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I have choices and it is very difficult to choose, which I find funny because when my friends were in a similar situation, I told them that these points in life were interesting
Okay, so I stay home with my 2 year old and I have a job offer. Right now, I don't have to work but we don't live in the best area for families. This income would mean being able to buy a bigger house in a nicer area with the best schools but we would need both incomes. Even if we decided to stay in our current location, that extra income would be just that, extra income. So if we weren't happy with the public schools, we would have the option of private schools.
Now here is where I throw in the twist. At least I think it is a twist. Now that I have a grasp of what positive discipline is, I feel like it is better to stay home and, well, just get better at it. I really believe that if I had not stayed home the last 2 years I would not be where I am at today.
Because I stayed home, I read, researched, implemented PD concepts, asked questions, met new people. In other words, I am no longer making excuses. I have a very good idea of how I want my daughter to be raised and educated. While both are my responsibility, she still has to attend schools. Of course, I love being with my daughter but I did not want this to turn into SAHM vs. working mom.
My reasons for staying home are for personal growth but is it selfish? This decision will involve two people, me and my daughter. I don't want to deny her access, to put it bluntly, to the things this extra money can provide which would include a preschool whose foundation is based on positive discipline (not very cheap).
ETA: Okay, I think I can ask a better question. I see that I have to decide on what we, my husband and I want, and not what we think our 2 year old would want. However, isn't this different that doing what is best? Is what I want the best thing for my daughter?
Tough decision but, you don't say if you really desire the things that money can buy.
I left a high paying occupation with lots of travel so I could be at home with my children. I also found another job I in which I could work from home. I had the best of both worlds. Once my children were both in school, I got laid off from the at home job and had to go into the office again but, I found a company with hours in which I could get off in time to pick my children up from school.
My husband and I could have lots more "things" in our life if I worked at my career and not a job but, our childrens well being and our peace of mind that they are with me after school and most of the day during summer is well worth it.
You only have one time to be with your children when they are young. It is the most difficult decision you have to make because most people can't regret working while their children were young because they didn't have a choice but, the ones that did - they more often than not regret having made the choice to work because they realize they could never recapture those years and that time.
Good luck and it really is your choice so I am sure you will make the decision that is right for you!
I have to add that there are quality sitters available and it isn't because I think my children won't be safe with other peoples care it is jut that I will miss this time with them. I know how fast time goes and I love them so much that I can't bear the thought of not being with them when I can. So the person being selfish here is more than likely me.
Tough decision but, you don't say if you really desire the things that money can buy.
Thanks for your reply. It is something I was expecting as my friends gave me the same advice. Unfortunately, most have to go back to work soon.
I wanted to comment on this, however. I have always *known* that relationships are what matter, not material possessions. I just didn't know how to fix my problems with other people. Now I do and it shows. I guess I am thinking along the lines of why make my problems my daughter's problems. Maybe this desire to stay home for personal growth is short sighted in that I can work and still improve my attitude. The job does have a heavy work load.
ETA: This time goes so fast so maybe I should just stay home and do what I want and not what I think my daughter wants.
Do you need to make the decision now? Ie, could you stay home, maybe even homeschool for pre-K/ K, and then start working when it is time for your child to go to elementary school? That way you could teach her PD a bit more, but still have the extra income/ better neighbourhood later, when she becomes more independent.
Tough decision, this. I don't know what career you have, but even those with 'easy' re-entry are not so easy as time goes by. Not a reason, in itself, to decide to go back to work now. But don't assume that you can get back into work easily when the kid(s) are school aged. Know that the decisions you make now should probably be revisited often....as in once a year. Don't think 'oh, well, when he/she is in kindergarten' when your child is 2. Think on the options again when she is 3, and 4. Also consider if you are planning more than one - the clock starts over then.
Regrets are unavoidable, I think. I know people who say they quit work/career and never looked back. But I don't think I'm one of those people. I am glad I have a choice to not work, and that my kids have me full time...But. But fulfillment on a personal level is a tricky thing. I worked hard to find a job that I loved; went to graduate school, worked for 5 years post graduate (2 of those years were after my first kid, working part time - the ideal compromise). Then a second child, 'only' not working while he was not in school. Then a move, which took away that wonderful part-time opportunity that I could've gone back to. Interviews with rejection letters followed; now my kids are 2nd and 6th grade and I am career-less, and 45 years old. Not getting any younger, and not seeing much of an opportunity to re-enter the world of jobs; at least not in my career field.
People often speak in the cliche of 'they are only young once'; 'blink and you have a teenager'. But I add 'blink and you have out of date clothes, 10 years have gone by and your career field has left you in the dust'.
It is so hard to KNOW which decision is right. I don't know, looking back, where I could've made a different decision. It was/is important to me that my children's time in group care when they were very young was limited to a Mother's Day Out program. I still see benefits in this arrangement. But could I have kept my toe in the work world somehow? IDK. probably, with a bit more compromise.
I don't know if these ramblings will help you. You asked if you are being selfish by staying home. That puts the normal career/SAHM question on its ear - usually the view is it is more selfish to go back to work.....selfless to stay at home. I don't wish anyone to agonize about the decision, but just to know how quickly time passes both for you AND your children. Try not to make assumptions you will come to realize later were not correct.
The decision to stay home impacts more than just today. You lose experience, promotions, raises, savings and vesting towards retirement. If working means you can live in a better neighborhood and send your kids to better schools, your children lose opportunties to advance.
All things being equal, I'd still work because the period of time when kids are small is so short that it's just not worth derailing your entire career for. The loss of experience, vesting and savings can come back to bite you. I know several women who stayed home and now regret having done so because they are realizing that the financial impact echos well beyond the years they stayed home. Because they stayed home, they have smaller houses, less in savings, less vested for retirement, smaller pensions (as if pensions are staying around ) and can afford less in the way of sending kids to college.
Look at the whole picture not just today. 15 years from now, today will be but a memory and your kids will need help with college. Will you be able to help them without jeopardizing your own retirement? The time value of money being what it is, money earned today has a lot more value than money earned tomorrow.
You are a thoughtful person for working this decision from all the different ways.
I can only give you my experience. After Number two of three was born, I lost alot of my desire to "compete" in the work force. Yes that might sound counter career but that is exactly what it was. I made the decision to stay home and then number three came along, a blessed surprise and I was a full time stay at homer. I am a nurse so you better believe that my time at home caused me to have to catch up in a big way when I got back into the work force. I tried to work here and there but I found that it was so disruptive to the family that I soon quit altogether.
What did I gain? I will not paint it rosy but I got to go on all the field trips, class parties, to the pool in the summer, camping, story time at the library, chalk drawing, walks, the list goes on...
What did I lose? The part of me that honestly was not 100% there for my children and my husband. I learned much about myself. I might be a bit behind in my career but I am catching up. All we have is today. How do you want to spend it?
Good luck either way you choose, and live guilt free with your decision. I never have heard my grown sons ever complain about their public schools/public university educations. They also shared bedrooms but saw every exhibit at the museum and visited farms in the summer. They also learned to cook along with some funny science in the kitchen.
I have choices and it is very difficult to choose, which I find funny because when my friends were in a similar situation, I told them that these points in life were interesting
Okay, so I stay home with my 2 year old and I have a job offer. Right now, I don't have to work but we don't live in the best area for families. This income would mean being able to buy a bigger house in a nicer area with the best schools but we would need both incomes. Even if we decided to stay in our current location, that extra income would be just that, extra income. So if we weren't happy with the public schools, we would have the option of private schools.
Now here is where I throw in the twist. At least I think it is a twist. Now that I have a grasp of what positive discipline is, I feel like it is better to stay home and, well, just get better at it. I really believe that if I had not stayed home the last 2 years I would not be where I am at today.
Because I stayed home, I read, researched, implemented PD concepts, asked questions, met new people. In other words, I am no longer making excuses. I have a very good idea of how I want my daughter to be raised and educated. While both are my responsibility, she still has to attend schools. Of course, I love being with my daughter but I did not want this to turn into SAHM vs. working mom.
My reasons for staying home are for personal growth but is it selfish? This decision will involve two people, me and my daughter. I don't want to deny her access, to put it bluntly, to the things this extra money can provide which would include a preschool whose foundation is based on positive discipline (not very cheap).
ETA: Okay, I think I can ask a better question. I see that I have to decide on what we, my husband and I want, and not what we think our 2 year old would want. However, isn't this different that doing what is best? Is what I want the best thing for my daughter?
How good are the schools where you are now? My town doesn't have the best schools, but it has great schools. I'm good with that. In my area the 'best schools' also comes with snotty, entitled children. Not what I want for my son.
The best thing for the child is a happy stay at home parent. It doesn't really matter if it's the mom or the dad but the stay at home parent should enjoy being home, enjoy not having a job.
The next best thing for the child is to have happy working parents.
It's not helpful to a child if the mom stays home but is miserable. Some people do better if they get out of the house on a regular basis, around other adults, or they get something from working that makes them happier than if they aren't working. Some women work because that way the family can enjoy vacations together, or more time with the father, but also because they just do better if they get out of the house some of the time.
My husband just told me that if it is a difficult decision, then maybe there is no right or wrong answer. I have to agree. My daughter will grow independent from me and since I have discovered that I am capable of doing better, maybe I need to go back out and test my wings again. After all, I looked for the job. It didn't look for me. It doesn't have to be full-time.
Penguin_ie: I have to decide by the end of this month. I will ask about part-time opportunities.
88txaggie: Yes, blink and the world changes, it really does . I have visited the relationships forum and that is where I first read about how things can seem so clear when you are young and opportunities so vast. But then age creeps up and you don't have so many options. However, I can't help but feel like that is a defeatist attitude but then I don't want to be so optimistic that I am just being naive.
Ivorytickler: I do consider all those things but I always go back to my original idea that relationships matter more than material possessions. This is not my opinion on other people who go back to work. I just don't like the idea of both parents having to work in order to stay afloat. Maybe just staying where we are and sending her to private school is the better option. I did not mention this but we are almost done paying off the mortgage. In fact, we can pay it off right now. We just don't do it while I am not working.
Mt-7: When you said you lost the desire to compete, the thing is, I don't compete with other people. I compete with myself and that has always worked out for me in my career. Maybe that won't work so well when I am older but when my daughter starts school, I will only be 34. I believe positive discipline, and this is going to sound corny, has given me the tools to go even further in my career and I don't necessarily mean making more money. I mean, doing a better job than I did before I had my daughter. Its impact is real and alive today.
Irish Eyes: I attended a very poor elementary school and there were snotty students, parents and teachers.
malamute: Thanks for advising the part-time option. I did not consider that at the moment probably because my husband feels like the cost of the preschool is too great for part-time work. But I am not going to look at it that way. I can look at it as keeping my foot in the door.
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) and can afford less in the way of sending kids to college. 
and I was a full time stay at homer. I am a nurse so you better believe that my time at home caused me to have to catch up in a big way when I got back into the work force. I tried to work here and there but I found that it was so disruptive to the family that I soon quit altogether. 
