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Your harsh judgements of your son in law will only keep you alienated from your family. She loves and married him. He sounds like a responsible stay at home dad right now.
Please find something else to obsess about, for the sake of the whole family. If you “can’t look” at your son in law, you won’t be looking at your grandchild much either.
My brother-in-law gave my sister the best advice when my niece had been dating her loser boyfriend for five years: "she has eyes."
Having said that, we have an only daughter and would be distressed to think our hard earned savings were going to support a spouse's lifestyle choices (if that is truly the case). I assume you can't change what has already been set up but I would be careful to minimize financial support going forward so as not to become a reliable source of income.
Ultimately, I am sure you care most about your daughter's happiness and you may be inadvertently adding to that stress by criticizing her husband's situation. Sometime when my daughter relates a distressing situation especially involving a friend/boyfriend, I just say "how can I help you" "Is there anything I can do."
Support your daughter emotionally. That's about all you can do. Be sympathetic but stay out of it. Although you don't like him, maybe/hopefully, she loves him.
If she does end up leaving him, she's going to need all the support you can give.
It doesn't remotely sound like your SIL is a loser but it does sound like you think your daughter is fragile and can't hold up when times get tough. Their "plight" is just part of normal life ups and downs for couples in this day and age. Let them work it out themselves.
Don't diss her husband in front of your daughter. Support their marriage as gracefully as you can muster. In the scope of things, it is still early days.
I have five sons. They're all grown and married and have children. Their wives all work, except for one who was a teacher but lost her life to cancer. We are all on good terms.
I don't know how much money they make or how many jobs they've had. I know where they currently work but that's because they freely shared that with me. I know about the young children and their activities and the grown ones not so much.
It sounds like you know too much about the inner workings of your daughter's marriage and that can't be good for you. The knowing seems to be very stressful. It might be a good idea for you to discourage your daughter from "sharing" the details.
Why? It's none of your business. If they have a good relationship, then the money situation would be something they discussed together. I doubt she went out and got a tutoring job in secret, it would be something they decided together. You seem to know way too much about their relationship, but you dont know everything. Your daughter really shouldn't even be venting about her marriage problems to you if your going to become angry at her husbanf because of it.
Quote:
Should he be willing to move for a decent job?
Should he be willing to take a lesser job to bring in money?
The question isn't "should he..." They're married, they need to decide these things together and come up with a solution that is best for their family.
Should they be willing to move for a decent job? Maybe... But that is for them to decide, not you.
Of course it's their decision as a married couple but I can have empathy that she is rightly concerned about her daughter -- working two jobs; SIL maintaining condo which adds to financial burden; use of daughter's LLC funds for living expenses that mother hoped would be for daughter's retirement. For her daughter's benefit, she will need to grin and bear it but I understand her concern.
How do you keep from going nuts about this situation? I’d say by minding your own business and accept your daughter made her own choices and who she married. You seem far too involved in knowing about your daughter’s marriage and financial circumstances.
Perhaps you and your husband can help redirect her venting to more appropriate channels. As much as I struggle with my dil at times I would never let my son complain about her to me. Talk about a recipe for in law resentments, anger, etc.
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