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Sorry this is confusing. It's hard to type out an entire convo. How did I contradict myself? Perhaps this is because I am struggling with the situation.
1. Jealous? No. He's a friend of mine but not nearly as close as I was with her. I'm married and have a very big life so no, not jealous of the time she spent with him. But as far as friendship goes, it would have been nice to have conversations about her kids, or her day at work or her future plans. Instead it was, he did this, he did that, I'm going to break up with him - for YEARS.
2. I asked her to hang out due to guilt and that feeling of "I should be the better person". It's a people-pleasing tactic and I see that now.
I think I understand where you're coming from LoveMyPet. It's not easy dumping a friendship. Am I understanding that your bottom line is that she's not what you want in a friendship? Yet, there's that nagging feeling for the familiar? You had a great time together....sometimes, and that part is hard to give up. Yet, there is that nagging feeling that this isn't what I want? It would be helpful to know exactly why your ex friend is now upset with you. What did you say to her that upset her so much? Is that where the guilt is coming from?
I had a friend for a few years that I had to walk away from. We were very close, and I'm a giver by nature. I took her to procedures, was sitting there for her surgery, made every single birthday for her special, and went all out for their 10th anniversary. We rented a limo and took them out for a night of music and good food. I even spent a week working on their new house on my dime as well, not to mention helping them move in.
Fast forward to a milestone birthday and my invitation to have a small party with my closet friends on our dime at a restaurant and being turned down because of an annual Christmas party. It killed the friendship right then and there.
Yes, I also wrestled with the loss of the close times and fun we had together. We were like sisters at one point, but then you analyze the relationship. When you discover that it was indeed you giving and giving and getting little back? The resentment sets in.
Like you I was as kind as I could be about ending the relationship. It's always a hurtful experience on both sides. I saw her shortly after in a store and she came running up to me and gave me a hug. She said "you have no idea how much I missed you and I'm sorry for whatever I did." Okay, but doesn't that mean that you really still don't get it, and the same pattern would occur if we were friends again?
I don't hate her, and there are times I miss having that closeness we had, and the laughs. The reality is that it will never be the same again. We both know that.
I went to her mother's funeral and gave her a hug. Her husband suggested that we renew our friendship, but I declined. I made it clear that we we were not enemies but we will never be friends again either.
Does that make me feel guilty? No. Sometimes relationships just don't work out. I'm a tad puzzled as to why you feel guilty? Is it connected to something harsh you said to her?
It would be helpful to know exactly why your ex friend is now upset with you. What did you say to her that upset her so much? Is that where the guilt is coming from?
I don't know why the guilt. I think it's this. She sent me a text saying that [paraphrasing] she didn't want the friendship to end, and felt that she was a good friend to me, and that my words were "hard to swallow". I responded saying that I was at work and would get back to her when I could.
I probably shouldn't have responded like that. Because now I feel on the hook to respond, when I don't really want to. It's not something I'd want to say in a text anyhow, and I really don't want to call her.
I really resonated with your post. It's exactly how I feel.
Without knowing exactly, I'd guess that she believes I was saying she wasn't really there for me. Those aren't the words I used, but I did say that while she was consumed with her boyfriend over the past year, life went on and I missed the friendship we used to have. I told her that I felt that she was consumed with her boyfriend and was basically on a never-ending merry-go-round with him (break up, get back together, break up, get back together - over and over again). She complained about the same problems year after year. And the last year she called every day wanting to talk about it, insisted I answer her texts, and one time claimed she "really needed me" - so I dropped everything to call and only hear about the same exact problems I'd been hearing about for the last several years. She blew off plans we made a few times, and kept saying we'd get together and never did. I invited her to lots of events.
When she did finally call to say she broke up with him and wanted to know how I was doing - I told her the above. That I had all kinds of things happen to me and wanted to talk to her but couldn't. That I wished we were the friends we used to be and I missed hanging out with her. I felt that she repeatedly chose her boyfriend/drama over our friendship and eventually I tired of it.
So that's where I think the hurt comes from. I wasn't mean or intentionally hurtful, but I can see how it'd hurt. I don't think there's any way around that kind of conversation. After the talk, I didn't hear from her for months. And then the text. So that's where we are now.
Like you, I don't hate her. And I've worked relentlessly on the resentment I gained similar to the one you obtained after reflecting on the relationship. After all, I certainly had a part in things so my resentment is not something to blame entirely on her. I could have chosen to speak up sooner, take action sooner. Instead of wishing, hoping that things would get better.
I feel like my text left things hanging. Like I need to close the loop. But I don't want more damage or drama. So how do I go about that?
I don't know why the guilt. I think it's this. She sent me a text saying that [paraphrasing] she didn't want the friendship to end, and felt that she was a good friend to me, and that my words were "hard to swallow". I responded saying that I was at work and would get back to her when I could.
I feel like my text left things hanging. Like I need to close the loop. But I don't want more damage or drama. So how do I go about that?
Thanks for letting me talk/type it out.
I feel for you, and I've been on both sides of this coin. But by NOT answering your texts, your former friend has closed the loop for you. Let it (and her) go. She was using you as an unpaid counselor / therapist.
I unfortunately did this to a friend years ago and she wrote me an email telling me that she felt used and felt that I was not interested in her life or her problems, and it was all about me whenever we got together. I felt horrible and I apologized but we drifted apart. I could never forget how I made her feel, and she was embarrassed that she wrote the email... but things were never the same. I invited her to my wedding, she RSVP'd Yes, then didn't show up or call. I never tried to contact her again... that is all the message I needed.
I'm your age - 46 year old female..... sometimes you just have to let things die a natural death.
I feel for you, and I've been on both sides of this coin. But by NOT answering your texts, your former friend has closed the loop for you. Let it (and her) go. She was using you as an unpaid counselor / therapist.
I unfortunately did this to a friend years ago and she wrote me an email telling me that she felt used and felt that I was not interested in her life or her problems, and it was all about me whenever we got together. I felt horrible and I apologized but we drifted apart. I could never forget how I made her feel, and she was embarrassed that she wrote the email... but things were never the same. I invited her to my wedding, she RSVP'd Yes, then didn't show up or call. I never tried to contact her again... that is all the message I needed.
I'm your age - 46 year old female..... sometimes you just have to let things die a natural death.
Thanks so much for sharing your experience. One correction/clarification:
In the past, she would ignore texts. But this time, I'm the last texter. I said I'd get back with her. I have not. That's the part that's bothering me. But every day that goes by gets better and easier to let it go.
Has anyone here had a friendship with someone they no longer want to continue? It's been hard for me as I don't want to hurt her feelings. But as time has gone on I've realized how one-sided things were, and this sounds horrible but I really don't want to continue the friendship. After we separated a bit I did send her 2 invites to hang out but she declined. Then, weeks later she texts me about how she feels that she was a good friend to me. I told her I'd get back with her but have not yet.
See, the way we kind of separated was I finally told her how I was feeling about the one-sidedness. Before, I just kept my trap shut but I was getting really tired of it. Everytime we talked, she'd talk nonstop about her boyfriend. Pretty much all the time. All about her and her boyfriend. It didn't matter if I said I had to go, she kept talking. Didn't matter if I was at work, she'd call and call anyway. It got really exhausting.
She finally broke up with the guy for the 2nd or 3rd time but honestly she's got a lot of emotional problems. She can't seem to be alone and has no hobbies. It's just not the kind of friendship I want.
I feel bad about the whole thing. And like I said, I don't want to hurt her!
Sounds like you did okay. You were honest, and not mean.
Still, it doesn't have to be all-or-nothing. You could see her once or twice a year, and if she presses for more, you can say that you just find it difficult with her constant boyfriend complaint and that you're used to more conversational breadth.
Sounds like you did okay. You were honest, and not mean.
Still, it doesn't have to be all-or-nothing. You could see her once or twice a year, and if she presses for more, you can say that you just find it difficult with her constant boyfriend complaint and that you're used to more conversational breadth.
I think she's over the constant boyfriend thing as they broke up.
This is so awkward. I've never really been in this position - or at least I didn't deal with it in an adult manner.
Has anyone here had a friendship with someone they no longer want to continue? It's been hard for me as I don't want to hurt her feelings. But as time has gone on I've realized how one-sided things were, and this sounds horrible but I really don't want to continue the friendship. After we separated a bit I did send her 2 invites to hang out but she declined. Then, weeks later she texts me about how she feels that she was a good friend to me. I told her I'd get back with her but have not yet.
See, the way we kind of separated was I finally told her how I was feeling about the one-sidedness. Before, I just kept my trap shut but I was getting really tired of it. Everytime we talked, she'd talk nonstop about her boyfriend. Pretty much all the time. All about her and her boyfriend. It didn't matter if I said I had to go, she kept talking. Didn't matter if I was at work, she'd call and call anyway. It got really exhausting.
She finally broke up with the guy for the 2nd or 3rd time but honestly she's got a lot of emotional problems. She can't seem to be alone and has no hobbies. It's just not the kind of friendship I want.
I feel bad about the whole thing. And like I said, I don't want to hurt her!
I wouldn't feel badly, maybe you both just outgrew each other....move on....remember the good times...
I wouldn't feel badly, maybe you both just outgrew each other....move on....remember the good times...
Definitely time to move on. I'm ready to stop carrying this giant rock on my shoulder. I think I blew it up to a mountain when it was really a tiny hill. Thanks for your post!
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