Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Last night my husband and I had a huge, very heated argument with my 17 yo son, Mitchell. He wanted to go to a party on a Sunday night (a school night!) and I specifically said no. I then find that he snuck out and had his 14 yo brother cover/lie for him. He got home at 2am, having taken our car (his is in the shop), our car had a huge scratch/dent in the side, and he smelled like beer (he was not drunk though). On top of that, when we got mad at him he started yelling at us and saying very disrespectful things. It escalated to the point of Mitchell was walking away from us yelling and cussing and my husband grabbed his arm to pull him back and i thought he would slap our son across the face.
Mitchell is generally a really good kid. He makes really good grades, great athlete, plays guitar and has a lot of friends. Sure, he gets in trouble sometimes for not doing his homework, spending too much time on that stupid Xbox, normal teenage boy stuff. But this is the worst. I grounded him for a month (no phone, computer, tv or friends). But now I think I over reacted. What do you think?
If you DO think I over reacted, what should I do? Everyone says you should never back down/shorten grounding time, but what if I have too? Also, how long do you suggest I ground him for?
A friend of mine was telling me to make him pay for the car damages, but my does not have a job and we do not want him to get a job. We want him to focus on school.
Last night my husband and I had a huge, very heated argument with my 17 yo son, Mitchell. He wanted to go to a party on a Sunday night (a school night!) and I specifically said no. I then find that he snuck out and had his 14 yo brother cover/lie for him. He got home at 2am, having taken our car (his is in the shop), our car had a huge scratch/dent in the side, and he smelled like beer (he was not drunk though). On top of that, when we got mad at him he started yelling at us and saying very disrespectful things. It escalated to the point of Mitchell was walking away from us yelling and cussing and my husband grabbed his arm to pull him back and i thought he would slap our son across the face.
Mitchell is generally a really good kid. He makes really good grades, great athlete, plays guitar and has a lot of friends. Sure, he gets in trouble sometimes for not doing his homework, spending too much time on that stupid Xbox, normal teenage boy stuff. But this is the worst. I grounded him for a month (no phone, computer, tv or friends). But now I think I over reacted. What do you think?
If you DO think I over reacted, what should I do? Everyone says you should never back down/shorten grounding time, but what if I have too? Also, how long do you suggest I ground him for?
A friend of mine was telling me to make him pay for the car damages, but my does not have a job and we do not want him to get a job. We want him to focus on school.
Thanks
I don't have children...for another 3 weeks, that is. But I was a teenager less than a decade ago and here's my take on this:
I think you did the right thing. Do not second guess yourself. You need to stand your ground because if you don't, he will think he can get away with doing similar things again. Your son needs to know you mean business especially since you mentioned this is the worst kind of trouble he's gotten into.
Let's see.....he lied, convinced someone else to lie on his behalf, took and damaged your car without permission, and apparently did some underaged drinking then got in a car and drove? Any idea if he damaged anyone or anything else? That doesn't even take into account his disrespect to you. And you are worried you over reacted??
Last night my husband and I had a huge, very heated argument with my 17 yo son, Mitchell. He wanted to go to a party on a Sunday night (a school night!) and I specifically said no. I then find that he snuck out and had his 14 yo brother cover/lie for him. He got home at 2am, having taken our car (his is in the shop), our car had a huge scratch/dent in the side, and he smelled like beer (he was not drunk though). On top of that, when we got mad at him he started yelling at us and saying very disrespectful things. It escalated to the point of Mitchell was walking away from us yelling and cussing and my husband grabbed his arm to pull him back and i thought he would slap our son across the face.
Mitchell is generally a really good kid. He makes really good grades, great athlete, plays guitar and has a lot of friends. Sure, he gets in trouble sometimes for not doing his homework, spending too much time on that stupid Xbox, normal teenage boy stuff. But this is the worst. I grounded him for a month (no phone, computer, tv or friends). But now I think I over reacted. What do you think?
If you DO think I over reacted, what should I do? Everyone says you should never back down/shorten grounding time, but what if I have too? Also, how long do you suggest I ground him for?
A friend of mine was telling me to make him pay for the car damages, but my does not have a job and we do not want him to get a job. We want him to focus on school.
Thanks
Umm, he stole your car and wrecked it, drove it after he'd been drinking, and drug your younger son into a lie.
He's lucky he's not in jail.
You didn't overreact, and the first thing he should do when he does get a job, is to pay you back for the car damage, plus interest. I'd say he got heated withs you because he knows he's in the wrong and is embarrassed.
Thank you for the advice so far. It is making me a little better. Let me be more clear on his amount of grounding so you can tell me if i UNDER reacted. He goes to school, goes to soccer, comes home, does homework, eats dinner, practices his music, goes to bed at 9pm (normally goes to bed at 11). If this doesn't fill up his day, he reads. No phone, computer, tv, friends, games. Just to be clear
I don't think you overreacted. I probably would have reacted more strongly in all honesty, but I do not have teenagers so it's hard to say. There were a lot of serious and potentially dangerous infractions committed. Given the context that he is good most of the time and less than a year away from adulthood, it sounds like it was probably an appropriate consequence. I do like the idea of him paying for the damage to the car one way or another. It would be a valuable lesson.
I agree that he should have to pay for damage to your car....whether that is ajob or extra chores to work off the amount. And if it were me there would be some kind of consequence related to drinking and driving....
Thank you for the advice so far. It is making me a little better. Let me be more clear on his amount of grounding so you can tell me if i UNDER reacted. He goes to school, goes to soccer, comes home, does homework, eats dinner, practices his music, goes to bed at 9pm (normally goes to bed at 11). If this doesn't fill up his day, he reads. No phone, computer, tv, friends, games. Just to be clear
You have taken away things and that's good. Personally though I would want him to DO something. If my kid hurt my car I would want him to pay for it. If you don't want him to work outside the home he could work inside to pay of the debt. Have some dirty gutters? Do you need yard work? I bet that car could use a nice washing twice a week, et cetera.
I'm often accused of not punishing my kids enough, DH is more strict, however my kid would be in BIG trouble for this one.
You didn't overreact to what eventually happened, but I think you were too strick to keep him from going to a party on a school night. He's 17 years old. He should have more freedom to make mistakes.
If you had allowed him to go, it's likely he wouldn't have wrecked any cars. He would have been more likely to call you for a ride because he wouldn't have been sneaking. He's at the age where he should feel safe calling you---no matter what he's done.
But if you're not going to let him out on a school night, even though he makes good grades, you're setting him up to sneak and lie. He's 17, not middle schooler. He'll be an adult soon and you aren't giving him the freedom needed to practice learning how to be an adult.
I think an appropriate consequence should be a natural consequence. He should pay for the damage to your car. He should be grounded from driving any car until he understands that he should call you if he drinks---and that you will be relieved that he didn't drive. The natural consquences with not allowing him to drve is that he created a potential legal liability to your household----and he has now proven to be a risk of liability until he's 18.
Grounding from everything for a month won't accomplish anything. It will just make him feel he needs to sneak better. If the punishment is more relevant to the crime, he wont' likely repeat his mistakes.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
