Over concerned parent. Advice please. (boyfriend, person, member, holidays)

[Mlove87]

I will start from the begining to make this easier to under stand.
Last October I was in horrible relationship, working at Wal-mart, living with my mother..stuck in the same state I was born in with no hope of ever leaving or ever doing anything of importance. I was also severly unhappy and depressed.
Well at the end of October I was online, livejournal (journaling site for those not in the know)
and I stumbled across this page where you can text people who are looking for people to talk to. This guys listing struck my eye. He was intelligent, funny, and just all around amazing. We will call him E.
well we hit it off so much so that I dumped the guy I had been with. we well call him R . R was still living in Mexcio, smoking pot and skateboarding..no job and E had just gotten out of a relationship months before..he was trying to turn his life around...stop drinking. etc.
well anyways we started dating long distance. we would talk on the phone for hours. than by November we made plans for him to fly from Oregon to Minnesota for christmas..
when I first met him in person it was like the hole that was inside of me had been filled..
well he stayed at my moms house for about a week.. I will admit I didn't share him with my family too much.
well for a month or so before that we had discussed me moving out there in the spring..(to Oregon) how much i wanted to..I didn't discuss it with my mom..until December..probably a big mistake..It was E's last night there..and my mom was in hysterics with my grandma..
My grandma was onmy side. I am 21 I should bee able to choose where I go.
Well christmas eve when we dropped him off at the Airport.
we were supposed to go with the family to celebrate..but she didn't tell me they canceled till we got home.
I am sitting in my room and I hear the front door slam..
she texts me five minuets later saying
"she doesn't want to live anymore and she is going to walk until she passes out."
So i called the police on her..and an hour or so later she comes home. the police come soon after I called them back and haul her off to the hospital.
she said if I move she would not live through it.
that i should be thnking of her happiness and her feelings and everyone elses feelings.
well I moved to Oregon...but
My mom is still taking it pretty hard even though I text pretty much every day and call when I can. I am 21..I have been looking for a new job, and trying to start a new life with my boyfriend. I get along well with his family and everything. My mother had been emailing my boyfriend trying to get invloved more and to know him better. He works a full time job. We are both usually busy in the day. well it's come to a point where she had been sending several long emails, harassing me to talk to him to get him to answer her emails. She thinks its wrong, rude and just giving her red flags about why he won't answer...to be honset..if someone was harassing me like that I would not answer. I told her to wait.
I have talked to him..he doesn't respond to someone who is hysterical.

I have tried telling her everything. "it's my life, I am an adult. it's my relationship not yours."
She thinks it's wrong he doesn't want a relationship with my family. Being from my family, I don't want a relationship with them..so I don't blame anyone. she is now threatening to come with some of my family and see what's going on...not to drag me back (but I know that's what they will try to do...) She has already bribed me with money. I know she is my mother...and I would probably understand if I had kids..but how am I suppose to start my own life if she is trying to ruin my relationship.

she took it to another level
One night a month or more ago..me and E were eating dinner I told my mom I couldn't talk..
well she freaked out I wasn't replying....she thought the worse like he might of killed me..
she was of course being irrational..
so she called the cops..they came over to check on me..
well than I called her after I told the cops everything is fine...I was okay...I was just lying down watching a movie.
but when I called her I snapped and started yelling at her.
she was saying how this isn't the man I should be with because he doesn't want to deal with my crazy family..
well i don't want to deal with them either especially when one of them calls the cops!!
I mean hey were threatening to fly out here to ask him "what the hell his problem is?"
they think he will just start beating me and trying to kill me all because they don't really know him...
well I do know him...I have tried to explain..
II am no longer a child..
I mean sure I can let them fly out here..there is nothing they can do. They can't drag me back
they have also threatened to have me institutionalized...just because I am staying with someone who doesn't have an intrest in my family..
but he has already told me..he would get to know them..when we fly out there for holidays..

well its june now..I have been here since March..
she was fine for alittle while
but now last night she started it up again
saying how everyone wants me to come back..
how I don't love her..how I only care about my self..how she wishes she would just die..
and how she won't be careful anymore so she will die quicker..
well I contact my grandma..and told her to talk to and pray for her..because I am at a loss of what to do..
I moved out of that house and that state for a reason..
she was too negative all the time..if a little thing went wrong she complained how much she hated her life..
I like being a positive person but growing up in a family of negative and people who worry too much..starts to wear a person thin.

I really don't know what to do..I feel helpless
I have had bad nightmares about being back there and just feeling trapped..
and just wanting to come back here to Oregon.

just a little back ground info on me..
I am 21(if I didn't say that more than once)
I have been dating E 8 months today..we have talked about Marriage several times already.
I went to college for two years..dropped out because I couldn't afford anymore.
I was almost done with all my generals.
I don't have a permit or a liscence ( I get bad text anxiety..I have been studying OR manual though)
I grew up in a fairly christian home (my mother was more of a hypocrite though..)
since moving to oregon..I have been job hunting..Gardening..just doing things I have always wanted to do..
and I am still looking for medical so I can get a dang root canal.. so much pain..*ouch*

-M

[MoonBeam33]

I won't comment on your situation with your boyfriend, but I will say that your mom sounds like a hysterical, toxic woman who only thinks of herself, and it's a good thing you got out of her house while you could still have a relationship with her. Best of luck to you!

[ilovebdj]

Wow sweetie, that's a lot on your plate.

First let me say congratulations for taking a leap of faith and doing what most young adults have done in your situation....cut the cord. It is very difficult to keep so many people happy at once. The great thing about life is that everyone has one, and we should all concentrate on making ourselves happy. You don't say much about your new boyfriend except that he thinks your family is crazy, and also he would be willing to try to get to know them in perhaps a more calm atmosphere. As long as he isn't hitting you or anything that your mom may think, and you are happy, then you have the answers already.

I would phone your mom when you've had a good day, perhaps after tending to the garden. I would then let her know that you love her....and that she is going to have to trust the good upbringing that she gave to you to allow yourself to be an adult and make your own decisions. At this point I would also tell her that while you are "checking in" so she doesn't worry, this is certainly not a requirement of you being her daughter.

I would end it with this....now that you are an adult you will expect to be treated as an adult. This means no calling the cops, no harrassing your boyfriend, etc. You expect to be treated with RESPECT. If she is unable to treat you in the manner that you feel you deserve, I would inform her that the next time she flies off the handle or goes looney tunes on you, you will be ceasing contact. You cannot have your mother controlling your life, especially when this is a turning point for you.

It may be hard to do, but I bet a week or two without contact might make her change her mind. I'd also let her know if she contacts the cops again you'll be filing charges. Life is chaotic enough without having cops showing up at your house unannounced!

Lastly, and this might be a stretch....I would seek out a family member you trust that could possibly have your mother evaluated. Sounds like she *may* be suffering from some serious mental issues of her own. This kind of behavior sounds controlling to say the least, but more like bizarre and concern-worthy.

Good luck, and remember: it's YOUR life. You choose where the path is.....

[ilovebdj]

PS - You may want to move this to the Relationship forum.....you may get more responses over there.....

[Mlove87]

thank you for your responses. They are most helpful.
I only now just realized I didn't say to much about my boyfriend.
he just turned 24. He works full time front desk at a hotel.
He used to be in a lot of trouble 3 years ago..but now he has managed to turn things around.
He treats me with respect..we don't really fight and if we do..we calmy talk things out..he gets along with his family..and we live in a house with three of his close friends(our part of the house isn't directly connected to theirs)
he takes good care of me..makes sure I am always happy..