Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I'm sure I did come off judgmental in my post. It's one thing I have to work on (see, I'm open to critique ), but I look at things this way. If it's something I'd tell my son, I don't mind telling someone else. Not in a talking-down-to-them kind of way, but in a rough-and-tough-love kind of way. The way I talk to my son sometimes is uncompromising, because I want him to be the kind of man who has a rhyme and reason for the choices he makes, even if I don't agree with them. I don't want him to be someone who develops traits that then become habits that then form his character just because nobody ever checked him on it. That's how you get people who always seem to struggle to make ends meet, struggle to have good friendships and relationships with women, struggle to keep jobs, etc. Because they do things not out of necessity or pragmatism, but habit.
So some of that tough love rolls into my conversation with other people in my life. But it's still love, y'know?
But your friend isn't your son. And many people would not like to be treated like this. I sure wouldn't and we would have words. You do sound like you're talking down to your friend and many people on this thread.
Just because YOU don't mind telling your son something, doesn't mean every else is like this. There's literally only one of you on the planet. Everything isn't about you.
Exactly! How can a person claim to be a friend, but impose rules about how they should live their life?
That's what controlling people do. Sometimes they have innocent-sounding explanations for their behavior -- "I'm a Southerner, that's just how we are" or "I want to see you find love, so I'm just telling you you have to change this" -- but it all comes down to control. And control stems from feelings of insecurity.
Op, you're judgmental in your post, and I'm sure you express your judgement to your friend on his decisions, behavior, etc.
Some people don't want to hear all of that, which causes them to shut down. So they only tell you what they want you to know.
You say you dole out tough love and can be overbearing. Your friend is an adult. You're not his daddy. What makes you think you know what's best for him better than him? I wouldn't let my friends talk to me like I'm a child.
So what if he hasn't had a serious relationship? That's his prerogative. Your job as his friend is to be supportive of his decisions. Maybe he has had a serious relationship but hasn't told you. Maybe his errand was to meet his girlfriend but he didn't want to tell you because you would come across as judgemental.
He may have other friends he feels more comfortable around where he does open up to them. Maybe you're the friend he hangs out with and drinks beers with and that's it. Not the one he opens up to. You guys met when he was around 30? He may have friends who he's known longer and that he's closer with.
Last edited by jaynaydee; 07-02-2017 at 08:16 PM..
That's what controlling people do. Sometimes they have innocent-sounding explanations for their behavior -- "I'm a Southerner, that's just how we are" or "I want to see you find love, so I'm just telling you you have to change this" -- but it all comes down to control.
Control, over bearing, nagging, all the same. Telling someone to change something is NOT being a friend. That's a control freak.
Control, over bearing, nagging, all the same. Telling someone to change something is NOT being a friend. That's a control freak.
Yea what's that dominate personality and weaker personality theory? Too lazy to google it, but that's what it sounds like what is going on here. Op said his friend still acts shy like he did in high school.
Wow. That is really presumptuous of you, OP, to think you know what's best for your friend.
He obviously doesn't *want* to be close to you. It's not hard to imagine why. You say you're big-hearted, I say you're overbearing.
He's not you. I can't think of a simpler way to say that.
^^^^^this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ss20ts
Exactly! How can a person claim to be a friend, but impose rules about how they should live their life?
Only a major control freak thinks they can.
OP you just did it again, this is what you said But I look at it this way: if I had a friend and there was something I was doing that was kind of BS, I'd want them to call me out on it if I was treating them as less of a friend. It's not about living by my rules.
Do you read back what you write? It is totally about living by your rules. Who are you to say what is BS? You're not paying his bills, that's just too bad that you find it secretive and annoying. You either accept it and don't bring it up, or you go less contact or no contact.
The only other human beings you have control over are your minor children.
FYI, this kind of behavior will have people distance themselves from you.
Wow. That is really presumptuous of you, OP, to think you know what's best for your friend.
He obviously doesn't *want* to be close to you. It's not hard to imagine why. You say you're big-hearted, I say you're overbearing.
He's not you. I can't think of a simpler way to say that.
I'm not over-bearing. Like I said, at best, when he acts like he's conducting Top Secret government business when he's just going to the store for milk, I just shrug it off or make some wiseass comment, we laugh, and move on. I'm bringing it up here now because I did mention it to him on a more serious note, but that's because it's a little weird to be that dodgy over little things.
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnOrdinaryCitizen
Yes, I believe you have a good heart.
However, you need to know there are three types of people: introvert, extrovert and another in between. The characters of the first two types are quite opposite. And you cannot say this type is better than that type.
You cannot change others. You can only change yourself. If you want your friendship lasts, you help whatever you can and learn to listen more. If he wants to keep an arm length, give him room. You can think of the things like you say in the last paragraph of your first post, but many others may not think so.
True enough. I'm not going to stop being friends with the guy because of this one trait, but I wouldn't be a friend (or...me) if I didn't say anything about it, either.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ss20ts
Teasing you back could be his way of coping with your teasing. He probably doesn't like it or enjoy it. You don't respect his privacy. If you did you wouldn't have started a thread complaining about him. There's no point in calling someone out for wanting their privacy. It's their privacy. Not yours.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ss20ts
Exactly! How can a person claim to be a friend, but impose rules about how they should live their life?
Quote:
Originally Posted by ss20ts
Who needs that kind of detail about what someone else ate?
Quote:
Originally Posted by ss20ts
But your friend isn't your son. And many people would not like to be treated like this. I sure wouldn't and we would have words. You do sound like you're talking down to your friend and many people on this thread.
Just because YOU don't mind telling your son something, doesn't mean every else is like this. There's literally only one of you on the planet. Everything isn't about you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ss20ts
Control, over bearing, nagging, all the same. Telling someone to change something is NOT being a friend. That's a control freak.
Wow, you seem to have some energy about what I've said. Did this strike a nerve with you or something? I don't mind being called out for being kind of an a-hole -- I deserve it to some extent -- but some of these statements are a bit...breathless. "Teasing you back could be his way of coping with your teasing". "How can a person claim to be a friend, but impose rules about they should live their life?" "Everything isn't about you". LOL, okay? Relax.
First of all, if you're friends with someone, you should be able to have this kind of conversation with them without hysterical accusations that you're being a control freak who's just trying to run their life. Your friends aren't there just to prop you up in every situation, especially if something you're doing personally rubs them the wrong way. I get what you and several others have said about respecting his space and all, but if you're doing something that is kind of irksome to people you consider friends, wouldn't you maybe want them to talk to you about it? Or would you just rather get defensive and nix them from your life the second they call you out? To be honest, that's one of the issues I've read alcoholics have when they finally kick the habit. They had people who tried to help them, who didn't just mind their business, and who they pushed away because those people didn't accept them for who they were. It's not until they get sober that they realize those people were their true friends and were just trying to do the right thing by them, even if that meant mildly violating that person's space or whatever.
Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat
That's what controlling people do. Sometimes they have innocent-sounding explanations for their behavior -- "I'm a Southerner, that's just how we are" or "I want to see you find love, so I'm just telling you you have to change this" -- but it all comes down to control. And control stems from feelings of insecurity.
Or it stems from genuine concern and instead of feeling threatened that someone might tell you something you may not want to hear about yourself, maybe consider for a split second that they have a point and you might be better off if you listened to them. I'm talking about a grown man here. Literally speaking, I can't make him do anything. But I think my point here is valid to some extent, and it might be better coming from someone who actually does like him than someone who just writes him off as being a detached douchebag.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jaynaydee
Op, you're judgmental in your post, and I'm sure you express your judgement to your friend on his decisions, behavior, etc.
Some people don't want to hear all of that, which causes them to shut down. So they only tell you what they want you to know.
You say you dole out tough love and can be overbearing. Your friend is an adult. You're not his daddy. What makes you think you know what's best for him better than him? I wouldn't let my friends talk to me like I'm a child.
So what if he hasn't had a serious relationship? That's his prerogative. Your job as his friend is to be supportive of his decisions. Maybe he has had a serious relationship but hasn't told you. Maybe his errand was to meet his girlfriend but he didn't want to tell you because you would come across as judgemental.
He may have other friends he feels more comfortable around where he does open up to them. Maybe you're the friend he hangs out with and drinks beers with and that's it. Not the one he opens up to. You guys met when he was around 30? He may have friends who he's known longer and that he's closer with.
That would be surprising if true, but it is possible. Still, though. What does that say about him, or anybody, if you have one friend or group of friends you don't mind telling if you have an errand, and another you're tight-lipped and give vacant answers to? That wouldn't say much for him, and I'd give him the benefit of the doubt that he isn't that type of person. Though I couldn't guarantee it, I doubt he thinks I'd be judgmental of him having a girlfriend. Shoot, I've offered to introduce him to some women. He wasn't interested. I don't bust his chops like that.
And let me be very clear about why I brought up my son. A lot of people are saying I come off judgmental about my friend, and that might be true to an extent, but I wouldn't tell my son something with the manifest intent on being judgmental or putting him down because it doesn't align with my preference. I know people sometimes come up with creative excuses for their own BS, and I can't say I have a lot of patience for that (not because of my particular preference, but it's insulting to my intelligence), but if you're just one kind of way, it is what it is.
Since I've known the guy for so long, my hunch is he doesn't have any real reason to be like that with me other than that's kind of how he is with everyone and it's just a habit that's formed over time. Maybe it started with being a shy kid and not wanting attention and it manifested into being a detached adult who keeps people at arm's length.
Now if he's this open book with other people and it's just the fact that it's me that he shuts down, I'd love to hear that too. I'm a big boy, I can take it. But my guess is, because we have other friends in common, he's just that way, most people either don't notice, don't care, or write him off, and I'm one of the few guys he knows that will call him on it.
I know that does wonders for the perception that I'm an a-hole, but there ya go!
OP you just did it again, this is what you said But I look at it this way: if I had a friend and there was something I was doing that was kind of BS, I'd want them to call me out on it if I was treating them as less of a friend. It's not about living by my rules.
Do you read back what you write? It is totally about living by your rules. Who are you to say what is BS? You're not paying his bills, that's just too bad that you find it secretive and annoying. You either accept it and don't bring it up, or you go less contact or no contact.
The only other human beings you have control over are your minor children.
FYI, this kind of behavior will have people distance themselves from you.
"Who are you to say what is BS? You're not paying his bills..." Dude, relax. I'm saying I wouldn't take massive offense to someone I consider a friend calling me out on something they think isn't right. I'm not saying I'd necessarily change it, but I would consider what they saying given they're someone who knows me and not just some stranger. I'd at least take inventory, so to speak. Saying I should accept it or stop being friends with him is a bit sensitive. What you're saying is also the truth, but I'd rather give someone a chance to consider how they're perceived than just insist on that perception and end the friendship. I'd want that same consideration from a friend. In a way, my way is less judgmental than yours.
OP, the more you argue with everyone on here trying to prove that you are right in judging your friend and think he is supposed to be like whatever you think he should be, and he supposed to do this to do that, the more people see you are an annoying, nosy and controlling type. Nobody wants a friend like that.
I'm with your friend. I hate nosy people. If someone tried to pry into my personal business & got pushy about this, I'd tell them to f$#% off & wouldn't speak to them again. I have actually broken off friendships for exactly this reason.
You don't like it? Tough. A person has the right to their privacy.
Last edited by The Big Lebowski Dude; 07-02-2017 at 10:29 PM..
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
), but I look at things this way. If it's something I'd tell my son, I don't mind telling someone else. Not in a talking-down-to-them kind of way, but in a rough-and-tough-love kind of way. The way I talk to my son sometimes is uncompromising, because I want him to be the kind of man who has a rhyme and reason for the choices he makes, even if I don't agree with them. I don't want him to be someone who develops traits that then become habits that then form his character just because nobody ever checked him on it. That's how you get people who always seem to struggle to make ends meet, struggle to have good friendships and relationships with women, struggle to keep jobs, etc. Because they do things not out of necessity or pragmatism, but habit. 
