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Interesting thread. I was friendly with my neighbors , directly across the fence, and they back. Then my husband died and BAM those neighbors no longer speak to me. I was in total shock and have no idea why they turned on me like they did. I did go on a paid vacation with two other widows and those neighbors were ticked I dared to do so 6 weeks after hubby died. He had been sick with cancer four years. I had not been away from home over night in 10 years except the nights I spent in the hospital with him. I did not have to pay a cent for the condo on the beach or transportation to and from. It was a gift to me. Why not go. It was good for me to be with others that understood the grief I was having.
I have three other neighbor families I am friendly with but not in their back pockets. If one of them needed help I would do so and they would help me if they could. We do not socialize other then to speak in passing one another when walking.
Now I am alone here I feel a little safer knowing I have good neighbors. Not so much the ones that will not speak to me. One out of four not to bad.
^^Is this a PNW thing? I'm asking because one of the previous owners of our house was a widow...she & her husband bought the house, & after he died, not one of the "men" in the neighborhood offered to help with mowing, which just involves riding a mower...we are talking less than 2 acres, not a farm...but it was too much for her alone, so she eventually moved. I am sure she was lonely as well. When my husband was recovering from surgery this winter & wheelchair-bound for 4 months, we know that all the immediate neighbors were aware, but not one person dropped by or called, even though we had extreme weather for the area.
Early into our move here, I took the mail, which had been misdelivered to my house, to its appropriate owner. I asked, since everyone around, (except for us), was retired & not working, if neighbors knew each other & was told "this is not a coffee klatch neighborhood". I had never heard that expression, had to google it. Conversely, we learned that she is a gossip, so much that we nicknamed her "the mayor".
We were told that the younger man who owned this house prior to us, just came home from work, went inside & closed the door. Now I guess I know why.
Last edited by MarciaMarshaMarcia; 05-24-2017 at 07:43 PM..
Interesting thread. I was friendly with my neighbors , directly across the fence, and they back. Then my husband died and BAM those neighbors no longer speak to me. I was in total shock and have no idea why they turned on me like they did. I did go on a paid vacation with two other widows and those neighbors were ticked I dared to do so 6 weeks after hubby died. He had been sick with cancer four years. I had not been away from home over night in 10 years except the nights I spent in the hospital with him. I did not have to pay a cent for the condo on the beach or transportation to and from. It was a gift to me. Why not go. It was good for me to be with others that understood the grief I was having.
I have three other neighbor families I am friendly with but not in their back pockets. If one of them needed help I would do so and they would help me if they could. We do not socialize other then to speak in passing one another when walking.
Now I am alone here I feel a little safer knowing I have good neighbors. Not so much the ones that will not speak to me. One out of four not to bad.
Sorry for the loss of your husband. My guess would be(and I think it's really a shame) that they figured you might need help and didn't want to get involved.
I wonder don't these people ever think that the shoe could be on the other foot, someday they will be in this position, karma will get them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarciaMarshaMarcia
^^Is this a PNW thing? I'm asking because one of the previous owners of our house was a widow...she & her husband bought the house, & after he died, not one of the "men" in the neighborhood offered to help with mowing, which just involves riding a mower...we are talking less than 2 acres, not a farm...but it was too much for her alone, so she eventually moved. I am sure she was lonely as well. When my husband was recovering from surgery this winter & wheelchair-bound for 4 months, we know that all the immediate neighbors were aware, but not one person dropped by or called, even though we had extreme weather for the area.
Early into our move here, I took the mail, which had been misdelivered to my house, to its appropriate owner. I asked, since everyone around, (except for us), was retired & not working, if neighbors knew each other & was told "this is not a coffee klatch neighborhood". I had never heard that expression, had to google it. Conversely, we learned that she is a gossip, so much that we nicknamed her "the mayor".
We were told that the younger man who owned the house prior to us, just came home from work, went inside & closed the door. Now I guess I know why.
LOL...probably. You and I have chatted before about the PNW. I lived up there for a couple of years before returning to CA. If I didn't wave first to the people across the street there would be no wave.
That neighbor was telling you "we're not going to be friends" with the coffee comment.
this is the first house we've ever owned. the neighbors are all older who've lived there for decades. my husband and i are pretty friendly and outgoing. we've gotten to know most everyone. what surprises me is that none of these neighbors seem to talk to each other at all. one family after living there for 25 years moved last weekend. we went over to bring some dessert and say goodbye and they said we were the only one to do so! i was kinda shocked! these people have lived in the same neighborhood for decades, their kids were friends when young and grew up together. but there's no friendships or relationships. is that common?
It probably varies a lot from state to state and the type of neighborhood. I moved into a little old house in a little old neighborhood in a little old town in rural Arizona about 20 years ago, and things were pretty much as you describe in terms of everyone around us having lived in their homes for decades. (My house is 70 years old, and I am the second owner.) Everyone knew everyone else (they were mostly active or retired railroaders) and we were the new kids on the block. Twenty years later, many of the old-timers have died and several of the homes have changed hands more than once, but things are pretty much the same. I have emergency keys to two of my neighbors' homes, and they have keys to mine. The old fart next door, who died two years ago, literally became the "father I never had" and said he thought God had sent us into his life. We don't visit extensively with everyone, but we do wave and chat over the fence, take each other vegetables and cookies, and have a pretty good idea of what's going on in most peoples' lives. This is true even though our educational levels, economic circumstances and ethnicities are all over the map. One couple absolutely despises me because I'm a lawyer - the husband actually threatened to beat me to a pulp, forcing me to remind him that's not a wise thing to do to a lawyer - but my wife is perfectly friendly even with them!
"Cold and distant" and "living in fear" probably is the culture in most of America, but I tend to believe that what I describe in the above paragraph is why my humble and downtrodden little town is so stable. Because most neighborhoods are like what I'm describing, people have no compelling desire to leave. 20 years ago, I didn't expect to live here more than a year or two, and most of my friends are completely befuddled as to why I would choose to live in this dump when I could live pretty much anywhere - but at least a couple of them "get it" and have looked at homes here.
We are active in the neighborhood recreation group, BBQs, holiday parties. But we don't really hang out and have them for best friends. I think this works good, it's been more than ten years and it's going good.
I speak and talk to the people on both side of me, and three different neighbors across the street from me. We don't talk everyday, but once a week I find myself having a short conversation with at least one in this group. But, we always speak when we see each other coming and going. I have some pretty nice neighbors for the most part. However, I do have neighbors that I don't talk or even speak to. They are all not so friendly and just don't want to be bothered with, but they mind their own business though, so that's fine by me.
^^Is this a PNW thing? I'm asking because one of the previous owners of our house was a widow...she & her husband bought the house, & after he died, not one of the "men" in the neighborhood offered to help with mowing, which just involves riding a mower...we are talking less than 2 acres, not a farm...but it was too much for her alone, so she eventually moved. I am sure she was lonely as well. When my husband was recovering from surgery this winter & wheelchair-bound for 4 months, we know that all the immediate neighbors were aware, but not one person dropped by or called, even though we had extreme weather for the area.
Early into our move here, I took the mail, which had been misdelivered to my house, to its appropriate owner. I asked, since everyone around, (except for us), was retired & not working, if neighbors knew each other & was told "this is not a coffee klatch neighborhood". I had never heard that expression, had to google it. Conversely, we learned that she is a gossip, so much that we nicknamed her "the mayor".
We were told that the younger man who owned this house prior to us, just came home from work, went inside & closed the door. Now I guess I know why.
MarciaMarshaMarcia. WOW. I am not sure I am considered PNW. I am on the edge of the Idaho border almost to Oregon. BUT these no longer speaking neighbors are from the PNW and new to the hood so to speak. They owned the place for three years or so but just moved over here last summer. Very interesting. Over the three years they owned the place they would come over and she and I always visited. She built a fence between us but put a gate in it so she could visit. Later after my hubby died they locked the gate. Fine with me I was not a big fan of the gate. I was always afraid they would let me dog out. Funny thing is I had company from Canada a couple weeks ago and she would stand on the other side of her fence and watch us sitting at my new patio area. She built the fence for privacy but she does not respect mine. We could see her standing there through the fence. She knows I am very self sufficient and capable of doing most everything. Many things a woman my age, almost 68, should not be doing. Like putting the snow plow on the Ranger and off again and all the building I have done and heavy lifting moving my kitty kennel and dog house shelter, building fence and laying pavers for a new patio and on and on and on. I am the worker bee always have been.
We also had a brutal winter and I did it all by myself except after one day shoveling and dragging snow off my roofs for over 9 hours I strained ribs and could not even take a deep breath. Then we had another 14 inches of snow and I paid to have my driveway plowed the one time. I paid one time to have a guy shovel off the top of my garage roof. I am terrified of heights and have vertigo. I can not get up on a roof. BUT I was standing on the snow at the edge of the roof dragging more snow off as he shoveled it down to me. There is a carport attached to the garage and it makes for a long run for the snow to slide. BUT these same people went over next door to another neighbor who was out of town and shoveled her roof off. There is three of them. Him her and their 20 year old grandson. I never asked for help and actually was surprised no one offered until after the storms were over. One guy gave me his phone number and that was really nice of him.
I have a riding mower and it would not start after winter so I had to talk to the mower guy and he suggested a few things and I did them as he said and it worked again. PHEW I am NOT a mechanic.
I am not really as lonely as I thought I would be. I miss hubby and the life we had but we had a great 31 years. Lots of good memories to look back on. Now I sleep in when I want to eat when I want to and just do whatever I want to do which is usually work around here. I am trying to make next winter be easier on me. Also doing some crazy fun things that bring me joy. Sitting out here right now enjoying the evening.
I am all about color. WWEEEEEEE. Well I guess i can not add a photo here??
Link to it. https://www.flickr.com/photos/501856...posted-public/
Thanks seain dublin. I never thought of that happening to them. Yes Karma works in mysterious ways. These neighbors did show some concern one night in January at 7PM showing up at my front door because they had not seen my house lights on for 4 days. Well DOH the snow off the roofs was covering my windows up to the eaves. I had lights in on the house. I let them in and thanked them for their concern but I think they were more being nosy than having concern for me. I just try to not pay any attention to them now. Not being mean I just do not need their drama.
Last edited by shades_of_idaho; 05-24-2017 at 08:25 PM..
Reason: Adding photo
Interesting thread. I was friendly with my neighbors , directly across the fence, and they back. Then my husband died and BAM those neighbors no longer speak to me. I was in total shock and have no idea why they turned on me like they did. I did go on a paid vacation with two other widows and those neighbors were ticked I dared to do so 6 weeks after hubby died. He had been sick with cancer four years. I had not been away from home over night in 10 years except the nights I spent in the hospital with him. I did not have to pay a cent for the condo on the beach or transportation to and from. It was a gift to me. Why not go. It was good for me to be with others that understood the grief I was having.
I have three other neighbor families I am friendly with but not in their back pockets. If one of them needed help I would do so and they would help me if they could. We do not socialize other then to speak in passing one another when walking.
Now I am alone here I feel a little safer knowing I have good neighbors. Not so much the ones that will not speak to me. One out of four not to bad.
Sometimes when part of a couple dies, friends stay away for stupid reasons like they are afraid you will try to snag their spouses. My mother was still beautiful at 74 when my stepfather died. She looked 20 years younger than all their friends but she never flirted or anything like that after she was widowed but she was invited to less and less get togethers. Then there are the couples who see what happened to you and don't want the daily reminder of their own mortality.
^^Is this a PNW thing? I'm asking because one of the previous owners of our house was a widow...she & her husband bought the house, & after he died, not one of the "men" in the neighborhood offered to help with mowing, which just involves riding a mower...we are talking less than 2 acres, not a farm...but it was too much for her alone, so she eventually moved. I am sure she was lonely as well. When my husband was recovering from surgery this winter & wheelchair-bound for 4 months, we know that all the immediate neighbors were aware, but not one person dropped by or called, even though we had extreme weather for the area.
Early into our move here, I took the mail, which had been misdelivered to my house, to its appropriate owner. I asked, since everyone around, (except for us), was retired & not working, if neighbors knew each other & was told "this is not a coffee klatch neighborhood". I had never heard that expression, had to google it. Conversely, we learned that she is a gossip, so much that we nicknamed her "the mayor".
We were told that the younger man who owned this house prior to us, just came home from work, went inside & closed the door. Now I guess I know why.
My husband had a heart attack while mowing the yard in 1987. Our children were 2 years old and 6 weeks old. This was in Florida where the grass grows very quickly in the summer. Not one of my neighbors, all with riding lawnmowers, offered to mow the grass although they all saw the ambulance and knew what happened. Do you know who did come over with a push mower and cut the grass? The 80 year old two houses down! Maybe it's a generational thing? Older people are more friendly with their neighbors? Have you guys found that to be true or not?
Waving a greeting and a small bit of chit-chat is fine with neighbors. So is bringing new-comer's something to welcome them to the neighborhood. Ditto if they are moving away.
Other than that, DON'T GET TOO CHUMMY.
If things go sour over anything, you are stuck with being ignored or ignoring them, ignorant comments thrown back and forth, your kids don't get treated nicely, they throw the snow into your yard... or worse yet, dog poop, etc.
I could go on and on why you shouldn't get chummy with neighbors.
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