People who keep everyone (including friends) at arm's length (gossip, introvert, messages)
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I've known people like that. They compartmentalize things in their life so they tightly control who gets what information about them on any given topic. It's a control mechanism and it's about what's going on inside of them emotionally, and not necessarily a reflection on the friend. Some people are just wired very tightly and stay in self-protection mode. You're not going to change anyone, so if it's something that bothers you and you can't hang with the person, then find friendships where you can be on a more even-footed, intimate level.
After ten years of friendship, I'd just be like, "Oh, that's just Joe", and leave it alone. He just might not like answering to people, hence his being single, so even mundane questions feel intrusive to him.
I just got into a slightly elevated (wouldn't call it a fight) with a friend of mine. He's one of those people who are kind of secretive, almost out of habit at this point, for basically no reason. He's one of those guys who, if ask him where he's going, he'll be like, "I just have an errand to run". It's not like he's going to the drug store for Preparation H and he doesn't want to share, it'll be something simple like going to wash his truck. Here's the thing: I've known and been friends with this guy for well over ten years and he's always been detached and secretive like that. I've teased him about it, because that's what I do , but today I kinda called him out on it because he was doing that same thing for no reason.
He says I'm being weird and he's just a private person. Part of it is I'm a big-hearted person (I'm a Southerner and a Leo), so I care about the people I care about, if that makes sense. And I understand being a private person (well, sort of), but this is habitually keeping people at arm's length for basically no reason. Even if someone asks a semi-private question, they probably don't care in the sense that they can't go on with their day unless they know your every innermost secret.
I basically told him he's getting too old for that stuff. He's almost forty, hasn't seriously dated anybody in the time I've known him, and he still acts like the shy kid in school who the teacher asks to go up to the chalkboard and work out a math problem. Most people in the world don't give a hoot about you, and the people who do aren't out to get you. If you keep people at arm's length, don't be surprised when you look around and don't have anybody. You have to be the kind of person who lets people care about you or you're going to be the person nobody cares about. And you'll have all the privacy in the world because nobody's interested.
Everything happens for a reason; and everybody is different.
You said you've known him for over ten years, and he's almost forty. So I guess you started to get to know him when he was about mid or late 20. You don't know what happened in his early life.
Somebody has thick skin; some, thin. Some body is very sensitive; some, opposite. With the sensitive people, if they feel or get hurt by someone even only once, they can withdraw, and they learn a lesson for life and don't want to be too near anyone anymore. They don't want to be hurt again.
You sound very judgmental in your last paragraph.
Some one who likes to talk a lot and thinks s/he is sharing everything with others thinks that's good, and wants or thinks other people need to be like her/him. On the other hand, someone else may think that person is annoying and nosy. And there are people who like/appreciate people who don't talk too much and don't ask them too many questions.
You just have to understand that everyone is different. You cannot expect others to be like you, as you don't want someone expects you to be like him or her. Accept people for who they are, and so you can have long lasting friendships with others. If you think someone should be like you or like this and that person, you are unreasonable and like a narcissist.
It's nice to have good friend(s) and long lasting friendship. But if not, it's better to be without an annoying, nosy, narcissistic "friend". Anyway, most of the things and people don't last forever. You just have to accept it and move on. I learned it from this touching Life on the Train youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7EjTIxEBYac
That's strange. There's no reeling in as they typically don't want you that close. Very anti-narcissistic, actually, if you know what narcissism is.
Idk about NPD but I do know that people who act like they don't want attention actually behave in a manner that brings tons of attention.
Just look at the situation op presented. The person could have said I'm going to wash my car. Instead, he's evasive and the op gives him more attention. That's why I think a lot of these so called private people are actually manipulative attention seekers. I know people who never want to go to anything despite how it makes others feel. Then the event becomes about them. The mature loner knows to just go to the wedding for an hour or say I'm going to the car wash. The psycho behaves like he's in the cia.
Well, he feels he has a right to keep things private and that's what matters. There is a reason....its how he chooses to be. Don't be judgmental stating he has "no reason". Everyone shares their personal life to a different degree. You can't force him to be anything but himself and you certainly can't expect him to behave just like you do with others. It doesn't seem as if he's trying to hide something illegal or immoral right? He doesn't seem to complain that he doesn't have a relationship does he? He's not an axe murderer or a masked superhero in his spare time is he? What's the problem?
IMHO if someone kept teasing me and then told me that I was "getting to old for that stuff" in this manner I would be very offended and hurt. And probably end up being even more private after such comments from a friend like you.
Well, I'm not judging him when I say he has no reason. I mean, unless there's something serious going on, there really is no reason other than habit. Being withdrawn might start with a reason -- not a permanent reason, but something that causes you to be that way -- but over time it just becomes who you are. Personality traits that aren't conducive to strong relationships (romantic or otherwise) don't necessarily go away over time. They go away once you're made to confront it. That's why I called him out on it. He knows me, so he knows if I'm bringing it up, it's not just judgment made to make him feel bad.
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Originally Posted by the minx
I am like that. I'm also a southerner and a Leo.
About 10 years ago, a friend of mine also told me that she felt like she knew nothing about me despite being friends for 14 years. I asked her what difference it would make and she didn't have an answer.
What difference would it make to you if he told you he was going to wash his car instead of saying he was just running an errand?
I was just giving an example off the top of my head to illustrate my point. You're not doing anything of note, it's not like I'm bugged and sending the CIA your coordinates, and we're just talking...why are you being dodgy and secretive about nothing? I'll admit that I can't relate in terms of personality, because I am more outgoing and extroverted and pretty much an open book. I get he's not that way, but at a certain point it's more of a flaw than a quirk.
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Originally Posted by katie45
I agree. There are reasons why one chooses to not reveal a lot of information about themselves; and instead of others taking it personal, perhaps being respectful is the better option.
There may be things in their past that are painful for them and they choose not to talk abut it - and in some instances, if they reveal some of their 'life', people want to know more and more and don't let up.
The OP also mentioned about a friend not being specific about 'running errands'. . .one doesn't have to reveal everything they're about to do.
Please give me this list of reasons you would have to be secretive with someone you've known for 10+ years. I don't mean keeping some things to yourself -- everybody does that -- but in general being this detached sort of person even with people you consider friends.
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Originally Posted by seain dublin
Well said. Just because some people feel the need to post on FB every time they go to lunch with pictures doesn't mean everyone does, and smart people know enough to realize no one really cares what you had for lunch.
And OP stop with the "Southern" stuff, you're just being nosy.
I really don't give it a second thought if someone said "they have to go run an errand". Why should you care?
Are you also the type that if someone gets a phone call when you're with them asks "who was that?", if somone wants to let you know specific details they will tell you.
Hey, Southern men are known for being big-hearted. Strong and silent (sometimes), but we care about our people. If I consider someone a friend, I don't affect this sterile, detached stance with them. I'm not nosy; I don't need every detail of any of my friend's lives. I've got a son, a full-time job, a house, and hopefully soon a lady friend. I've got other things to do besides pry. But if we're having a conversation and you're talking to me like I'm your boss or Customer Service at your cell phone provider, what can I say? It kinda ticks me off.
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Originally Posted by matisse12
Being secretive about mundane inconsequential things can be taken as being insulting. It can be interpreted as not wanting to be much of a friend - by friends.
Exactly!
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Originally Posted by ss20ts
So you give him a hard time instead of respecting his privacy? Who cares if you're a big hearted person? He's not YOU! Everything isn't about YOU. And you wonder why he doesn't share with you....Maybe stop acting like someone in high school and cut the teasing. It's kind of amazing he's been your "friend" for 10 years if this is how you treat him.
I actually think he likes that I tease him. He jokes back at me, so it's mutual combat. But I kind of called him out on it for real this time. If I were the type to not respect his privacy, we wouldn't have been friends for over ten years. I respect his privacy. But when "your privacy" consists of "mundane errand running", give me a break.
Idk about NPD but I do know that people who act like they don't want attention actually behave in a manner that brings tons of attention.
Just look at the situation op presented. The person could have said I'm going to wash my car. Instead, he's evasive and the op gives him more attention. That's why I think a lot of these so called private people are actually manipulative attention seekers. I know people who never want to go to anything despite how it makes others feel. Then the event becomes about them. The mature loner knows to just go to the wedding for an hour or say I'm going to the car wash. The psycho behaves like he's in the cia.
Again, this is a weird assessment. Unless you are one of these people, you have no idea why they prefer to be private.
It amazes me the psychological armchair quarterbacking that goes on any time someone's personality doesn't mesh 100% with another person's.
The OP appears to be open and casually reveals when they're going to (examples) wash their car or run to the bakery, etc.
The friend of the OP says he has an errand instead. It's true, apparently, and unless he's skulking around and acting shifty, a perfectly normal response to a question.
Maybe... just maybe... they have different personalities. How on Earth does a different type of personality turn into a disorder or deep-seated evil or something from their childhood or some type of con artist plot?
Does everyone really have friends only that are just like themselves? That is so weird to me.
OP this is what you just said Personality traits that aren't conducive to strong relationships (romantic or otherwise) don't necessarily go away over time. They go away once you're made to confront it. That's why I called him out on it. He knows me, so he knows if I'm bringing it up, it's not just judgment made to make him feel bad.
You're making this all about you, and how you think people should act.
If you have been friends with someone for over 10 years, you like them, they like you, they're a decent person but chooses not to into every detail of what is going on in their lives, accept that or don't bother with them.
It amazes me the psychological armchair quarterbacking that goes on any time someone's personality doesn't mesh 100% with another person's.
The OP appears to be open and casually reveals when they're going to (examples) wash their car or run to the bakery, etc.
The friend of the OP says he has an errand instead. It's true, apparently, and unless he's skulking around and acting shifty, a perfectly normal response to a question.
Maybe... just maybe... they have different personalities. How on Earth does a different type of personality turn into a disorder or deep-seated evil or something from their childhood or some type of con artist plot?
Does everyone really have friends only that are just like themselves? That is so weird to me.
No kidding.
He didn't specify his errand so he's "skulking" around? Seriously.
If he had said he was washing his car, I'm sure op would wonder why he didn't say where he was going to wash his car. Where does it end?
Idk about NPD but I do know that people who act like they don't want attention actually behave in a manner that brings tons of attention.
Just look at the situation op presented. The person could have said I'm going to wash my car. Instead, he's evasive and the op gives him more attention. That's why I think a lot of these so called private people are actually manipulative attention seekers. I know people who never want to go to anything despite how it makes others feel. Then the event becomes about them. The mature loner knows to just go to the wedding for an hour or say I'm going to the car wash. The psycho behaves like he's in the cia.
Ha! I just made a CIA reference in my last post. But you're right. What you fear, you create. Being forthcoming in a small way actually invites less attention than being cagey. If someone were to ask me a question like that, I'd tell them what I was doing (probably even if I was going to get Preparation H, but that would be just to gross them out ). But there's a way to strategically avoid attention, and dodging simple questions like that isn't one of them.
It would be like if I told someone me and my son are having "Italian food" instead of "lasagna" for dinner tonight.
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, but today I kinda called him out on it because he was doing that same thing for no reason.
Where does it end?
). But there's a way to strategically avoid attention, and dodging simple questions like that isn't one of them.
