Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I had a friendship much like yours - he was my best friend for years, even professed to be my soulmate (platonic, of course) - and he dropped me like a bomb when he met a girl that just did not care for me at all. It wasn't really him so much, but she just could not handle having me around him because we were so close. He disappeared for about a year and I was devastated. He wandered back into my life for a shoulder to lean on when things went bad, and I let him back in. Soon enough, he was gone again to her and when he tried to come back a second time, I was over it.
Like Denny said, I argued with him about just sending a quick email or making a simple phone call. He just didn't get it. It became an all or nothing thing, so I stepped back, quit trying, and we drifted. I was the only one holding it together and when I let go, that was it.
There is absolutely nothing keeping anyone from communicating in some way. When I'm in a relationship I still find a way to keep in touch with my friends - even if it's a phone call during lunch at work. I make a point to see them at least once a week just to catch up - dinner, coffee, I've even gone grocery shopping with friends just to see them.
I think it's about the value you place on your friendships. If you can so easily walk away, then you weren't much of a friend to begin with. Sharing that important part of your life - finding love - is something you should want to share with your friends, not shut them out of.
In your situation, is quite different than just a regular friend. The simple fact that he was a guy and you are a girl can be intimidating to many women. He was probably not the one who made the decision to drop you for a year. It was clearly her. But even though he said he was your soulmate, clearly he wanted a physical relationship with a woman, not just a platonic friendship. I beleive that he is still your friend, but he is her mate and they do always come first. There should be no tug of war. Mates come first.
I had a friendship much like yours - he was my best friend for years, even professed to be my soulmate (platonic, of course) - and he dropped me like a bomb when he met a girl that just did not care for me at all. It wasn't really him so much, but she just could not handle having me around him because we were so close. He disappeared for about a year and I was devastated. He wandered back into my life for a shoulder to lean on when things went bad, and I let him back in. Soon enough, he was gone again to her and when he tried to come back a second time, I was over it.
Like Denny said, I argued with him about just sending a quick email or making a simple phone call. He just didn't get it. It became an all or nothing thing, so I stepped back, quit trying, and we drifted. I was the only one holding it together and when I let go, that was it.
There is absolutely nothing keeping anyone from communicating in some way. When I'm in a relationship I still find a way to keep in touch with my friends - even if it's a phone call during lunch at work. I make a point to see them at least once a week just to catch up - dinner, coffee, I've even gone grocery shopping with friends just to see them.
I think it's about the value you place on your friendships. If you can so easily walk away, then you weren't much of a friend to begin with. Sharing that important part of your life - finding love - is something you should want to share with your friends, not shut them out of.
My best friend and I met at work 5 years ago. About a year later I got the opportunity to join his department, which included our cubicles being right next to each other. Naturally we started talking, and after a while I expressed an interest in hanging out with him outside of work. He politely refused. I wouldn't have called it a date per se, but I did want to get to know him a little bit better. Eventually we started talking more and even hung out a few times. The problem was I was always the one to initate contact, whether it be a text, email, etc. It SUCKED for the longest time, because I knew he liked the friendship, but he just never made any effort to make it so it wasn't just one-sided. This went on for a few years, until one spectacular day HE miraculiously initiated. It went that way for another year, and we find ourselves in our current situation--which is having no contact whatsoever. My reasons for not keeping contact with him any further are because of how I was treated for so many years by him. If he wants to continue a friendship with me, HE's going to have to be the one to initiate it. If he doesn't, then I know where I stand. It may seem juvenile, but if you only knew what he said when he came over last week to drop the bomb on me. He told me he loved me, started crying, and pleaded that things don't change because he's "talking" to a new girl. It's been a week and I've heard from him ONCE. He sent me an email on Wednesday that said: "Hope you're doing ok. I just wanted to let you know I'm taking a few days off to spend more time getting to know *****." and that was it. Could he possibly rub the salt in any further?
The simple fact that he was a guy and you are a girl can be intimidating to many women. He was probably not the one who made the decision to drop you for a year. It was clearly her. But even though he said he was your soulmate, clearly he wanted a physical relationship with a woman, not just a platonic friendship. I beleive that he is still your friend, but he is her mate and they do always come first. There should be no tug of war. Mates come first.
Many women can't handle it if their guy is close friends with another woman. But if a guy distances himself from a friend because his girlfriend can't handle it, then that just means she's insecure and he's spineless and a lousy friend. If one of my female friends suddenly stopped hanging out with me because her BF didn't approve, I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like that. A good partner would never make their SO choose between them and their partner's friend. To the women here, how would you feel if your partner told you he wasn't comfortable with your friends? Chances are, most of you wouldn't take too kindly to that. Who'd want a partner that pressures you to chose between them and your friends? Good friends are hard to come by in this world and I would not let any wife or GF tell me how I could be friends with.
When I started to date my husband, my 'best friend' of over 15 years dropped out of my life. She permanently disappeared when we got married. SHE did this, I did not drop her.
Basically she liked me being the one without a boyfriend...once I had one, well, she had nothing to trump me with...
That is pretty sad. Some people can't stand it if their friends have something they don't. Instead of being happy for them, they wallow in their misery.
Many women can't handle it if their guy is close friends with another woman. But if a guy distances himself from a friend because his girlfriend can't handle it, then that just means she's insecure and he's spineless and a lousy friend. If one of my female friends suddenly stopped hanging out with me because her BF didn't approve, I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like that. A good partner would never make their SO choose between them and their partner's friend. To the women here, how would you feel if your partner told you he wasn't comfortable with your friends? Chances are, most of you wouldn't take too kindly to that. Who'd want a partner that pressures you to chose between them and your friends? Good friends are hard to come by in this world and I would not let any wife or GF tell me how I could be friends with.
I used to have a boyfriend who asked me to drop this particular friend I had. I never caved in. But eventually he came around and stopped pressuring me. That's when I decided that I didn't want him getting jealous and I'm the one who chose to pause my friendship with this other guy. It was important for me to make him feel that I was putting him first. Otherwise, he wouldn't have been my boyfriend, he would of simply been my friend, or a lover, if I didn't care about him.
And not that I've ever done it, but if a particular woman was threatening to my relationship with a guy, I would tell him in no uncertain terms to choose between her and I. Luckily, that situation hasn't arised, and the female friends of my boyfriend's have all been good people I didn't mistrust and who had someone in their life as well.
That is pretty sad. Some people can't stand it if their friends have something they don't. Instead of being happy for them, they wallow in their misery.
I totally agree. As I've said before, this is primarily a thing that women do or, are most affected by. Its like their world is crumbling down around them if their friend (who they should be happy for) is spending time with someone special.
When I started dating my wife, lot of my buddies kinda started giving me a bit of a hard time (but jokingly) for not hanging out as much. When I finally brought her to meet them at a bbq or beach picnic (cant remember) they totally understood why I would rather be with her than them. I said "Dude, look at her, Id much rather be with her than to spend time with you dumb mother----ers!" They said "Totally understand. You're doing the right thing".
I've never bought into the idea that if you're in a relationship, then you have zero time for anyone outside the relationship. Of course you (or your friends) want to spend significant time with an SO, but I can't imagine spending 100% of my free time with a boyfriend. Being in a romantic relationship doesn't mean you let your other relationships wither.
Hell, my parents have been married for almost 50 years, and they have wildly different hobbies, interests, and friends. Maybe that's where I get it.
Last edited by fleetiebelle; 10-02-2009 at 03:02 PM..
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
