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OK, you had me interested. My daughter wants to get her PhD in Psych and from what I've read it's 6 year average. Three would have saved me major coin.
BTW, she pulled 4 A's and 3B's on her progress report. The A's were in her AP courses and the B's in the non-AP courses. And she just got accepted. So progress.
Her ACT got her an invitation to an honors college presentation. That got her butt in gear. Her grades aren't there but she's got the ACT piece. The advisor spoke with her and she basically can get in with an essay explaining her grades given the circumstances. Plus he's from my alma matter and we had a nice chat about missing the grease trucks.
Look, parenting doesn't end at a specific time. If it did I'd be dead. My parents being there for me into my 20s and is the only reason I never ventured past the edge too far. If they had done the "you're 18, its not my job anymore" thing that appears so popular I would have wrapped myself around a tree at some point. I wasn't suicidal, but I was largely indifferent about waking up.
And when my diabetes was so out of control (mt 2nd wife literally left me for dead as, well, my internal organs were starting to shut down and glucose was oozing out my pores) they moved in with me 500 miles from my home so I could keep custody and get well. They were there for 6 months. The degree of parenting changes, but parenting never ends - and being there for your child at a time of absolute need should be unquestioned. They lived with me for the past 6 years scott free. My mom is extremely difficult. But she was there for me too. My dad was a good man and I miss him. I put them through Hell, but they were always there for me, usually with a kind word and a smile. They're the only reason I'm here today.
I think the program i looked into took about a year off so it's made it a 5 year program.
Hi, I'm new here, and I actually have a question. How do I start a new post? I don't really have a reply for this particular one, but my mom wants to kick my older sister out of the house, and I've been told two different things by different individuals--that we can write up a 30 day eviction notice, have it notarized by a notary public and serve her with it, or go to court. We have had to call the police on her twice already, and we have only lived here for 3 years. My mom, who is 82, has been diagnosed with early onset dementia, and my sister is so abusive to her--emotionally and verbally. My sister is always saying things to my mother like: I'll be glad when you're dead! or If I had a gun, I would shoot you! or You're not my mother; I don't have a mother anymore! She's always insulting my mother, and she gets on her about the littlest things, like why are you looking at your mail, Mom? Why do you cut your steak like that? You hold your fork like a baby. Stuff like that. And my Mom is afraid to discipline her. My Mom owns the house we live in and she took my sister in three years ago, when she got fired from her job. But my sister has never behaved as though she were thankful or grateful for anything my Mom does for her. The cops say we can't kick her out without going to court, but I feel we are in a desperate situation. I'm afraid for myself and my Mother. My sister has also threatened to kill me in the past. I don't know what we are allowed to do. Does my Mom have to keep living like this? I know I can't. It's gotten to the point where I want to go to a homeless shelter, because of all the fighting at home. Can we evict her without going to court? My Mom can't afford to hire an attorney; she just got out of a bankruptcy, and she took on a new mortgage 3 years ago. Please, I hope someone has a good answer for me about this situation. Thanks.
Hi, I'm new here, and I actually have a question. How do I start a new post?
Go look at the top right hand corner of the forum where is says new thread and click on that to start your new post. (not at the very top, but at the top of the particular forum where is says Parenting).
SuGi- go to the forum you want to post in and click on "NEW THREAD" on the left side of the screen.
You probably will have to either go through courts OR do something like when she leaves the house change all the locks and put her stuff outside. She may call the police but in the meantime anytime she threatens you guys I'd continue to call the police and make her life miserable there so she leaves.
BTW this is the reason I get so riled on in this forum and in general about Entitlement Mentality. I'm living with it every day. Like most parents I want a life long relationship with my kids. if he was into drugs, trouble with the law or other unsavory behavior I know I would handle it differently. He is polite, tidy, generally responsible and very intelligent but what I offered was too open ended and not well thought out on my end.
So think it out. And do it. This seems like a non problem. He is almost 30. Polite? Tidy?
Many times on this forum I propose "kick the bum out of the house" or "she has a terrible sense of entitlement, show her the door" and it is certainly easy to tell others what to do with their lives. But actually practicing that philosophy is very hard when faced with it in your own life.
I'm very proud of my son. He just turned 29. He graduated from a major university in 3 years with a double major and was then accepted to a wonderful graduate school program. He always knew he wanted to get his phD and teach. He is a physicist. He has always known there would be no money in his chosen field and seemed ready to accept a life with few if any frills.
I own some rental units in the town where he is in graduate school and where we live and offered to let him live in 1 unit rent free untill his schooling was done. The rent is $800. That was 7 years ago and now he says he still has about 1 more year to go. All this time he has been in a long distance relationship with a wonderful girl we all love. They have been together all over the world including 6 months in Hawaii while they were both in school, 6 months in UK while he did special research, 2 weeks in Japan where they were both giving papers at a conference, 1 week in Colorado, San Francisco, Canada etc. They try never to be apart for more than 6 weeks.
We are financially comfortable, not rich, but I feel I am being taken advantage of. All these trips are very expensive and I feel if he can afford the travel, he can certainly afford to pay me some rent. He says the only way he can afford the travel is because he doesn't have rent expense. And around we go. He says he only decided on this school because of the free rent (like that has anything to do with it).
I know it takes longer than expected to get a PhD but I am wondering if he has subconsciously prolonged this period of his life cause his living expenses are so cheap. He is a TA and only makes a little over $22,000, doesn't have a car and lives very frugally. He also tutors alot and takes other odd jobs to stay afloat. This girlfriend is the loveof his life-she also just finished her PhD- and they plan on being together after he gets his.
We have another adult child still have 2 younger kids to raise and educate and his father is 70 years old and still working, 90% of which is travel.
A few months ago we got notice Dad was being laid off. I immediately told him he would need to start paying rent and helping out but he keeps bringing up the "promise" he could have free rent till his schooling was finished. Well the lay off never did happen but we didn't tell him that and even though he thinks his dad is unemployed, he has not offered to help.
DH is angry and disgusted. I am too but I refuse to confront him anymore about it. The only thing I can do is evict him and that would probably ruin what otherwise is a very close relationship.
I have however changed my will to reflect how much free rent he has had over the years and estate will be handled accordingly. He does not know this. I've also told him not to expect any help with any wedding plans if that is what they chose.
I don't want anybody to tell me to "kick the bum out". I don't know what I want but I would like some comments. Some of you are very wise and offer good advice. Others are snarky and mean. I don't need that please.
First of all, as the mom of five grown kids in their twenties, I can certainly relate to your desire to keep your relationship with your son close. Also, as you pointed out, though he does travel a lot (which IS expensive), he also lives frugally otherwise, and I'm sure he's correct in saying that the travel wouldn't be possible on his budget if he was having to pay rent.
That being said, here's what I think - I think he is clearly an adult and it's time to live like an adult. Also, there is something about your son's stance on this that makes me ponder something I noticed a few years ago.
I noticed that nice people are always worried about offending the very people who are actively offending them - in other words, people who don't put the same thought and consideration into the relationship. The bottom line is that your son unfortunately doesn't value the relationship between him and his parents as you do. You're worried about offending him, but he obviously isn't worried about offending you (his complete lack of empathy or concern about your husband's possible layoff, for example, and his constant "reminders" to you that you made a "promise." (I'm sure you realize in retrospect that the promise should have included a cut off date!)
Unfortunately, your son, while having many good qualities, does not have a very important quality, which is common and decent consideration and respect for his parents. This is a very integral part of any healthy relationship between parents and children.
I am VERY glad that you have changed your will and taken a firm stand on the wedding costs. I think these are both excellent ideas and I hope you stick with them. I would add one more caveat. I would tell him he has one more year. Period. He ought to be done with ANY schooling by age 30. This would give him plenty of time to plan for the transition. And while you're having this pretty difficult conversation with him (you AND your husband together), I would also go ahead and tell him that if he isn't out, or paying rent by that time, you will start the eviction process, as much as you hate to do so. Also, I would have a written rental agreement lined up, with the statement that rent is free for one year, and then will begin on such and such date. I would even go so far as to give him a reduced amount of rent - the "family discount" if you will - and spell that out in the contract, pointing out to him that this is a FAVOR and a good deal for him. Everybody wins, so to speak. If he wants to take advantage of that reduced rent, then he needs to go ahead and sign the contract. Otherwise he will be out in a year, and will have to pay higher rent or get a smaller, less desirable apartment somewhere else. And if he doesn't sign the contract, I'd tell him he has six months to get out.
Here's the thing - that income is part of your own retirement plan. Your retirement is your most pressing financial issue - NOT subsidizing this adult child's life! This is what you need to tell him. By the way, is he paying the property taxes on this property? It's not like you allowing him to live there doesn't cost you any money - it DOES. Every month, every year. Also, who is paying for his schooling? If you're not, how long DID you pay for that education? Sheeze! I have a brother who is very much like this - the perpetual student. It took my parents about 15 years to catch on to this but they FINALLY did so.
One more note - at our ages (50s), my husband and I have known and continue to know other families in the same situation, families who have had to finally get tough with their adult children. Here's the interesting thing - without exception, when they finally laid down the law and their adult kids started paying their own expenses, the interesting thing was, they did just fine. They didn't "go to the poorhouse" or end up out on the street. They ended up moving into comfortable homes or apartments and doing fine.
Your son and his girlfriend are two able bodied adults. They ought to be able to both work and make a living that is comfortable and that provides a good roof over their heads. They ought to be able to do so NOW. She's finished with her PhD - what's stopping them from pooling their resources, getting married and starting their adult lives together?
I have a renegade son who lives in Guam and who just got married. He has a pretty crappy job (as you can imagine, the job situation in Guam is pretty bleak!) but hey, he's living the life of a beach bum in an island paradise, with his new adorable little Korean wife who has a green card and a SS number and a college degree and is fully capable of working. He is always broke and actually asked me for money last month to pay their rent, but my response, while difficult, was that he and his wife are both healthy, able bodied adults and could both be working full time, so me throwing money at this situation doesn't solve the problem at all. If he and his wife were both doing all they could to make ends meet, my response would be different, but I'll be doggoned if I am going to give money to people who could be doing a lot better but who choose to spend their days on the beach instead.
This is sort of the same situation that your son is in. You are subsidizing his international travel. That's the bottom line - you are paying for his trips. How do your other kids feel about this? If I were them, I'd be pretty ticked off.
I do think that you've done the right thing with your will, but that's still not the most honest, forthright way to handle the situation. Do your other kids know that this is the way you've handled it? If not, do you want them to feel this discrepancy over the years, and cause issues with THEM while you're alive? (Believe me, they will either feel slighted, or treated unfairly, or they will expect you to do the same for them - why should your relationship with the kids who AREN'T asking you to subsidize their lives unfairly suffer?)
Hope you don't take this advice as snarky. I mean it sincerely. Good luck.
Just realized this is an old thread. Oh well, I still meant it all! LOL
I don't understand how these get bumped. Someone must go LOOKING.
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