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Hugs to you OP and know you have those of us who are familiar with the hurt that abandonment can bring. Parents are supposedly wired to love their offspring so they can nurture and protect. Some of got parents whose wiring is frayed. I had the added bonus of a narcissistic mother and abusive stepfather but I digress.
I hope you do get counseling. For years I resisted because I didn’t think I should have to pay twice: once for the issues and twice for the therapy. I hope you do find a professional to help you get through this. I finally did but at a later age. Just know that none of this is your fault and that you are capable of being loved by others. My very very best to you.
I would add him. He's your father and it will at least let him know that you'd like a relationship. And it will give him an incentive to respond. Time has a way of healing and helping all to grow. Just try not to dwell on the past.
He knows you exist. That should be incentive enough for him to reach out to you. It's not.
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Originally Posted by inquisitive2
No matter how it turns out it would be good for the both of you to make contact.
This is not necessarily true. It could be a terrible waste of time and extremely damaging.
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Originally Posted by inquisitive2
You love him because he is your father, not because of what he did or didn't do.
He has done nothing to deserve your love. He has destroyed the relationship.
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Originally Posted by inquisitive2
Trust in God to help you!
God has already "helped" you by giving you this weak man for a father.
Again, as I said, I have been through this.
I wish you well.
My parents have never been together but i always had bi weekly visits with him growing up until he got married and changed his phone number, cutting off all communication because his new wife was jealous he had a life before her. This happened 9 years ago and i came across his profile on facebook and debated adding him. But I'm so scared he won't accept. And if he does then what? I'm worried one day I'll find out he passed away and wonder what could have been. I figure if i add him i made an attempt to reach out and if he rejects it that's on him. I don't know if I'll be able to take another rejection from him. What would you do?
Protect YOURSELF. I would not. He did it before and he could do it again. Please don't ask him to be your "Friend". He isn't your friend. He's your father.
My parents have never been together but i always had bi weekly visits with him growing up until he got married and changed his phone number, cutting off all communication because his new wife was jealous he had a life before her. This happened 9 years ago and i came across his profile on facebook and debated adding him. But I'm so scared he won't accept. And if he does then what? I'm worried one day I'll find out he passed away and wonder what could have been. I figure if i add him i made an attempt to reach out and if he rejects it that's on him. I don't know if I'll be able to take another rejection from him. What would you do?
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Originally Posted by mellyy
I'm sorry about your father. How noble of him to help out a woman with 9 children while neglecting his own child. What a scumbag
His mother (my grandmother) passed away before he married his wife. I have aunts and uncles and at christmas dinners my uncles ignored my brother and i completely. In the 10 years i knew them they never spoke a word to me. My aunt passed away from cancer and my other aunt cut off all communication with the entire family when her partner died of cancer. My father is the youngest and he's in his 50s. His numerous siblings are all in their late 50s and 60s so they might not be alive anymore. Who knows
Let's call your father what he really is, a sperm donor; SD for short. My son has one too that's 57. I can't count the times we were meeting fathers for weekend pickup, he was no call no show. No cell phones back then. We'd wait an hour tops while my poor son was crushed in the back. He had his wife who was a school teacher that would come down hard on my son when he did see him when we were local. My son didn't like her. He actually cheated on me when I gave birth to my son with her when she was his bar tender so I didn't like her either. They're still together. My son is 33.
When my son wanted to go to college, my son was awarded his SD pay 75% of his college. This was the 1st time SD ever called my son to meet at our drop off point on the garden state parkway. I told my son not to go but he did. SD proceeded to tell him he's a (their last name) that no one has gone to college or the ones that did dropped out. He told him he didn't deserve to go. My son was going to the Art Institute of Philadelphia which he did deserve to go to; he was a great artists and did but thanks to SD my son fell into a huge depression and failed both quarters. He also had roommate issues. He decided to move home and try one more quarter then dropped out. SD got his wish. To this day he doesn't pick up a drawing pad due to SD.
Of course when child support ended he wanted to have a relationship with my son but my son said eff you! He calls my son on his birthday and holidays but my son doesn't reach out to him. My son was invited to his 50th birthday and didn't go. SD's aunt took my son every other weekend when he was little so he was involved with his paternal cousins. She also made sure we spoke for Thanksgiving and Christmas while I was local and when I moved an hour away, he just did Christmas and winter break with that side. SD's mother was in South Carolina (SD would follow her there) and would come up to stay for the week so between the great aunt and grandma he was kept in the loop on that side, even being invited to birthdays until his 107 year old great grandma passed 6 days shy of her 108th birthday. SD didn't come up for any family functions except funerals.
I tell my son's experience so you see there are more like your SD.
You don't appear to have the option to know your other paternal side and that's a huge shame. You may want to do your family tree while you may be able to fill it in for that side with obituaries of the ones that died if they're still online. Keep an eye on who passes. Maybe even do DNA, I can tell you how. You may end up finding some paternal cousins who are gems who will then keep you in the loop on who does what. You're older and can make your own rules. If you want to know some family, seek it out. Just not the SD yet until one of them tells you he has cancer or some heart issue.
Your SD is only in his 50's. I wouldn't contact him. Wait until he's older but then again, you have a 50/50 chance he'd accept the request now that there's no child support unless he's worried you're looking for it for your mother. You are now the one in charge like my son. You can also send the request and if he declines can send him an eff you message. He'll now know you know he's on FB. You can have the last laugh so to speak. The ball is in your court, whatever you feel you want to do with it. Good luck.
1. His wife may not know (if she isn't on facebook), so this gives him a way to access you without her knowing. This theory goes out the window if she is on facebook as she would instantly see you two became friends
2. Facebook could give him a line of communication to build up to a face to face. Like in the old days, sending a letter to open up a line of communication.
If you get blown off, at least you gave it a shot and can't blame yourself for the rest of your life!
My dad abandoned us when we were little. He did keep contact with my older brother. But that was mostly my brother.
I answered the phone one Sunday afternoon. There he was wanting to reconnect. I did tell him he had 3 grandkids. And that he could KMA on the courthouse steps.
Like the woman said,'when someone tells you who they are, believe them'.
My parents have never been together but i always had bi weekly visits with him growing up until he got married and changed his phone number, cutting off all communication because his new wife was jealous he had a life before her. This happened 9 years ago and i came across his profile on facebook and debated adding him. But I'm so scared he won't accept. And if he does then what? I'm worried one day I'll find out he passed away and wonder what could have been. I figure if i add him i made an attempt to reach out and if he rejects it that's on him. I don't know if I'll be able to take another rejection from him. What would you do?
That's exactly what happened to me! It's like you are telling my story. My dad's wife is so jealous and he has always chosen her over me, probably because he doesn't want to deal with awful arguments and confrontations; I don't know. They have been married 35 years. But nothing ever changed. He never defended me to her. After asking and wanting him to be there for me, crying and crying and feeling terrible about it, I decided to protect my emotional health. I gave up all hope that my dad would be an emotionally an/or physically supportive dad and spend time with those who really care about me instead. I cut him out of my life completely. He had many chances. Even though I still miss him, I feel better now. Life cannot always be what we want. But we only get one shot at it; it's our choice how to live it. I'm not going to waste any more time feeling disappointed and wishing for something that won't happen.
I was like you, always trying, hoping, praying that I could have a caring father.
My father maintained a relationship only to use us. When he needed something, he called. When I pleaded with him to send his grandchildren a birthday or Christmas card, he refused. He didn't come to birthday parties, graduations, piano recital, nothing. BUT, he had a massive heart attack, I visited him ever day at the hospital (in NYC which meant I had to pay $30 a day for parking). I brought him prepared foods while he recovered at home.
Nothing I did, ever changed our relationship. Same for my sister.
He died in Oct 2018, he disinherited his children and grandchildren. He made sure we knew we were nothing to him even after death.
After asking and wanting him to be there for me, crying and crying and feeling terrible about it, I decided to protect my emotional health. I gave up all hope that my dad would be an emotionally an/or physically supportive dad and spend time with those who really care about me instead. I cut him out of my life completely. He had many chances. Even though I still miss him, I feel better now. Life cannot always be what we want. But we only get one shot at it; it's our choice how to live it. I'm not going to waste any more time feeling disappointed and wishing for something that won't happen.
This is the best option.
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