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If it would give her comfort to have me at her deathbed, I would go, but I would first ask if she would like to see me. Depending upon what has transpired between the sisters over a lifetime, the dying one might find it too painful (or she might be too spiteful) to be reunited with her sister. On the other hand, she might welcome a final opportunity to purge old wounds and be at peace with her sister in her last days. Giving her that choice would be the compassionate thing to do.
This is excellent advice. I had a stepmother who openly disliked me and made my life miserable when I was growing up. We were opposite personalities who just rubbed each other the wrong way. I couldn't wait to leave home and get away from her. When I was 18 I dropped out of college, got a job and moved away, relieved to finally be rid of her.
I spent my entire adult life keeping a polite distance from my stepmother and having as little contact as possible. After my father died, we had another big falling out and I rarely saw her at all. We exchanged birthday and Christmas cards, and that was all the contact I wanted.
As she got older my stepmother seemed to want to make nice with me and would even send me gifts and money. But seeing her brought up so many bad memories, I still avoided her while doing my best to be polite and friendly in a superficial way so she wouldn't realize how I really felt.
Then a lifetime of drinking and smoking cigarettes finally caught up with my stepmother, and she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She seemed to do all right for a while but then rapidly went downhill. My stepsister called me and said that I might want to come see her soon because she didn't have much time left. So I gathered my courage and went for a visit.
It was hard to see the woman who had once tormented me looking so frail and weak and in constant pain. But she seemed to perk up when I arrived, as though she were genuinely glad to see me. I suddenly realized that it was important both to me and to her that I put aside my grievances and forgive her. So I gave her a big hug and we said a lot of nice things to each other. She said she hoped to see me again, although we both knew that would never happen. She went into hospice and died about two weeks later.
I am very glad that I went to see my stepmother. That last visit gave me peace of mind and closure, and I hope it did the same for her. I can't say that it purged all the old wounds, but at least my last memory of her is a warm, affectionate one. If the OP's wife can find it within herself to bury the hatchet for one last visit with her sister, it might turn out to be rewarding in ways that she could never imagine. And even if it doesn't, at least she'll be a better person for having made the effort.
So there is some reason that the dying sister can't make a phone call if she wants to patch things up? Any hospital I've ever been in has phones.
And have you ever tried to make a long-distance phone call from your hospital bed in any of those hospitals you've been in? The answer would be no because you can't make long-distance calls from those phones. (Now the sister may have a cellphone to make such a call, but that isn't relevant to your comment about phones in hospitals.)
Wow...really? Your wife is missing a compassion and empathy gene. These are moments where I would expect someone in her position to be upset that they didn't keep in touch, that now it is too late, etc. And to not even care or want to be bothered with going to saying goodbye and talk and connect and just being with an immediate family member who is facing the abyss? That's just a dead inside person right there.
Why should the sister go visit her dying sister whom she hadn't talked to in 10 years? From all accounts, she does not feel and will not feel any regrets about not being involved with the sister. What if, instead of the closure that people think these two sisters will get, what if there are more angry words and bitterness? Will that be helpful to any one?
I too wonder how the sister found out that her sister is dying, especially since they haven't spoken in ten years. Who spilled the beans?
I'd say she should make the effort. At a bare mininum, one could meet halfway (not physically) and call her on the phone?
Speaking for myself, I have a relative that I haven't seen in about 26 years. She had issues with my father and my mother and by extension had issues with me - however, I was only a kid then - so no idea why she'd have issues with me.
Anyway, another relative of mine is in contact with her. She's getting on in years. I've felt no real need to contact her in these 26 years. But, she came up in conversation and my relative is possibly trying to get us to meet. My parents might feel it is a betrayal to them. However, I'm an adult and I believe they taught me to be a forgiving person. If she is as bad as they say she is, I can find that out on my own.
So, I extend a feeler out through our mutual relative. Turns out that in the time since our initial discussion and putting out that feeler, she may have been diagnosed with cancer. Honestly, it wouldn't stop me from meeting her, but it would make a difficult situation even more prickly. "What? You only want to meet me now because I'm dying?"
Meh. I'm still on the fence, but leaning towards making it happen. Why not? And I'd pose that same question to the OP's wife.
The people in your family are only that by chance. There is no genetic or psychological "rule" that says you have to connect to them or love them. I have two sisters, one of whom I don't really have anything in common with at all, but I still love them and they love me.
However, if the wife doesn't have that kind of feeling, the fact that this woman is her sister really doesn't create a need to go see her, I don't think. Some people just don't get along or connect or bond at all despite their DNA.
If that is the case, what purpose would the visit serve? It would maybe just give another example, in an already very trying time for the dying sister, that there is no connection or bond between them. I would not want a virtual stranger visiting me while I was nearing death.
Just another point of view.
I personally could not imagine being that distant from anyone in my family that I would not jump in the car or onto a plane in a second and go.
Has the dying sister requested communication or a visit from her sister? If not, leave both of them alone. A visit isn't warranted, nor will it be accepted in the spirit everyone seems to think.
My wife has a sister she has not talked to in ten years who is in a hospital dying of cancer. I understand the sister will likely die within a month. The dying sister is in a hospital 500 miles away from where we live.
I asked my wife why she does not call her sister up on the phone or plan a trip to visit her. My wife said, "why should I, we have not talked to each other for the last ten years when she was well, why now?"
The sister dying of cancer and my wife never had a major blow up but just had a cold distant relationship. Nothing in common and their personalities did not match, so they just stopped communicating.
I don't know what to make of it. On one hand, if siblings don't talk to each other for ten years when they are healthy, maybe making an effort when one of them is dying is hypocritical. But maybe when someone is dying, that is a time to be an adult and make amends.
What about you? If you had a brother or sister you had such a distant cold relationship with that you had not talked to them in ten years, would you drive 500 miles to visit them at the hospital on their death bed?
Making amends is great when a previously close relationship has deteriorated because of a misunderstanding or minor issue. But in this case it sounds like they don't have any connection, other than having been born into the same family. They are basically strangers who don't like each other. So why bother?
If neither of them have made any attempt to talk to each other for the past 10 years, then I don't think your wife needs to jump in her car and drive 500 miles now. If your wife will have no regrets then I don't see why she should go out of her way to see her sister before she dies.
this is excellent. it is up to the wife, and she is the one that knows their history, and it is her decision to make. she could feel better not going. she could feel worse if she went.
I have a brother that I have been estranged from since 1982. That is over 35 years. I have reached out to him many times and he has cut off all contact. That has been very hard to take. Our father died recently (last year) and my brother invited me to the funeral. I saw this as a possible way to reconnect, and begin building a relationship. I could not fly 3,000 miles to go to the funeral due to an injury, however I said could we get together when I was able to travel in a few months, spend a weekend together. And.....no contact, no reply.
It is just so much hurt. It can feel worse putting yourself out there and being hurt all over again. So your wife has to do what feels safe for her, not what "looks a certain way" or "how will it look" or "what will people think."
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