13 year old and self confidence (teenagers, weight, support, parents)

[deb8997]

I have a 13 year old daughter who is going through some stuff right now that makes me very upset. she is obsessed with thinking her 20 year old sister is prettier.she thinks she' fat and ugly and by no means is she either. she is the perfect height and weight and is beautiful. she thinks i tell her that because i have to im her mom..when we go shopping she picks out really cute clothes and does try them on but when we get home its a whold different story. she wont wear any of them and throws on her workout shorts and a big tshirt. when her sister wants to take her out to the mall or just go hang out its a huge ordeal to find anything to wear and locks herself in the room and cries that her sister is prettier.im at my witts end here with this. we are all going on vacation next week and i cant have her acting like this. its driving me crazy no matter what i tell her. i feel so bad she feels like this. she uses the excuse that all the kids in her school call her ugly so apparently it must be true according to her.

[NoExcuses]

Kids exaggerate. Mine says "Everybody else" when she really means 'a few others'.

Your daughter has to gain her own self respect, self confidence and self esteem. They're not something you can give her.

A lot of ugly ducklings turn out to be swans. She should be reminded that even though she is beautiful now, her looks will change a lot over the next few years. Her sister's did, and hers will.

[serrendipity]

Sorry to hear your going through this 13 is a notoriously difficult age. Perhaps your daughter is being made fun of at school is attributing to her insecurity. Whether she's beautiful or not can be irrelevent to kids making fun of others. They may have just found it to be a sensitive spot to her and so call her ugly. No one ever said teenagers made sense. At any rate I would recommend talking to her teachers, a school counselor.....perhaps they have groups for self-esteem, fitting in.

Make sure she's not on the net being bullied etc. As to the clothes if she's comfortable in it I would try ignoring the clothes and let her come around when she wants to. You could try a 4H group or something. Teenagers derive a lot of their self esteem from their peers. That means that at this age her peers opinion is likely to trump the parents. Try to get her into a better social environment or group if you can. I'd also take her misery seriously and stay on top of it. Her peer world is her world, and when your a teenager time seems to be an eternal stand still. Best of luck

[DubbleT]

Maybe some words of praise and encouragement from older sister? Sounds like the younger one looks up to her and would be more receptive to hearing what she has to say.

[Hopes]

My little sister had this problem. She was 6-1/2 years younger than me. Similar age difference between your daughters.

My older sister and I were overly thin. My little sister was a normal size 6. She thought she was fat because we were size 2.

My solution was simple. I made a point of having girly time with her.

I taught her how to wear makeup. I started borrowing her clothes---the ones I could fit into, like the shirts----and I let her borrow my clothes.

Somehow that made it all better. If I could fit into her clothes, she couldn't be fat.

Plus, learning how to wear makeup from the person she thought was beautiful really boosted her self image too.

Ironically, my little sister is the most beautiful of us all! She truely is!

She still carries more weight than the rest of us, but she's absolutely stunning and has the self confidence to go with it too.

I second DubbleT's suggestion. The older sister can really make a difference.

[deb8997]

thank you all so much for the advice. Yes i will have a talk with the older one.

[SuzyQ123]

I was the little sister by 5 yrs. It was tough. Just when I was going in to my akward stage at 12-13 my sister was really becoming her own person at 17-18. I always felt like I was compared to my sister. It may help to let her join something that her big sister never did, like ride horses or play a spot the sister never did. That was she could get praise for it but not havr to worry that big sister did it better.

[neuro]

Anything you say about her self image is not going to register. It is important to hear that both hear mother and father think she is pretty, smart, and talented. It is not going to have any viable effect. I would has your 20 year old daughter to talk to and complement her. If she says "your hair is really cute" or " I really like that skirt on you" it will go a long way.

It sounds like you are bless to have two good girls that you love very much. be grateful for that.

I would also recommend that you keep keep communication open with her. It is unlikely that she will take fashion advice from you but she does need to know that she can talk to you.

75 Questions that will start a conversation with a teenager

[Carrie2979]

Yes I like the suggestion of talking to the older one. I was the older one and of course I didn't see how much my younger sister looked up to me until recently (within the last few years). We are only 3 1/2 years apart. When I was 20 I was out all the time and wanted to discover myself, hangout with friends and grow some independance from the family. I know I didn't but she might not be thinking that the younger one really looks up to her, so in my opinion, that may be a really great start. Perhaps they should go shopping together.

[MaryleeII]

I hear ya about the clothes thing!

I go shopping with my dd 13, she picks out her own stuff, I sometimes just suggest, but whatever, she thinks everything is ugly. she's had meltdowns in the dressing room, saying nothing will work, she's too ugly.

The situation is the exact opposite---she's a natural beauty. I'm her mother, so I can't be expected to be objective, but she could be a model in an old sack. In looking back to my teen years, I remember how catty girls her age can be. I suspect other girls are putting dd down because they're jealous. I just wish she could get some sort of self-esteem, after all, if "ugly" people have self esteem, isn't she entitled to her share?

It comes with time, experience, and wisdom. Meanwhile, I let her pick out her own clothes, if she decides to take them all back because she's too ugly, I let her within reason.

Its more an age thing, and, I think, more with girls. She will grow out of it, meanwhile, just be supportive in any way you can. Honestly, if I didn't fear internet privacy, etc, I'd post a pic of my dd, she's a knockout, enough to make any girl jealous!