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You are not overreacting. Even good kids will test their boundaries every now and then, and if you cave in, then he'll know what he can get away with. He's better off getting punished by you than by the legal system. Think about it, if he took someone else's car without permission and damaged it while drinking and driving (drunk or not) that person could file charges and he could go to jail. He wouldn't treat a stranger that way, so why his mom and dad? Then to get belligerent with you when he's caught when he should have been sorry? Trust me, you're not overreacting! Hang in there!
Last night my husband and I had a huge, very heated argument with my 17 yo son, Mitchell. He wanted to go to a party on a Sunday night (a school night!) and I specifically said no. I then find that he snuck out and had his 14 yo brother cover/lie for him. He got home at 2am, having taken our car (his is in the shop), our car had a huge scratch/dent in the side, and he smelled like beer (he was not drunk though). On top of that, when we got mad at him he started yelling at us and saying very disrespectful things. It escalated to the point of Mitchell was walking away from us yelling and cussing and my husband grabbed his arm to pull him back and i thought he would slap our son across the face.
Mitchell is generally a really good kid. He makes really good grades, great athlete, plays guitar and has a lot of friends. Sure, he gets in trouble sometimes for not doing his homework, spending too much time on that stupid Xbox, normal teenage boy stuff. But this is the worst. I grounded him for a month (no phone, computer, tv or friends). But now I think I over reacted. What do you think?
If you DO think I over reacted, what should I do? Everyone says you should never back down/shorten grounding time, but what if I have too? Also, how long do you suggest I ground him for?
A friend of mine was telling me to make him pay for the car damages, but my does not have a job and we do not want him to get a job. We want him to focus on school.
Thanks
I really would find it hard to be so gentle with a kid doing this.
Steal my car? No way. Steal my car and drink and drive with it? Really no way. Cuss me out for being mad about?
If he doesn't have a job, then pay for the dent from money you would have given him for gas and drop his car insurance. If he doesn't have a job, he sure doesn't need a car. If he has a cell phone, I'd drop that too and make sure he knows it's over until you've finished paying for the damages he did to your car.
Really though if he's partying on a school night and drinking and driving, showing up at 2 am he might be better getting a job and doing something productive with all his free time.
You didn't overreact to what eventually happened, but I think you were too strick to keep him from going to a party on a school night. He's 17 years old. He should have more freedom to make mistakes.
If you had allowed him to go, it's likely he wouldn't have wrecked any cars. He would have been more likely to call you for a ride because he wouldn't have been sneaking. He's at the age where he should feel safe calling you---no matter what he's done.
But if you're not going to let him out on a school night, even though he makes good grades, you're setting him up to sneak and lie. He's 17, not middle schooler. He'll be an adult soon and you aren't giving him the freedom needed to practice learning how to be an adult.
I think an appropriate consequence should be a natural consequence. He should pay for the damage to your car. He should be grounded from driving any car until he understands that he should call you if he drinks---and that you will be relieved that he didn't drive. The natural consquences with not allowing him to drve is that he created a potential legal liability to your household----and he has now proven to be a risk of liability until he's 18.
Grounding from everything for a month won't accomplish anything. It will just make him feel he needs to sneak better. If the punishment is more relevant to the crime, he wont' likely repeat his mistakes.
I agree with what you said about the punishment fitting the crime, but what do you think I should do? I need him to have his car to drive him and his siblings to school and do errands for me. He is very helpful in that way. He knows that he can call me at any time and he told me that before the fight got big.
About parties on school nights, I allow him to go sometimes but he had already gone to one on saturday night and really needed to study for a history test. Also, I know this kid who was hosting the party and they last party he threw the cops showed up (luckily my son was no at that one). Do you still think I was too harsh? It's hard raising a teenager!!!!
[quote=malamute;19181106]I really would find it hard to be so gentle with a kid doing this.
Steal my car? No way. Steal my car and drink and drive with it? Really no way. Cuss me out for being mad about?
If he doesn't have a job, then pay for the dent from money you would have given him for gas and drop his car insurance. If he doesn't have a job, he sure doesn't need a car. If he has a cell phone, I'd drop that too and make sure he knows it's over until you've finished paying for the damages he did to your car.
Really though if he's partying on a school night and drinking and driving, showing up at 2 am he might be better getting a job and doing something productive with all his free time.[/quote]
I agree with that! I'm all about focusing on school as opposed to working at McDonald's . . but perhaps it's time to re-think that if the focus is going to be on partying on school nights AND taking the car without permission AND drinking . .
I do not think your punishment was too harsh.
I have a soon to be 16 year old so - no judgements here. Who knows what's in store for me!
Harsh isn't the word I'd use. I just think that a 17 year old should be given an opportunity to make the decision about a history test. He needs to learn now before he goes to college. As for the party being at a house where the police showed up, it's unlikely lightening would strike twice. But your son is better off getting arrested for underaged drinking as a minor than between 18 and 21 when it would stay on his record. I'm just a firm believer in letting almost-18-year olds make decisions for themselves. They need practice before they become legal adults.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ck96
It's hard raising a teenager!!!!
Tell me about it! My youngest just turned 19. And I now have an additional 18 year old who recently moved into my house.
The worst is over for me. It will be over for you too. They really do mellow out.
Now, if I can just get my youngest to spread his wings more.
Every night, for the next 30 nights, you need to read these responses. You did NOT over-react. Hang tough. You are a great parent and are doing the right thing. Twenty-eight more days to go. Do not back down!
As for the party being at a house where the police showed up, it's unlikely lightening would strike twice.
It's not lightning. It's a house that is known for having parties that get out of hand, and if you know anything about how the police work, it's more likely that the house will get busted again because it was busted in the past.
OP: you did not over-react nor did you under-react, IMO, you reacted exactly right.
I hope you realize if he injured or killed someone it is on you and your husband. I would take his car away.
He doesn't have a job so he doesn't need it to get to work.
You're very lucky. We just had an incident close to where I live where four teens were killed coming back from a party.
The driver was clocked at 100mph, he killed himself, his sister, and two friends. He lost control and rolled the SUV and ended up hitting a cement wall.
In addition to the living hell the parents are going through losing two children they're being sued by the parents of the other teens killed.
The teen driver already had three tickets for reckless driving, so the parents had an opportunity to take action and like many parents today fail to do so. Now it is too late.
They would rather be "cool" than parent.
I would make it VERY CLEAR to him that his actions can come to haunt you and you could lose everything you have worked hard for if he kills someone due to drunk driving.
If he kills someone your savings, your wages, etc. would go to pay off a lawsuit.
I would also as soon as he turns 18 get him off your insurance policy.
Oh the joy of teens. My youngest did something similar a couple of years ago when he was 16. We got a call at 3:00 am to come pick him up, meanwhile we thought he was in bed. It was the traditional junior-senior wars at the high school, and we did let him out earlier, with a curfew. He asked to go out again, and we said no. Then the phone call, because the car he was in was stopped by the police, and he was held until an adult came for him since he was under 17. The other kids were allowed to go home.
I think that was the hardest part, grounding him for a month when we knew his friends were getting away with it. But, he snuck out after being told not to. And, we held to it, although in this case he was allowed to have his phone and computer, just no leaving the house or having anybody over.
If there had been drinking and driving involved we would have grounded him for the whole summer.
The thing is, the good kids realize when they've done something wrong. It my take him a few months, but your son will respect you for sticking to your guns, and isn't likely to repeat the offense.
It's not lightning. It's a house that is known for having parties that get out of hand, and if you know anything about how the police work, it's more likely that the house will get busted again because it was busted in the past.
My main point is that teens need an opportunity to make decisions for themselves prior to becoming adults. They need chances to learn from mistakes. If he had been permitted to go to the party, it's likely his mistake wouldn't have been so big. Getting busted for underaged drinking is far less serious than driving while drinking.
Quote:
Originally Posted by georgeblack
OP: you did not over-react nor did you under-react, IMO, you reacted exactly right.
I don't think she overreacted either. I was simply pointing out that this might not have happened if she had allowed him to go to the party with a ride and a curfew.
My punishment for stealing and wrecking the car would be harsher than what she did---taking his car away from him until he's no longer a legal liability at 18. Fortunately, I never had to do that. I let my children start making decisions for themselves when they were around 16. They called me whenever they made bad decisions and they learned from those mistakes without any serious consequences.
Don't get me wrong, my children are far from perfect. We simply avoided big mistakes by being involved in their decisions instead of making decisions for them.
I'm sure the OP's son will learn from this mistake he made too, regardless. I'm just a strong supporter of letting older teens learn to make decisions for themselves, with boundaries that allow for their mistakes to not be so grave. It's not uncommon for older teens to sneak out when their parents say no. I opted to say yes, with restrictions, to minimize the damage.
My goodness, one of my daughter's classmates was paralyzed after sneaking out of the house and wrecking his car on the way home in the middle of the night. He was stuck in the car for six hours in below freezing temperatures before he was found. I wasn't about to let that be one of my children by outright saying no when they were almost 18.
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