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Favor may not be the best word to use. More has anyone agreed to have kids despite being ambivalent about it because your spouse really wanted kids?
How do you feel about your kids now?
Are you glad you took the plunge or do you wish you had said no?
How has having kids affected your relationship with your SO?
On the other hand has anyone given up the idea of having kids because their SO didn't want to have kids or was just unenthusiastic about it?
Do you wish you had 'forced' the issue and really pushed to get your SO's buy in?
How has agreeing to give up on having kids affected your relationship with your SO?
YES these are issues that should be agreed upon prior to marriage, but sometimes things change. I'm interested to hear from people who have been through this type of situation.
Right now my DH and I are trying to decide whether kids are in our future or not. I lean towards yes, he leans towards no, but says he would do it for me. I would feel horribly guilty for forcing him into unwilling parenthood, he would feel horribly guilty for denying me parenthood.
We've been married 8.5 years and have a really great relationship with a lot of love. I totally understand his standpoint and he totally understands mine.
Favor may not be the best word to use. More has anyone agreed to have kids despite being ambivalent about it because your spouse really wanted kids?
How do you feel about your kids now?
Are you glad you took the plunge or do you wish you had said no?
How has having kids affected your relationship with your SO?
I was ambivalent about having kids (too much effort) but my husband really wants them. Before we married we had both wanted kids but after a year or so into the marriage, I was no longer so excited about it. I see nothing wrong with a compromise. I think I would make the best of the situation once the kids are here. Once you make up your mind to go along with one person's choice, you have to commit to that choice, or else the children will suffer. So though I was unsure at first, now I'm fully committed to the same goal as my husband.
Some people say that it's my body and my choice, but I think that is a bit too extreme. You have to think as a couple. Maybe compromise by having only one child and seeing how it goes. But your husband has to be on the same page.
I leaned towards no in the previous relationship despite being on the fence because:
- I kinda did not want kids but would of been into the idea if an "accident" occurred
- He did not want to have kids and I thought it best that I do without rather than have a baby due without a fathers love and a father do without a truly wanted freedom.
- household income would not support the life I wanted if I was to have kids (for me or them)
- the thought of actually giving birth terrifies me. LOL
- no family on his side for support or for taking children if we were to die.
I kinda felt like I was missing out on something but it did not feel right to impose such a large responsibility on another unwelcomed. Long story short was that ex and I broke it off for multiple reasons and the person I am with now is actually into the idea of having kids so I find the idea more appealing as well. Its not a debate to tip toe around its just a question of when will be the right time. This feels like it is more what I actually wanted because it feels right.
So to me, having been in two different situations and having one that is more suited to my natural inclinations, I prefer the feeling of being able to have someone agree with me on such a large life decision instead of just doing without or imposing a life choice on another. I am happier and feel more free. I also think I would tell any kids I have to discuss these types of situations in depth with anyone they dated before it got too serious to avoid heartache and frustration.
I can't talk out of experience with having or not having children but I can say that I've known couples that one wanted a child and the other wasn't too keen on it. They've all turned out that the parent that wasn't too sure about having a child completely was taken with the child when he/she was born and was a great parent.
I Maybe compromise by having only one child and seeing how it goes. But your husband has to be on the same page.
Haha, all this IS about only one child. I think if I said more than one he would have a heart attack.
We're both only children - well he has a much younger half brother and I have 2 step siblings I never see, so we feel like only children. I think I'm ok with one. Probably couldn't manage more than one myself!
Quote:
Originally Posted by donie1
I can't talk out of experience with having or not having children but I can say that I've known couples that one wanted a child and the other wasn't too keen on it. They've all turned out that the parent that wasn't too sure about having a child completely was taken with the child when he/she was born and was a great parent.
I have heard this too and it's not like he's adamantly against it, but it sure seems a big risk! I actually think he would be a great Dad. Maybe I am expecting too much by wanting some kind of enthusiastic buy in? Maybe "I'll do it for you" is the best he can manage? It just doesn't seem enough to me.
Maybe "I'll do it for you" is the best he can manage? It just doesn't seem enough to me.
Well, it doesn't sound like you've always been so enthusiastic about it, either... Even now you're saying you're "leaning" towards wanting children; it's not like you're obsessed with having children. In this case I find his response more than satisfying. And I think Donie is right. Many people who didn't want children all that much seem to get more enchanted by them even than those who did. Just ask Mrstewart who has six! She didn't want kids!
My husband and I both wanted kids from the beginning, so we never had to deal with this issue, but I've seen the strain it puts on my sister's marriage. She's never really wanted a kid, but she wanted her husband so she talks about having a kid. First she said she couldn't because they didn't have a house, then he borrowed money for a down payment from his parents and bought her a house. Then she had a health issue that requred taking medicine that you can't take during pregnancy, so they couldn't try. Now she's having back problems and they can't try...she's having real health problems but I think they're caused by her fear of having a child. I feel a little bad for her husband, before he met my sister, all the women he dated had kids, because he wants a family really badly.
Well, it doesn't sound like you've always been so enthusiastic about it, either... Even now you're saying you're "leaning" towards wanting children; it's not like you're obsessed with having children. In this case I find his response more than satisfying. And I think Donie is right. Many people who didn't want children all that much seem to get more enchanted by them even than those who did. Just ask Mrstewart who has six! She didn't want kids!
Nope, I'm certainly not one of those women who was born to be a Mother..... but over the past few years it has just kept coming up and I think I might even do a reasonable job of being a parent. Well hopefully!
But maybe if I was more driven about it I would be more confident in just moving forward. I do feel like I would need support and with no family around that means him. So to do it if he's not that into it seems unfair.
Would love to hear more from people who were ambivalent but now loving it! Mrstewart???
My husband and I both wanted kids from the beginning, so we never had to deal with this issue, but I've seen the strain it puts on my sister's marriage. She's never really wanted a kid, but she wanted her husband so she talks about having a kid. First she said she couldn't because they didn't have a house, then he borrowed money for a down payment from his parents and bought her a house. Then she had a health issue that requred taking medicine that you can't take during pregnancy, so they couldn't try. Now she's having back problems and they can't try...she's having real health problems but I think they're caused by her fear of having a child. I feel a little bad for her husband, before he met my sister, all the women he dated had kids, because he wants a family really badly.
Sounds like she'll lead him on (and I think she does it deliberately) until she announces it's too late, at which point he'll probably resent her to the point of leaving her...
Sounds like she'll lead him on (and I think she does it deliberately) until she announces it's too late, at which point he'll probably resent her to the point of leaving her...
This is what I want to avoid. I want a thought out, proactive decision. Even if it's NO. The stringing out 'maybe one day' for the past 6 years are what makes me nuts.
We're addressing it now and if it doesn't work out then I can accept that, but this endless procrastination has gotten old. So now we're talking to a therapist about it which is definitely helping. I just want to know that we've made an active choice, not just drifted until it's too late.
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