Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
My adult daughter lives 3hrs away. See her maybe 7-10 days a year. She invited me on a trip to Hawaii. After first initial invite 2 months ago she said flight prices had doubled the next day and they were not going. Not really giving it another thought after that...I found out through a third source that they were still going to Hawaii a month later. Asked her if they were going after all and she replied yes. Well...sorta awkward. Initial invite was not discussed at that time. A week later she asked if I still wanted to go. Had a “What the heck” feeling about it but didn’t want to cause drama. Told her I was still interested in going even though there was still a feeling of awkwardness but just thought go with the flow and let initial awkwardness go. Well she wanted points with CC and asked if she could pay for my plane ticked with her CC. I said sure and promptly paid her cash to pay her back for the plane ticket. Well here’s when the second “What the heck” feeling comes in.They are staying for 11 days. A 2 bedroom condo has been rented. But she made my plane reservation for only 4 days....flying out late on the 5th day. I feel so uncomfortable and hurt with this situation. Really don’t want to even go now. Am I over reacting?
I suggest you go. And take a good attitude with you. Four days will be really fun. Focus on the fun and the chance to spend time with them. My son and his family were just here visiting for 4 days. We paid for them to spend one night on the Las Vegas strip (near our home) and it was fun for them and us to even take one day apart in their 4-day visit. 11 days is really a long time to spend in one spot unless you all are really used to being together. Spending time with your adult kids is a precious gift when they are also trying to raise a family and enrich their own family memories!
No you're not over reacting. This move is straight from my family's playbook, myself included..
Daughter is feeling conflicted and she's trying to mitigate her feelings (maybe other people's feelings too). She likely had a good time with you and thought it might be nice to take a trip with you. You agreed and maybe she wasn't expecting that and/or she started giving it serious thought, maybe she talked to a spouse/friend and that individual isn't as comfortable or even dislikes the idea of you going with them (that would be my husband in my case).
So she tried to back out.. and got caught...
She felt guilty, and felt bad and probably negotiated with the other person/people in the travel party and came to compromise: Invite mom, but not all the days.. They get some time with you, but they also get some time with just themselves.
Take from it what you will. I've been in your daughter's position my entire life. My mom and I get along so-so. We talk on the phone about once every week or two, but we only see each other 1-2x a year and even that is exhausting. Mom and I are cut from a different cloth and neither of us like each other's lifestyles or value systems. It's a mutual thing. We go through the motions of being family because of social norms more than genuine interest.
But from your stand point: Yeah, she doesn't want you around the whole time on that trip and/or there are other influences on her life that don't want you around the whole time on that trip. How could that not make you feel bad and self-conscious?
I would feel that I'm not as "loved" or as important as other people in my daughter's life. Of course, that might just be a feeling and not the "truth", but in my opinion truth is always best expressed through behavior.
To someone in this situation your presence is only wanted/tolerated for part of the time.
My adult daughter lives 3hrs away. See her maybe 7-10 days a year. She invited me on a trip to Hawaii. After first initial invite 2 months ago she said flight prices had doubled the next day and they were not going. Not really giving it another thought after that...I found out through a third source that they were still going to Hawaii a month later. Asked her if they were going after all and she replied yes. Well...sorta awkward. Initial invite was not discussed at that time. A week later she asked if I still wanted to go. Had a “What the heck” feeling about it but didn’t want to cause drama. Told her I was still interested in going even though there was still a feeling of awkwardness but just thought go with the flow and let initial awkwardness go. Well she wanted points with CC and asked if she could pay for my plane ticked with her CC. I said sure and promptly paid her cash to pay her back for the plane ticket. Well here’s when the second “What the heck” feeling comes in.They are staying for 11 days. A 2 bedroom condo has been rented. But she made my plane reservation for only 4 days....flying out late on the 5th day. I feel so uncomfortable and hurt with this situation. Really don’t want to even go now. Am I over reacting?
I don't feel you are overreacting, it's normal to have those feelings after what happened...
it just depends how you handle it.
If you do go you'd likely have an awesome time...if you don't, you'll be sitting at home upset about the ordeal.
You're right: it's awkward. But I suggest you try to put the hurt behind you and go on the trip. Be a good traveling companion (no complaining, no demanding) so everyone looks back on the experience as a good one.
I suggest you go. And take a good attitude with you. Four days will be really fun. Focus on the fun and the chance to spend time with them. My son and his family were just here visiting for 4 days. We paid for them to spend one night on the Las Vegas strip (near our home) and it was fun for them and us to even take one day apart in their 4-day visit. 11 days is really a long time to spend in one spot unless you all are really used to being together. Spending time with your adult kids is a precious gift when they are also trying to raise a family and enrich their own family memories!
I like this! ^
You take a negative situation and turn it around to find the positive. I wish I could do this more often! Instead I hold on to the bad feelings as if somehow they will eventually go away on their own.
Maybe if daughter was more upfront about the whole thing it wouldn't feel so cringy.
I just like everyone being straightforward about their feelings/thoughts.
My adult daughter lives 3hrs away. See her maybe 7-10 days a year. She invited me on a trip to Hawaii. After first initial invite 2 months ago she said flight prices had doubled the next day and they were not going. Not really giving it another thought after that...I found out through a third source that they were still going to Hawaii a month later. Asked her if they were going after all and she replied yes. Well...sorta awkward. Initial invite was not discussed at that time. A week later she asked if I still wanted to go. Had a “What the heck” feeling about it but didn’t want to cause drama. Told her I was still interested in going even though there was still a feeling of awkwardness but just thought go with the flow and let initial awkwardness go. Well she wanted points with CC and asked if she could pay for my plane ticked with her CC. I said sure and promptly paid her cash to pay her back for the plane ticket. Well here’s when the second “What the heck” feeling comes in.They are staying for 11 days. A 2 bedroom condo has been rented. But she made my plane reservation for only 4 days....flying out late on the 5th day. I feel so uncomfortable and hurt with this situation. Really don’t want to even go now. Am I over reacting?
Yeah you are being jerked around. You probably should not have brought it up with her after hearing from someone else that she was still going after she told you she wasn't. Things should not be this awkward between grown parent and child. Doesn't sound like it would be a fun trip but you already paid.
I suggest you go. And take a good attitude with you. Four days will be really fun. Focus on the fun and the chance to spend time with them. My son and his family were just here visiting for 4 days. We paid for them to spend one night on the Las Vegas strip (near our home) and it was fun for them and us to even take one day apart in their 4-day visit. 11 days is really a long time to spend in one spot unless you all are really used to being together. Spending time with your adult kids is a precious gift when they are also trying to raise a family and enrich their own family memories!
Four days isn't much depending on where you're flying from. I live in CA and it's 6 hours to Hawaii. If the OP lives in the Midwest or east it's much longer and will most likely include changing planes. And you can't count the day you arrive/leave as day there.
OP has a right to be hurt, sounds like she is being used.
Sometimes people impulsively invite mothers, fathers to events, vacations, trips with them without clearing it with spouse. Finds out spouse isn't keen on the idea then has to figure out how to take the trip without Mom/Dan knowing or taking them along.
When that has happens to me I say "clear it with spouse first".
I always am up front with anyone I have plans with that I know life is uncertain and that stuff happens that can change the dynamics of a situation. If plans have to be changed, cancelled, just be upfront with me and don't wait until the last minute. Of course I'd expect my money back.
Communication is the key. Sorry for your situation. It can be very disappointing and cause distrust when there should be open discussion and explanation.
Last edited by 4dognight; 02-18-2019 at 09:46 AM..
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
