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Our family has a few members who are considered "better looking" than the others. This happens in each generation. At gatherings, inevitably this is commented upon, especially when these individuals are female.
And trying not to sound like a humble brag (because its NOT), I am one of those people. I am 40 now, so I would have hoped it would stop. No. Standing next to a similarly aged female relative at a recent gathering I was compared to her (not favorably for her) by another relative, told "your husband must be really handsome!" and that I was part of the "good genes" that "not everyone got." This is incredibly awkward and not complimentary. And the comments went on. Many of these were from older men which gives it a different level of ickiness as I am related to them in some way.
I saw this behavior repeated with other younger relatives. Its nice to be considered attractive, but not the be all end all. And it creates animus between siblings, cousins, etc. Its just not necessary. Women do have other skills that they work hard to develop. People grow into different looks over time. Its just not positive to constantly call this out.
Try to deflect it with a comment like "Beauty is only skin deep" or "Don't judge a book by its cover" and then compliment someone else on - their great career, their fashion sense, their wonderful family, their charitable works -- you get the picture.
I like to joke that my sister got the looks, brains, and ambition in the family, but truthfully I would not trade places with her as she is short in the love and kindness department. Which I have plenty of.
When compared to another relative, flip the script.
"Are you kidding? I think she's a stunner! I wish I had those beautiful eyes! They must come from the other side of her family, and I'm jealous!"
"I might be pretty, but I wish I were as brilliant/creative/talented as she is. I missed out on the good genes!"
I tried exactly this in this recent situation and was told I was being "condescending." After decades of this behavior, there is a lot of built up anger. I get it. There is really nothing I can say without seeming like I am being a total B. I just walk away from these conversations now when I can.
For example, when I was a kid, my grandmother and aunt told me repeatedly that I'd be bald like my uncle Butch. So I'd scrutinize my scalp in the mirror for years, searching for the telltale first signs of hair loss.
I'm in my mid-50s now. Not only do I have a full head of hair, but I don't even have gray hair.
All in all, it took me a long time to realize what a bunch of mean, sharp-tongued b*tches the women in my family were.
For example, when I was a kid, my grandmother and aunt told me repeatedly that I'd be bald like my uncle Butch. So I'd scrutinize my scalp in the mirror for years, searching for the telltale first signs of hair loss.
I'm in my mid-50s now. Not only do I have a full head of hair, but I don't even have gray hair.
All in all, it took me a long time to realize what a bunch of mean, sharp-tongued b*tches the women in my family were.
Ain't family just the best?
I really think they believe they are bestowing the highest possible compliment on me. But its diminishing and creepy. Its sad to be reduced to the way you look. No one ever asks me about my career but they will sure comment on what I am wearing, how big my diamond is and who gave it to me (never considering that I might be able to buy it myself, as I did), how much I lost or gained weight, etc. I feel like I am in the 1950s. I give a pass to relatives in their 70s and 80s but coming from people in their 40s and 50s its just really toxic.
Our family has a few members who are considered "better looking" than the others. This happens in each generation. At gatherings, inevitably this is commented upon, especially when these individuals are female.
And trying not to sound like a humble brag (because its NOT), I am one of those people. I am 40 now, so I would have hoped it would stop. No. Standing next to a similarly aged female relative at a recent gathering I was compared to her (not favorably for her) by another relative, told "your husband must be really handsome!" and that I was part of the "good genes" that "not everyone got." This is incredibly awkward and not complimentary. And the comments went on. Many of these were from older men which gives it a different level of ickiness as I am related to them in some way.
I saw this behavior repeated with other younger relatives. Its nice to be considered attractive, but not the be all end all. And it creates animus between siblings, cousins, etc. Its just not necessary. Women do have other skills that they work hard to develop. People grow into different looks over time. Its just not positive to constantly call this out.
Sometimes it just happens with kids.
I was at a gathering with my friends' families kids and my friend's cousin's son, who was about 4 was standing around and he's a mixed kid, very cute. And I mentioned something about it. Another cousin's kid who was pretty close called me out on not saying the same about her kid. And I told them their kid was good looking too, I didn't mean it in that way.
To be honest, I wasn't even thinking about it.
As far as doing that to somebody who is 40, that is just weird. I never comment on adults and their looks. Even away from their face and behind closed doors, I almost never compare people's looks, and certainly never comment on who is too good for who.
I come from a family of rather obese people. Truth. On maternal & paternal side. But for some reason I have problems gaining at all. So from childhood through adulthood at any gathering I was called out for being too thin. Except they call it skinny and that's a term I detest. The proverbial, "don't stand still or the wind will carry you off" kind of crap.
So basically they were doing the reverse of what OP is going through, acting as though because I'm 5'9" and weigh 128 pounds is not ok and should be my height and weigh 250-their weight.
One thing I did was announce to the family at one of these gatherings that,"It is rude and tacky to comment on anyone's weight. Ever! And perhaps,just maybe they should ALL think about that and perhaps work on themselves ,as I am very happy with my life and my weight. Thank you very much.
Ultimately what I did for my piece of mind is--I stopped attending these family gatherings. Ah.....life's great!
Just chiming in here to say that there are many men who are not like the older creepy guys in OP's family.
Not that we're all perfect but the comments OP describes is (what I hope is) the more rare trash type men that I think are dying out over the generations.
Just sayin’ this is not normal in my universe at all. Neither in my original or any in-law family (I’ve had a few!). And there have always been some really pretty females and a few that were quite overweight or less pretty.
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