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Your son is old enough NOT to see his father. I wouldn't put him through that with his father's gf. I wouldn't even have anything to do with your ex or his gf. Just collect the money until you're son is 18 and both of you write him off. Life's too short to deal with *******s.
But at this point, it is the son's choice. She can't really forbid him to go over there. She is just trying to offer him guidance and advise. And if she goes too far in pushing him to not go over there, she could risk alienating him.
But at this point, it is the son's choice. She can't really forbid him to go over there. She is just trying to offer him guidance and advise. And if she goes too far in pushing him to not go over there, she could risk alienating him.
This ^^^^^
I wouldn't dream of forcing my son to see his father against his wishes - wow if anyone does that. It's one thing if we're talking about smallish kids, but who would do that to a teenager?
"Just collect the money until..." haha - my ex is in arrears in the six figures. I didn't realize this thread would make me laugh...but I'll take it! In such a situation you have to have a good sense of humor. That's a whole other topic for a whole other day.
Thanks to everyone for all your posts - this really has been a helpful experience.
One does not have to have a marriage certificate to be a family. Plenty of people never marry and raise children together and they are FAMILY.
Sure, if they're RAISING children TOGETHER. For a non-family member to be considered family, in my opinion, it would take more than sleeping with the daddy and belittling the kid. If she was being a mother-figure, or even a good friend to this boy, my opinion would be different. But the OP didn't post about her ex's wonderful loving girlfriend who her son just doesn't like. She posted about her ex's girlfriend who verbally abuses her son. How can you call someone like that family?
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And yes, he does have to put up with her behavior until he is 18 or the mother can be held in contempt of court. Have you worked or volunteered in the family court system? Many parents nitpick, verbally harass to the point of depression and much more, they are still the parents via DNA are they not?
They are. But did this woman give birth to this child? No. She isn't even married to his dad. When a biological parent is mistreating a child, it's much more complicated because there is still the biological and legal connection. But where do you see that here? No BIOLOGICAL or LEGAL connection at all. And most states give teenagers a say-so on whether or not to have visitation with the other parent. This boy is 17, not 5. If he decides to no longer put up with this woman's abuse, no one is going to be held in contempt of anything. And seeing how her negative behavior is affecting HIM, I would say he's perfectly within his rights to make that decision, and I'm sure a judge would see it that way as well.
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This woman is family. An abusive harpy of a family member but she is family. And she is relevant or she would not be causing problems in the family.
She is NOT relevant because she is not mother, father, or stepparent to this child. She is not a good influence, a role model, or anything positive in this boy's life. She's causing him to be angry and depressed, something she has NO right to do. So to you as well.
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Actually, in our state (CA) I believe it is at the age of 14 that a child can decide if they wish to continue to see the non-custodial parent. My son goes because he wishes to do so. I don't tell him what he should do, we just discuss the choices and details. The poster who stated that he's afraid to set his father up for being even more of a disappointment than he has already shown himself to be I think really nailed it.
We talked with my son last night and I shared some of the thoughts and suggestions posted in the thread. It helped him pinpoint what it was about her that bothered him so - it is her passive-aggressive method of nitpicking him that bothers him the most. She is indirect with her biting comments, instead of just saying straightforward whatever grievance she has. I have a feeling she might be too intimidated to be frank and direct because she's as short as she is wide, and my son towers over her at 6' 3". I refer to him as the gentle giant. Does anyone think this might play into her faulty approach?
OP, Maybe she's intimidated by the dad, not the kid. Maybe she thinks by being passive aggressive, she can appear to be the good guy while really letting out her resentment. I don't think his size bothers her; if it did, she'd keep her mouth shut to begin with. She just seems like a very mean spirited person. I hope your son finds a way to deal with the situation that works for him. If he chooses to continue the relationship with his dad, I hope he finds a way to not let this woman bother him so much. Good luck to you both.
She is NOT relevant because she is not mother, father, or stepparent to this child. She is not a good influence, a role model, or anything positive in this boy's life. She's causing him to be angry and depressed, something she has NO right to do. So to you as well.
OP, Maybe she's intimidated by the dad, not the kid. Maybe she thinks by being passive aggressive, she can appear to be the good guy while really letting out her resentment. I don't think his size bothers her; if it did, she'd keep her mouth shut to begin with. She just seems like a very mean spirited person. I hope your son finds a way to deal with the situation that works for him. If he chooses to continue the relationship with his dad, I hope he finds a way to not let this woman bother him so much. Good luck to you both.
Moderator cut: snip
She obviously is relevant or there would not be the problem escalating to the level it has. AND she is NOT causing him to be anything, "we" choose our behaviors. And one does not need a piece of paper to be relevant. I have counseled children with "psychological" parents, not even related to them by a piece of paper (marriage, adoption, etc) or by blood.
Sounds like the OP is a bit passive-aggressive bringing up the gfriend's weight and may be a bit of the problem herself.
Last edited by JustJulia; 02-10-2012 at 07:24 AM..
I am looking for any information on how to deal with my son's situation with his dad's girlfriend. She has a never-fail habit of verbally belittling and attacking him for every little perceived slight. He has been grappling with depression over this situation, and we (my ex, my son, and I) have had months of family counseling (which I paid for) to help my son deal with his unresolved issues with his dad (and the gf).
Long story short - the psychologist advised my ex that he has to be the one to stop her before she starts when she begins ragging on our son. He is supposed to stop her and ask her not to interfere with parenting. He is supposed to be the parent. He nods in agreement, and in more than one session. When my son again complained about the gf constantly critiquing him, I called my ex to ask what is going on. He proceeds to defend the gf and claims that "she really loves our son and means well". Gah!
I have barely been able to communicate with this woman, my ex has made a point of keeping me from ever really chatting with her. I have been looking for some resources online about this situation, and why her interfering with parenting our son is damaging, but I haven't had much success. She's not really a "step-parent" since they are not married, and I have full custody of our son. Since my son is almost an adult, I am trying to just ride this out but he is getting so fed up with her snippy comments that this last weekend he "blew up" verbally all over the two of them. He rarely acts out like that and I am really concerned about where this may lead if it isn't dealt with.
Talking to my ex is like trying to herd cats - you can't rationalize with an irrational person. He seems to be content with just conceding to her about the whole "parenting" stuff so I am wondering if I should have a talk with her? From what I have heard, she's quite the self-righteous know-it-all narcissist, so I'm not sure if that is even worth the effort.
I hope someone has some good advice or can point me to some resources online about this sort of relationship. I can't imagine that we are somehow unique in the type of dysfunction I've outlined.
I can't stand people who "mean well". What a copout term for irresponsibility.
Listen, maybe your SON needs to have a sit-down with a counseling professional to learn how to handle his feelings with regard to people older than himself who are supposed to be adults. Someone who can make it clear that it's not HIM who is the problem and can give him pointers on how not to react to the obvious baiting. He may have to be the adult in the situation.
She obviously is relevant or there would not be the problem escalating to the level it has. AND she is NOT causing him to be anything, "we" choose our behaviors. And one does not need a piece of paper to be relevant. I have counseled children with "psychological" parents, not even related to them by a piece of paper (marriage, adoption, etc) or by blood.
Sounds like the OP is a bit passive-aggressive bringing up the gfriend's weight and may be a bit of the problem herself.
Moderator cut: Removed reference to deleted comment
"Psychological parents?" I thought that was people who emotionally take the place of real parents when real parents are not physically or emotionally available. I don't work in family courts, but I can read and comprehend well enough to understand that this particular boy already has a mother and a father who are both involved in his life.
The girlfriend SHOULD NOT be causing so much of a problem BECAUSE she is NOT a relevant part of his life. She is not stepmother, mother, friend, or any kind of positive influence in his life.
Last edited by JustJulia; 02-10-2012 at 07:25 AM..
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