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OP, at first I was surprised at how many posts were bashing you for your concerns. But then I remembered, the most typical pattern here at CD is to bash the poster rather than recognize the problem with the person being asked about.
*IF* you were your friend, and you had come here and posted everything in reverse, I'm sure the responses would have been quite different. If you had said, "I like to do as much as possible for my grown children. I like to pay their bills, schedule their doctor appointments for them, and I frequently put my friends on hold if a phone call from one of my kids comes in. But I have a friend who is bothered by all this. She thinks I am a doormat because I do so much for my kids yet they aren't there for me when I need help. She is hurt because I blow her off if my kids need me. Shouldn't my friend just support me and accept me the way I am?"
Whoa lordy, you would have been lambasted as being a crazy, over-involved, enabling mother and terrible friend in that case.
Most people here seem to support that the op has a right to not want to be put on hold ,that her friend doing so is being rude. The rest of her friends life is none of anybody’s business and isn’t relevant.
Most people here seem to support that the op has a right to not want to be put on hold ,that her friend doing so is being rude. The rest of her friends life is none of anybody’s business and isn’t relevant.
I understand what you're saying, but when the friend is telling her all this information, she is inviting a response. Friends provide advice and guidance on occasion. Otherwise, what's the point? If the OP wanted to come here and bounce her concerns off of all of us, I don't see the harm. It's anonymous anyway. Maybe she will take away what some of you are saying and think, "Meh, I guess it's just me. She is just being a fantastic mom."
My mom got like this, overinvolved in her grown children's lives (not mine - I moved away thank goodness haha). I told her to get a pet, actually two. Those dogs became her new babies and she let go some from the "children". Maybe that's what the OP should suggest. A pet, a new hobby, something to lessen the grip on her 40-something kids.
OP, do you have grandchildren? Because I have a lot of friends who are grandmas, and they are all like this.
Not necessarily paying off loans, but they will jump up from a lunch table and toss cash on the table if one of their daughters in law said hey can you come babysit for an hour? Jason is still in his crib napping and I need to go to ____?
OR, you can't rely on them for anything, because hey, grandma duty. And the other women in the room nod aggreeably and say kiss that sweet baby for me.
And they know in complete detail their son's application process for a new job, and woohoo he has an interview right now can't wait for his text, oh wait that's him just a minute that's him calling gotta take this.
They're all like that. All of them. I'm not a grandma yet so that's why it stands out to me as interesting.
Your comments are interesting to me because I am a grandma and many of the women in my various social circles are grandmas, too, and I don't even know one who does something like that (jump up from the table in a restaurant, ignore their friends when their child texts them, etc.) Of course, we all (usually) have our phones put away during meals at restaurants and other social events so we don't even get the call from the DIL or text from the adult child until we are finished.
I guess it may depend on the "unwritten rules" and expectations of your social group.
I understand what you're saying, but when the friend is telling her all this information, she is inviting a response. Friends provide advice and guidance on occasion. Otherwise, what's the point? If the OP wanted to come here and bounce her concerns off of all of us, I don't see the harm. It's anonymous anyway. Maybe she will take away what some of you are saying and think, "Meh, I guess it's just me. She is just being a fantastic mom."
My mom got like this, overinvolved in her grown children's lives (not mine - I moved away thank goodness haha). I told her to get a pet, actually two. Those dogs became her new babies and she let go some from the "children". Maybe that's what the OP should suggest. A pet, a new hobby, something to lessen the grip on her 40-something kids.
Because you are assuming something about someone’s whole life and relationship based on a few snippets that have absolutely no bearing on the issue at hand. Whether it’s anonymous isn’t relevant either. This is just pure speculation and nasty gossip. The only REAL fact here is the op is upset about being put on hold.
Do you have advice for the op on how she can confront her friend about this? Should the op share how everyone on here agrees with her that her friends reasons for putting her on hold is wrong. Should she suggest to the friend she needs therapy for being a doormat?
Is this post about how to tear apart her friend and then offer love and support to guide her friend away from being a doormat or is this post about being upset being put on hold?
She sounds as if she is a wonderful, loving, involved grandmother. I could understand if she were blowing you off for something that's not an emergency when you two had set, important plans. But barring that, I'd say she's doing what she's supposed to, and it gives her joy.
I knew this post was going to trigger the moms who think coddling adult children is normal.
When children are young it is common for parents to run to their aid and take care of things. Even phone calls with friends are non existent or interrupted when dealing with young children. Many of my friends were like this while raising their family. At some point most children grow up and become independent adults. Sure they get help from family now and then but usually handle life events on their own. None of her children are single parents who usually need more support.
My friend tells me everything about her involvement with her kids which is how I know all the details including the financial loans, paying their bills etc. She also can not believe how they treat her since they are not around when she has endured major life tragedies. I always valued her friendship and was always there for her when she needed me.
So yes, I expect when she talks to me on the phone to not put me on hold for one of her "adult child's" drama of the day. This happens almost every time we talk.
We all make decisions in life about the compatibility of friendship and the ones we keep and ones we let go.
Question for you? Is she there for you when you need her?
The only thing that would bother me is if you were in the middle of telling her some major issue you have, and she puts you on hold and leaves you there in limbo, instead of coming back to you right away or just letting the daily call from one of her kids go to voice mail.
I think you should just hang up if she puts you on hold and don't call her back. Let her be the one to call you from now on. And each time she puts you on hold, you simply hang up. You don't have to make a point of completely ending your friendship because of her unswerving devotion to her family. Just accept the fact that they come first before you, they always have come first and they always will until the day she dies. Most likely her family comes first ahead of all of her other friends and associates too, not only you. So don't feel resentful.
If her calls to you become less frequent, or if she stops calling you entirely then perhaps the friendly relationship between the two of you was already weakening on her part anyway. If the friendship must die then let it die a slow natural death on its own with you both still being on good terms with each other without there being any further hard feelings between the two of you.
Be happy for her that she has always had such a close and loving bond with her family and that she finds so much personal fulfillment from them. When your friend has become so old and frail that she can no longer function on a daily basis the way she used to who will she turn to then? When she can't get by without assistance and caregiving it won't be you or her other friends that are prepared and willing to take full responsibility for her, it will be her family that is there for her and looks after her well being. The good relationship she has now with her family, putting them first before all others, will help to ensure that her relationship with the family is not jeopardized for her future old age when she will need all of them more than they need her. Her family is her future support system.
Let the past go and look ahead to your own future. If you have no family of your own to devote time and love on then look into finding some new friends for yourself that will be more devoted to you than she is. Nurture those new and any other old relationships so that you have good friends and support system there for you in your times of need in your own old age.
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I think most of your post is spot on.
The bolded part, there is no guarantee that the adult children will step up to the plate when the time comes, in fact when you have adult children who are almost middle aged having mommy pay their bills and make appts for them, you think they're suddenly going to become responsible?
These are usually the ones who want to place mom the minute they think she needs any help. They can barely function themselves, have relied on the parent so long, they're not capable of now being the parent when the role reversal comes.
In a perfect world it would work out that way, but I can think of several situations where the parents were amazing and the adult children didn't want to be bothered when the time came.
The bolded part, there is no guarantee that the adult children will step up to the plate when the time comes, in fact when you have adult children who are almost middle aged having mommy pay their bills and make appts for them, you think they're suddenly going to become responsible?
These are usually the ones who want to place mom the minute they think she needs any help. They can barely function themselves, have relied on the parent so long, they're not capable of now being the parent when the role reversal comes.
In a perfect world it would work out that way, but I can think of several situations where the parents were amazing and the adult children didn't want to be bothered when the time came.
So you think the op cares and wants to help her friend or is just irritated she is being put on hold?
I think some women are stuck in "mommy" zone for their entire lives. And don't realize how they look to the rest of the world.
In this case, who cares what she looks like to the rest of the world?
If the OP doesn't agree with her lifestyle, so be it.
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