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They spoil me on my birthday. We, youngest daughter (age 26) and I go out for a week every year to their place. They both take a week's vacation, and we all have a blast together. DD and I are given shopping money for the outlets, a picnic at our favorite spot, a birthday dinner for me at our favorite restaurant, and a day at Atlantic City Casinos playing slots.
I grew up in a loving, functional household, I got along with my sister (2 years younger) like most siblings, some fighting (not physical) and teasing. My sister always remembered I teased her more than she teased me, but she has selective memory. We both teased the other the same. At least I am willing to accept my culpability in half of it.
My friends always told me my sister was fake. In retrospect I have to agree with them. She always acted like a goodie, a kiss axx, particularly to our parents. She continued to get financial support from our parents off and on throughout her life, and I'm pretty sure even in times of employment. (I never asked for or wanted a dime when I moved out on my own a year after I graduated college. I continued to be great friends with my parents and we even double dated!)
I had thought my parents instilled the same values in both my sister and I. In recent years because my mother had asked me I tried to become a bit more social with my sister and to perhaps some small degree succeeded (I thought).
I was just struck numb when my sister grabbed the $200K+ from my mom's bank account 2 days after mom died. Wow I never saw that coming!
I'm surprised we haven't had more posts about relatives stealing your parents' money that they intended to be divided between all their children. I hear so many similar stories in real life.
Sorry about that, but that was your mom's fault. You can't walk into a bank and tell them your the adult child of the deceased customer and just get the money.
Not possible, your sister had to be listed on that account.
Your mother must have put your sister's name on the account, if parents intend to have things divided equally than they have a will or a trust.
Sorry about that, but that was your mom's fault. You can't walk into a bank and tell them your the adult child of the deceased customer and just get the money.
Not possible, your sister had to be listed on that account.
Your mother must have put your sister's name on the account, if parents intend to have things divided equally than they have a will or a trust.
Here is the deep story. My mother was getting senile and had some dementia when she moved into assisted living. Part of her dementia was that she would make emotional decisions not logical decisions.
Just to give her state of mind, at the time I was living in a RV and was house hunting for my next house. My mother knew I was in a bad way (I got major depression over this, and thankfully got that addressed a few years ago) and my mother knowing I was miserable kept offering me money. I turned her down every time, telling her she needed the money for her assisted living, I was fine and had plenty of money. (I was and I did. When I bought my house I just wrote a check.)
So my mother was concerned that she might become incapacitated, and wanted to be certain that if both she and her husband were incapacitated at the same time that my sister could pay any necessary bills. THAT is why my mother added my sister to her bank account authorized signatures.
I'm sure my mother believed that my sister had learned and subscribed to the same life lessons as I was taught. They were the traditional Judeo-Christian ethics and a sense of honesty. It never occurred to my mother that her daughter would steal from her son. That's what old demented people are like. They aren't living in the real world.
I too was astonished that my sister could do this. I had online access to my mom's account after she died (given me by her husband, I could view it, I couldn't transact it.) I saw where my sister took the money.
I discussed this with my mom's estate attorney. He was agast and it took he and I and my sister three go-arounds before my sister agreed to send me even a semblance of my half. The estate attorney told me that from the point of view of banking regulations, any person with signature authority on a bank account is considered as an equal owner. This is not at all what my mother intended, but thanks to dementia this is what she got, and also thanks to her thinking my sister was who my mother raised, not some despicable creature dressed up in a human being costume.
The attorney told me that I would eventually prevail if my sister refused to cooperate at all, but it would be expensive. He told me the pour over will and living trust were adequate proof of my mother's intentions and that by the time it got to court the case would go my way.
So in the end I figured I was shorted about $10K and maybe that's about the same as the legal fees would have cost me, except I didn't have to go to court. (And worse, the jurisdiction would have been out of state for me.)
So there you have the entire, ugly story, and I think you can see now why my sister had signature authority, see what she did, and see how she earned herself a position of having no blood relatives who will speak to her or have anything to do with her.
I'm just glad that my belief system does not include thinking that my dead and gone parents can have any knowledge of what happened on Earth after they passed. I would just hate for my parents to know what my sister did to me. If they can know, at least they know they raised ME right!
Here is the deep story. My mother was getting senile and had some dementia when she moved into assisted living. Part of her dementia was that she would make emotional decisions not logical decisions.
Just to give her state of mind, at the time I was living in a RV and was house hunting for my next house. My mother knew I was in a bad way (I got major depression over this, and thankfully got that addressed a few years ago) and my mother knowing I was miserable kept offering me money. I turned her down every time, telling her she needed the money for her assisted living, I was fine and had plenty of money. (I was and I did. When I bought my house I just wrote a check.)
So my mother was concerned that she might become incapacitated, and wanted to be certain that if both she and her husband were incapacitated at the same time that my sister could pay any necessary bills. THAT is why my mother added my sister to her bank account authorized signatures.
I'm sure my mother believed that my sister had learned and subscribed to the same life lessons as I was taught. They were the traditional Judeo-Christian ethics and a sense of honesty. It never occurred to my mother that her daughter would steal from her son. That's what old demented people are like. They aren't living in the real world.
I too was astonished that my sister could do this. I had online access to my mom's account after she died (given me by her husband, I could view it, I couldn't transact it.) I saw where my sister took the money.
I discussed this with my mom's estate attorney. He was agast and it took he and I and my sister three go-arounds before my sister agreed to send me even a semblance of my half. The estate attorney told me that from the point of view of banking regulations, any person with signature authority on a bank account is considered as an equal owner. This is not at all what my mother intended, but thanks to dementia this is what she got, and also thanks to her thinking my sister was who my mother raised, not some despicable creature dressed up in a human being costume.
The attorney told me that I would eventually prevail if my sister refused to cooperate at all, but it would be expensive. He told me the pour over will and living trust were adequate proof of my mother's intentions and that by the time it got to court the case would go my way.
So in the end I figured I was shorted about $10K and maybe that's about the same as the legal fees would have cost me, except I didn't have to go to court. (And worse, the jurisdiction would have been out of state for me.)
So there you have the entire, ugly story, and I think you can see now why my sister had signature authority, see what she did, and see how she earned herself a position of having no blood relatives who will speak to her or have anything to do with her.
I'm just glad that my belief system does not include thinking that my dead and gone parents can have any knowledge of what happened on Earth after they passed. I would just hate for my parents to know what my sister did to me. If they can know, at least they know they raised ME right!
What an awful story, sorry you went through that.
I think it's very hard or almost impossible for parents to think their adult children would even do that to one another. Your mother had no idea even before her dementia that your sister would pull something like that.
I think it's very hard or almost impossible for parents to think their adult children would even do that to one another. Your mother had no idea even before her dementia that your sister would pull something like that.
Your sister lost in the end.
Aw, I lived so I'm not complaining. I'll admit it's a bummer having to tell the story over and over to women I'm dating, to explain to them why I have a sister I don't talk to. Women hear I don't talk to my sister and they get worried that there might be something wrong with ME relationship-wise. So I have to tell the whole story and they always get it when the ugly story has been told. And I'm stuck with telling the story until I end up with a permanent relationship and a woman who understands the situation.
No, my parents never saw this coming. And worse, my sister had our dad wrapped around her little finger (as the story goes). I'm sure my sister suckered a lot of money out of my parents over the years. I've even had friends who knew us both point this out.
I don't really care about the money any more. My parents taught me to work hard and prepare for retirement, and I never needed any money from my parents. In the end the only thing I ever got from them after I moved out on my own (about 23) was the unspent money after both my parents passed, them beyond any need for money. (I bought some rental houses and became a landlord, just now closing down that business.)
You are right that my sister lost in the end. To whatever degree she resembles a human being...
I didn't even tell you the full story. There's more (the wake). If I told the full story I'd be getting PMs asking for my sister's address and where they can buy kerosene and wood torches! That story is too ugly for this forum.
I think that's about all I have to personally contribute to this discussion. But I know this story repeats often all across the land and across the years too. It's just human nature that some people are greedy and have insufficient scruples.
I am an only child between my two parents. But later in life, my dad had two more kids with my stepmom. One came along when I was 13, the other when I was 18. I am 29 now. Interaction was always pleasant and cordial but it was much different due to the age gap and the frequency which we saw each other (weekends).
My family is spread apart - some in NY/NJ, some in NC, some in FL... we're used to seeing aunts, uncles, and cousins maybe once a year. Maybe. No family reunions. We all like each other very much, and talk on the phone a lot, but the physical presence is limited.
To native southerners, this is a completely alien concept. Some families all live in the same county, some on the same road! I'd go crazy, personally.
I'm surprised that so many people assume an accident of biological nature, same parents … is the essence and foundation of a "good" relationship.
In my case, there's 15 years between me and my sister.
For all intents and purposes, we grew up in entirely different circumstances.
For me, my parents were starting out on their careers and were still very much the product of having grown up and survived the depression. Frugality, sacrifice, pinching every penny … living far below their means … was paramount.
Sis grew up in entirely different circumstances of affluence with household staff and a sense of entitlement.
We couldn't be further apart in our backgrounds. We've got no cause to be in touch in these later years of our lives. We live far apart and I can't recall having been in communication … and it was pretty ugly stuff following Mom's passing … for over 15 years. Don't know and don't care what's going on in her life, nor she mine. So be it.
I'm surprised that so many people assume an accident of biological nature, same parents … is the essence and foundation of a "good" relationship.
In my case, there's 15 years between me and my sister.
For all intents and purposes, we grew up in entirely different circumstances.
For me, my parents were starting out on their careers and were still very much the product of having grown up and survived the depression. Frugality, sacrifice, pinching every penny … living far below their means … was paramount.
Sis grew up in entirely different circumstances of affluence with household staff and a sense of entitlement.
We couldn't be further apart in our backgrounds. We've got no cause to be in touch in these later years of our lives. We live far apart and I can't recall having been in communication … and it was pretty ugly stuff following Mom's passing … for over 15 years. Don't know and don't care what's going on in her life, nor she mine. So be it.
I, too, am very confused when it comes to some people I know deciding to stay close to family members that cause them lots of stress or are drama-inducing and toxic to keep around. For me, personally, any sentimental bond that I might have is very thin, and can be broken easily if I detect that someone acting immaturely or irresponsibly is an enormous drain on my happiness and well being.
I have no qualms about cutting someone out who truly is disruptive, and I have. I do not do this frivolously, but for consistent misbehavior such as belligerence and manipulation, I've chosen to remove two family members from all forms of communication: my dad and an aunt.
As an adult, I don't feel any duty to support someone who makes threats with ultimatums or let themselves go from a successful career into substance abuse and also abuse any help they received.
Don't assume they have the same parents or grew up together OP. I didn't really grow up with my sibling and we don't have the same dad..we are total opposites. Its easy to not be close in that situation.
I grew up in a loving, functional household, I got along with my sister (2 years younger) like most siblings, some fighting (not physical) and teasing. My sister always remembered I teased her more than she teased me, but she has selective memory. We both teased the other the same. At least I am willing to accept my culpability in half of it.
My friends always told me my sister was fake. In retrospect I have to agree with them. She always acted like a goodie, a kiss axx, particularly to our parents. She continued to get financial support from our parents off and on throughout her life, and I'm pretty sure even in times of employment. (I never asked for or wanted a dime when I moved out on my own a year after I graduated college. I continued to be great friends with my parents and we even double dated!)
I had thought my parents instilled the same values in both my sister and I. In recent years because my mother had asked me I tried to become a bit more social with my sister and to perhaps some small degree succeeded (I thought).
I was just struck numb when my sister grabbed the $200K+ from my mom's bank account 2 days after mom died. Wow I never saw that coming!
I'm surprised we haven't had more posts about relatives stealing your parents' money that they intended to be divided between all their children. I hear so many similar stories in real life.
This is an odd story, about the mother's money. Many questions come to mind, along with one already mentioned:
1. How did Sis gain access to an account not her own? Was she named after your mother? AND just happened to get a teller who was new on the job, and hadn't known your mother? That would be quite a coincidence.
2. Why was your mother keeping so much money in a bank account? Did she not have an investment account, or certif.'s of deposit, at least?
3. Was there a will? Or had your Sis been taking care of your mother, and had perhaps been told there would be a reward for her devotion?
4. Was that all the money your mother had in the world? Or was there a separate stash that was divided between the two of you?
I hate it when one child is able to manipulate the parents. Parents are supposed to be smarter than that, but some just lap up the seemingly loving attention, the adoration.
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