (he does fantastic work - it's amazing) I work in Groton. (his kids are in Stratford so this was a halfway point) I commute about 32 miles to work. I love my job but there's no upward mobility and I'm about 6yrs away from retiring.
I've got two potential job offers, one in the Niagra Falls area (gorgeous up there and I would have to sell the house) and one in NYC (exciting). He encouraged me to go for the NYC job - it's better money Both would be a step up the ladder. I consider both jobs to be equal career-wise. A year at either one would open doors to another step up. I could commute in to NYC, work a few days, staying at a rented room, then come back to my house and telework (permitted).
My son (23) is staying at our house (he's been here a few months) while he completes an apprenticeship program and pays off some legal fines. All is well. He stays in the guest room and we rarely see him. We give him a ride to work but that's 3 miles away, he has a bike and can bike or walk to work if need be. He does anything I ask him to do to help me around the house.
His daughter (20) needed a place to stay for 6 weeks until she could enter a group facility that would help her get her life on track. (long story with this one) I agreed to 6 wks only because she's in therapy now and seems to be making some progress (finally). I found out last night there is no facility and she plans to just live here. Um...no. That's when it all came to a head. The relationship was already deteriorated and that just blew it to bits.
I always like "if you don't know what to do - do nothing". And that's where I am. I went to sleep last night seething and woke up with clarity about the daughter situation. I agreed to 6wks and that's all I can do. Since I can never finish a thought with him I had to write it down to fully communicate. He has to wake up and read it. Hopefully he won't go postal.
Last edited by Miss Blue; 01-16-2017 at 05:23 AM..
Reason: corrected spelling in title
Location: Finally the house is done and we are in Port St. Lucie!
3,487 posts, read 3,338,908 times
Reputation: 9913
This is going to be a tough one. Your son is allowed to stay but his daughter is not. You won't be around a few days a week to monitor whether or not his daughter does sleep there.
Good luck. All that moving around. You are very energetic. I think you can handle whatever happens. Maybe let the daughter stay there the same length of time as your son. You said he is paying off some legal fines, so both offspring are not without fault. Maybe one more than the other.
Anyway, I do have to point out that you seem OK with your son's legal fees (which means he's had legal trouble - does he have a criminal record?). He's only 23 so apparently he sowed some unsettled oats in his not too distant past. And you're OK with him living with you indefinitely.
But not your SO's daughter. That's interesting.
I don't care whose name the house is in. I don't care who has contributed more financially over the years. You are still with your SO and you're both in this together.
And both of you have adult kids with issues.
I'm not OK with the daughter lying about the facility. That's not kosher. How did you find out she wasn't telling the truth? How did you find out that she plans to live with you and her dad indefinitely? What sort of therapy is she in?
There are way too many gaps in this story for me to reach any sort of conclusion on anything.
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