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And yes, not wanting to join you at the gym (if they still go to the gym) seems odd, though OP--2 hrs.? WHY??!! Because you have nothing better to do? Nobody spends 2 hrs. in the gym, unless they're body-builders, or make use of other aspects of the facility before/after workout (pool, racquetball courts, whatever).
Well, 2 hours is the whole gym routine beginning to end: changing, weightlifting, a little bit of cardio, sitting in a sauna, cooling off in the pool, and sometimes getting food afterwards. Plus, we'd talk between exercises too. It was a social as much as a healthy activity for us. If you do just changing and exercises, like if one of us is in a rush or if I work out alone, it takes about an hour.
Well, 2 hours is the whole gym routine beginning to end: changing, weightlifting, a little bit of cardio, sitting in a sauna, cooling off in the pool, and sometimes getting food afterwards. Plus, we'd talk between exercises too. It was a social as much as a healthy activity for us. If you do just changing and exercises, like if one of us is in a rush or if I work out alone, it takes about an hour.
OK, that makes sense. (I've never been to a gym with a sauna.) But don't be surprised if your buds don't want to spend the whole 2 hrs. there with you. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect one of them to join you for 45 mins. to an hr. or so, for a basic workout, and maybe even a steam, now and then.
Anyway, marriage isn't a straightjacket, where you have to give up Fun Stuff. You can still do your weekend hobby activities, your cycle club outings, or an occasional camping trip with your buddies, or whatever. That's considered normal and healthy. Just FYI. But it's not as if we haven't told you this before.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 05-15-2018 at 12:54 PM..
When I was young (high school), my parents used to tell me that I could use them as an excuse for any activity that I didn't feel comfortable doing. For example, if a boy asked me out and I didn't feel comfortable going, I could always say "My dad won't let me go" and that would be the end of it.
OP - I have used this same excuse with my own husband. Someone wants something from me and I just don't have the nerve to hurt their feelings, and it doesn't happen enough for me to be completely truthful with them, so I say "my husband can't make it so I think I'll pass" or something of equal value in message.
The point is, your friends are using their wives as excuses and you've taken it literally. I mean, why wouldn't you? However, they aren't joined at the hip - they prefer each other's company. They can't go anywhere alone? They just don't want to. They blame their wives for feelings they themselves likely have but it's easier to blame them because they have no skin in the game. Your friends have changed and YOU think something is wrong with them. So all you hear is, their wives are to blame and marriage sucks and they don't get to do anything fun... they're lying to you to spare your feelings. It's not ideal but until you can come to terms with your own issues of hating relationships, meaningful ones where you drop your expectations, they'll probably always lie to you.
I thought the idea of a Meetup was to make new friends and take it offline?
OP seems to be struggling with connections generally.
OP, where are all your new friends?
Lots of people have trouble finding compatible in-sync people to become friends with.
It's one of the major problem in today's society in the U.S. as an adult.
Attending college/university and playing on sports teams, sometimes church, and meeting parents involved in shared children activities are fertile grounds for finding and developing friends.
After college/university the large pool with which to interact diminishes, and not everyone plays on sports teams nor are interested in church nor have children yet nor have children at all.
Some good points in the post above. I fall into a category where I think celebrating birthdays as an adult seems childish to me - especially having a specific restaurant event to celebrate an adult birthday. I know MANY disagree with that. I just don't see why adults need to make a deal out of a birthday - to me, birthdays are for children and teens. Thinking that one needs to be 'special' on a birthday with a restaurant event seems weird to me.
I'm with you on that.
My BIL is the only adult I know that celebrates his birthday. He always makes plans for dinner (which he expects other people to pay for, because it's his birthday), then out for ice cream after (same payment arrangements). Even when my MIL was unemployed, he insisted on celebrating. He was shocked and hurt when she told him she couldn't make it, because she couldn't afford it. He's an immature man-child that is a complete and utter narcissist.
Yes, to my knowledge. We played video games all the time, until the day they got into relationships. Some of our inside jokes include video game references. But like I said, I wanted a place where I wouldn't look awkward waiting for latecomers. And D&B was just the ticket. I do wonder if I did it to myself, by picking a place where people didn't want to come on time. But what if I picked an upscale bistro, with white tablecloths and a live violinist, and they still came an hour late?
Meetup is offline. Someone posts an event for a specific activity. Then people RSVP, show up, and do the activity. I've hung out with some of my Meetup friends for years, and been to their homes. Did you think it was some kind of a virtual meeting space?
Maybe not, but the damage's been done. Adopting that kind of lifestyle is not the price I'm willing to pay for being "mature", "normal", and what-have-you. Now, I'm aware of kink, poly, and other alternative lifestyles for couples. But they're even less mainstream than my perpetual singleness. And they're not my thing, either.
I think you're looking at the cause and affect of your relationship breaking down backwards. Instead of assuming the relationship is the cause of them not wanting to play games anymore, isn't it more likely that they are in relationships because they've grown up and no longer want to play video games?
Wrong! I meant that their marriages are too new for overt conflicts, not that they're too new to be unhappy. Many a time, a couple puts on a happy front in public, while arguing constantly behind closed doors. Even if not, I do believe that my friends' lives have gotten worse in terms of autonomy. They can no longer do things that are active and fun, they have to obey their wives, and they're joined at the hip. That kind of life is my personal hell that puts Dante to shame.
Heck, I once invited one couple to volunteer with me at a food charity warehouse: sorting and packing food, to be sent to needy families, while upbeat music plays in the background. There's nothing more "adult" and "wholesome" than that, right? Nope, they turned that down too.
Sad, that you think that most marriages put on happy fronts while are privately miserable.
Sad, that you think that someone married is automatically assumed to "obey" their spouse.
Sad, that you can't see that they might think that being with their wife is what is active and fun.
Sad, that you think your dislikes must be everyone else's.
The point is, your friends are using their wives as excuses and you've taken it literally. I mean, why wouldn't you? However, they aren't joined at the hip - they prefer each other's company. They can't go anywhere alone? They just don't want to. They blame their wives for feelings they themselves likely have but it's easier to blame them because they have no skin in the game.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions. They wanted to "spare my feelings", but instead, they created a monster . That is, someone who permanently swore off all relationships. And I can't imagine preferring a wife's company. Doing your diligence to stay out of the doghouse, sure. But sometimes you just need time off to truly relax, with no authority figures hovering over you. With a spouse, you have to be on your best behavior at all times; that's exhausting!
Quote:
Originally Posted by ringwise
Instead of assuming the relationship is the cause of them not wanting to play games anymore, isn't it more likely that they are in relationships because they've grown up and no longer want to play video games?
I thought growing up is supposed to give you more freedom, along with responsibilities to match. When you get married (i.e. "grow up"), you lose most of your freedom---while keeping all adult responsibilities---because your spouse takes control of your life. From where you both live, to what you (singular) eat for dinner, and if you don't do what your spouse says, there are consequences. That's more like being a kid than anything "grown up". But I guess that's the LifeScript(TM) society laid down, and we must accept it. Oh well. <shrug>
Last edited by MillennialUrbanist; 05-15-2018 at 03:00 PM..
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MU, way way back in this extremely long thread, you stated you learned vicariously that you didn't want to have a wife. That is, you learned by watching others, not by experiencing a deep committed relationship yourself.
Truthfully, your attitude sounds like a 5th grade boy's conversation.
It appears you've only witnessed relationships where the men truly didn't want to be in them - and why they were despite wanting a different lifestyle - is anyone's guess.
The more you reveal about your philosophies, the clearer it is why your close friends make excuses to limit their exposure to you, even if that means pretending they want to be at home at 9, so the evening has a clear early ending point, and then they arrive an hour late. To limit negative damage control on their moods.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions. They wanted to "spare my feelings", but instead, they created a monster . That is, someone who permanently swore off all relationships. And I can't imagine preferring a wife's company. Doing your diligence to keep yourself out of the doghouse, sure. But sometimes you just need time off to truly relax, with no authority figures hovering over you. With a spouse, you have to be on your best behavior at all times; that's exhausting!
I thought growing up is supposed to give you more freedom, along with responsibilities to match. When you get married (i.e. "grow up"), you lose most of your freedom---while keeping all adult responsibilities---because your spouse takes control of your life. From where you both live, to what you (singular) eat for dinner, and if you don't do what your spouse says, there are consequences. That's more like being a kid than anything "grown up". But I guess that's the LifeScript(TM) society laid down, and we must accept it. Oh well. <shrug>
You really have no clue.
Why can't you accept that friendships change, without having to assign blame to someone for it?
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. That is, someone who permanently swore off all relationships. And I can't imagine preferring a wife's company. Doing your diligence to stay out of the doghouse, sure. But sometimes you just need time off to truly relax, with no authority figures hovering over you. With a spouse, you have to be on your best behavior at all times; that's exhausting!
