A brother or sister you have not talked to in years is in hospital 500 miles away dying- would you visit? (kiss, narcissistic)

[craigiri]

I think we adults attain an age when we like to make most decisions for ourselves. I try not to do things out of guilt. I look at life now (64+) as mostly "mine" - with some exceptions, of course.

The idea of people living far away is relatively new in many families. I have a older daughter having her first child who lives on the opposite coast. I won't be there (my wife will). When she talked to me about getting preggie (she is middle aged), I told her that I wasn't going to be a big part of the life of her child. That's the reality. My other kids and grandkids are 10 minutes away (one) and 1.5 hours by plane away (the second) - so naturally we see the 10 minute crew quite often and I can say I helped raise here (granddaughter). I changed more of her diapers than I did my own kids!

But the same is not true with my son (plane ride away) and it will be even less true with my middle daughter 3,000 miles away.

Keep in mind that our family does not have any internal fighting. It's just that I am not going to spend a good part of my life traveling coast to coast. Her decision to stay there was/is based on the great climate and lifestyle and so be it. We are all one big happy family with chat, facetime, email and a couple visits (usually her coming here) a year.

So all this "must be at deathbeds or funerals" stuff? It's up to you....or, your hubby, wife or other loved one may ask (force) you to one thing or another. But, still, most of my remaining time on the planet in mine....after raising three kids and working for 35+ years.

[G-fused]

Originally Posted by sunsprit

throughout the thread, there's an assumption that "family ties" are of paramount value/importance to so many people and it's a defect upon the other sibling if they don't exhibit a whole bunch of compassion and "making up" for all those years of separation/detachment from the now dying relative.

But there's another side to this for some of us ... where the dying sibling's behavior(s) and damage to the relationship was the instigation for one to stay away from an otherwise toxic situation that did no good for either party.

I'm just giving you folk a different perspective on how family dynamics may work for some of us in the real world.

Frankly, I wouldn't give a damn at this point if my sis was terminally ill and hospitalized, nor would I even care to know about her circumstances. She can surround herself with all her adoring sycophants and admirers to stroke her ego and hopes.

In the same manner, should I wind up in such dire circumstances of a terminal illness ... I wouldn't want anybody to tell her of my situation. After so many years, I don't want nor need to give or receive any satisfaction/support from this source.

Please, don't come back on here and assault folks in my type of family situation as being inept or missing some "genes" for compassion or whatever else you deem so valuable in life regarding siblings/relatives with similar damaged relationships. It's insulting in view of the extreme duress and hateful behavior foisted upon us by folks who just happen to share our gene pool. Nor is it appropriate to slam us with derogatory labels from you on this open forum ... we've already gotten our fill from the relatives we're now avoiding, thank you. Even if her last dying breath was an apology, it would be meaningless ... as phony as she was in our lifetimes.

I can well relate to the situation of the OP. If his wife's view of her sibling is that it's "not worth it" to revisit old history, then ... it's not worth it. Leave it be, move on with your lives.

You're completely aligning yourself and your situation with the OP's. It's weird. This isn't your thread and isn't your situation, nobody is talking about you.

[katenik]

Originally Posted by Javacoffee

Has the dying sister requested communication or a visit from her sister? If not, leave both of them alone. A visit isn't warranted, nor will it be accepted in the spirit everyone seems to think.

How do you know that? Hearts and minds can change very rapidly when someone is ill or dying.

An example from my own family:

Back in 2004, my aunt and I had a falling out with my dad over something that he did to me in my aunt's presence. My dad and I made up a few months later, but my aunt continued to refuse to have anything to do with him. They had had their own unresolved issues over the years, so the incident involving me was a culmination of events for her, rather than the prime motivator. Once my dad realized that his sister wasn't going to call him, he was too stubborn to make the first overture, so they dropped out of each other's lives completely.

Fast-forward eight years: I am living in another state, and I receive a call from my dad telling me that he is in the hospital, soon to have emergency surgery due to a botched routine medical procedure he underwent earlier that day. I am 1600 miles away and can't get there any sooner than the following day, and the only local family member is his sister who has not spoken to him in eight years and has repeatedly told me that she has no intention of ever doing so again. Nevertheless, I called her and asked if she would go to the hospital to be with him until I arrived-- as a favor to me, because there was no one else I could call. Without the slightest hesitation or objection, she agreed to go. She stayed until he was out of surgery, and called in the middle of night to update me on his condition. She visited him almost daily during the week that he was hospitalized, and I observed the two of them chatting and laughing, completely at ease with one another. If I had not known that they had been estranged for nearly a decade, it would have been hard to believe.

That reunion happened six years ago. I know that they never spoke of the things that had kept them apart; they just opened their hearts to one another in a moment of crisis, and agreed to let the past stay in the past. My dad now lives abroad, and his sister went to visit him last year. (I haven't even done that.)

[ceiligrrl]

i'm not going to judge anyone. your decision is yours. but i would like to exhort a bit of compassion out of the more hard hearted of you.

listen, i had a mother from hell. really. no exaggeration.... ran away from home it was so bad, my dad the cop, along with cops in 20 states, found me.... and he tried to explain why he couldn't divorce her.

well. whatever..... but her vicious, cruel, disgusting behavior never changed, even with me naming my only daughter for her. yeah. go figure, i never gave up on that relationship, until she proclaimed to everyone in the family at a family wedding that I was the worst wife ever, the worst mother and that my children loved her more than they loved me. really mom? really?

that was it, never set foot in new joisey again, not from 1985 to 1993, when i got a phone call in December of 1992.... it was my long suffering dad (even with her on mega doses of Valium, he still was the brunt of her stomping/slamming/ screaming tirades).... "Tex, please come home, your mother was in a car accident, five broken ribs and a few x-rays later, they found lung cancer. please come home."

Look. i wasn't able to, until she was in a wheelchair, unable to walk, to talk, completely bald..... I showed up late in the last week of July of 1993.... figured she was harmless enough now, wouldn't be able to hurt me with that vicious tongue, her vicious lies, the absolute glee she got from inflicting damage.

I spent the last four months of her life hand feeding her, throwing a huge (final) birthday party with a kajillion presents, there is one picture of her and me, and she is holding up one of the presents with such a look of childlike innocence, happiness. I am glad, very fortunate I was able to do that for her..... made sure that last month in the hospital, when all she could eat was ice cream and mashed potatoes, she had mashed potatoes and GRAVY in spades!!!!!!!! I would hand feed her, style wigs and buy some twenty snazzy kerchiefs/tams/ berets because the wigs made her itch.

I wrote a poem about it, the last line was " I carried you into death. You carried me into life. But I was far more gracious and gentle."

yup. we never know, but at the end of someone's life, it should never be about revenge, it was ALL about forgiving her for the beatings, the still pale scars that ride my skin, invade my dreams, inflict my mind..... i don't think one ever can fully get over a lifelong case of abuse. You only can forgive, never forget...... and you do this for yourself, not for them, the abuser. there is a wonderful poem by Tony Hoagland, called "LUCKY" It starts

"If you are lucky in this life,
you will get to help your enemy
the way I got to help my mother
when she was weakened past the point of saying no."

and it ends with

"If you are lucky in this life,
you will get to raise the spoon
of pristine, frosty ice cream
to the trusting creature mouth
of your old enemy

because the tastebuds at least are not broken
because there is a bond between you
and sweet is sweet in any language"

yes. yes. yes....... please read the entire poem here: https://www.poemhunter.com/poem/lucky/

[Ron61]

I’ve never been close with any of my siblings since we all grew up and went our separate ways. That being said,when I found out my oldest sister was dying of cancer I went to see her in the hospital. We said our goodbyes,though I admit it seemed almost ritualistic instead of heartfelt. My older brother died and I attended his funeral but to be honest it seemed almost surreal. We hadn’t seen or spoken to one another in over ten years prior to his death. In fact, the last time we spoke he was furious with me about something and stormed out of my house. Last I saw or heard of him.

Some families just turn out this way I guess. Not the way I wanted it, but since I was treated like the black sheep of the family things just kind of went this way.

[katenik]

Originally Posted by Tzaphkiel

this is excellent. it is up to the wife, and she is the one that knows their history, and it is her decision to make. she could feel better not going. she could feel worse if she went.

I have a brother that I have been estranged from since 1982. That is over 35 years. I have reached out to him many times and he has cut off all contact. That has been very hard to take. Our father died recently (last year) and my brother invited me to the funeral. I saw this as a possible way to reconnect, and begin building a relationship. I could not fly 3,000 miles to go to the funeral due to an injury, however I said could we get together when I was able to travel in a few months, spend a weekend together. And.....no contact, no reply.

It is just so much hurt. It can feel worse putting yourself out there and being hurt all over again. So your wife has to do what feels safe for her, not what "looks a certain way" or "how will it look" or "what will people think."

I think that your focus on the OP's wife is misplaced. It isn't about her, because she isn't the one standing at the precipice of her own mortality. I think that situations like these are the times in life that we are called upon to be selfless. The dying are experiencing emotions that we can't even fathom until it is our turn, and I believe that in most circumstances they deserve an extra measure of compassion. The OP described his wife's estrangement from her sister as a mere drifting apart, so even if I were inclined toward your perspective, I still fail to see what harm could come to her from going to say a final goodbye to her dying sister (if that's what the sister wants).

That being said, I believe there is more acrimony between the sisters than the OP revealed. Perhaps he doesn't know the whole story, but his wife's attitude toward a sister from whom she just "grew distant" seems unusually cold and uncaring. Lots of siblings grow apart, especially when they are geographically distant and were never especially close, in the first place. However, that doesn't normally prevent people from wanting to be present for their siblings as they face death.

[MaryleeII]

Obviously, the OP has to do what she thinks best.


However, visiting one while in the hospital is seldom a pleasant experience. If the patient is severely ill, perhaps dying, there's not much for a visitor to do. After the long drive, expense, etc, the visitor walks in and is---underwhelmed There really is no drama going on, just a patient lying there. This isn't an episode of General Hospital! The ill/dying person might not be up to conversation, or even able to talk. If you try to make amends, they might not even know who you are or what you're talking about! Actually, it puts the patient at an unfair disadvantage, being expected to make dignified farewell remarks, etc, while half their brain is out the door. You don't know what type of meds they are on, or what stage of the dying process they are at. After about 5 minutes, there really isn't much for a visitor to say/do that is meaningful. You might even upset the patient as they're trying to let go.


That's just my 2 cents. I wouldn't want people staring at me while I was passing....but that's just my opinion. I hope the OP finds peace...

[AnotherTouchOfWhimsy]

I would go. 500 miles isn't that big of a deal... and once the sister dies, there's no chance to go and see her. I assume your wife has her reasons and that there's likely more to the story than "a cold and distant relationship."

[applej3]

Nobody chooses who to be related to. Despite all the faaaaaaaaamily talk, the fact is there are often toxic people in our family who are best avoided if possible. I'm from a large family and a few of my siblings are backbiters, cons, and have repeatedly done hurtful things to me and even their own children. I haven't had contact with those particular people for many yrs. I hate it when others (relationship "fixers") try to force me to do so. and I have severed a few relationships because of it. I have no room in my life for that crap. I'm not seething or crying in my pillow at night. And I would not regret for one second if certain siblings would die and I didn't visit or make peace. Pffft.

The dstance is irrelevant - 5 miles or 500. Doesn't matter.

OP, I suspect there is more - a lot more - to the story that you don't know about and that your wife doesn't want to talk about. That is her right....it is what it is. Leave it alone.

[otowi]

Yes, I would. I don't care about the status of the relationship, it is just common decency to visit dying family, and not doing it might lead to guilt and regret later.