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I'm sorry to hear that your son is going through this. I really don't have any good advice, except that the father either needs to put his foot down or tell his GF to take a hike. However, I can provide some insight so that you realize how serious yet common this situation is.
This story isn't new. In fact, it is standard behavior for GF's and stepmothers, which is why we have the fairy tales. Interestingly, in many of the tales (Snow White, for example), the father is *actually* described as "impotent," which is what enables the abuse from the stepmother towards a child that is not her own. Many women feel threatened by children from previous r-ships--they are a reminder of the former wife. Moreover, they tend to compete with children for the affections/opinion of the father: the man usually has the power and the GF or stepmother degrades the child so that he/she has no power and/or his/her opinions/voice does not matter in the household. In short, it is a way of establishing dominance. And it will continue until your son has no relationship with his father.
I speak from experience. I have a stepmother that constantly belittles and sabotages my brother and I, not only to our father, but also to anyone whose ear she can bend. Her objective is to render our opinions/perspectives meaningless and without merit so that she--and only she--will have the "ear of the king," so to speak, who will do what she wants. And, sadly, she does. In fact, my brother and I don't even have a relationship with our father anymore. He has and will always do the exact same thing: agree with and defend his [second] wife, no matter what. Either that, or he just sticks his head in the sand and expects my brother and I to somehow defend ourselves, yet then reprimands or chides us when we do.
Consequently, as the therapist pointed out, the problem is not with the woman but the [impotent] man who allows her to dominate him, always takes her side, especially over his own children, and to their detriment. In men's twisted minds, it is the way that they "build a new life" with the new woman, and it often involves leaving *everything* from a previous marriage behind.
Believe me, nothing will change until your ex decides to put his children first. If he can't do that, then, unfortunately, the healthiest thing to do is for your son to end his relationship with his father and stay as far away from that woman as he can. Otherwise, not only will she destroy his self-esteem, but her attacks will escalate until she has (eventually) accomplished her goal, which is to alienate your son from his father (so she can have him all to herself).
In fact, just the other day, a neighbor of mine who is a teacher told me that a little boy at her school is actually being physically (as well as emotionally) abused by a father's GF (she belts him). The situation is very common, and I have found that accepting it sooner rather than later--and distancing oneself from the dysfunction--is the best way to lead a normal and happy life.
ACTUALLY, in the original stories it was the Mother not a step-mother but people thought that was too harsh and changed it. And your experience with your step-mom does not speak for all step relationships or mean that all stepmoms are insecure or feel threatened. In fact, many mothers feel threatened by the new woman in the picture, hence Malicious Mother Syndrome and Parental Alienation Syndrome (which is both parents, but a majority of the time it is the mother). I could share many stories of mothers who used their children as weapons. I volunteered as a GAL in the past and have worked/volunteered with many different agencies. Please do not paint a group of people with such a broad brush. It makes you just as low as the people you are talking about, if not more so.
I don't have any firsthand experience with this situation, but I would think since your son is 17 yrs old, he has some say-so on whether or not he wants to visit his dad or be around the girlfriend. I would say, since this woman does not know how to treat or talk to him, that he could stipulate his dad visiting with him outside their home, alone, or not at all. And I would make sure to tell the dad that since he doesn't have the balls to be a man and demand that this girlfriend respect his child, his son will no longer visit his home.
I wouldn't even bother talking to her. She's not a stepmom. She's not family. She's irrelevant. She shouldn't even be opening her mouth about anything concerning your son, that's his father's job. Your son should not be stressing out and depressed over his dad's girlfriend. And if Dad can't get that through his thick head, I would say forget the "family" counseling, and just concentrate on getting your son counseling to deal with the spineless dad he has.
Best of luck to your son. I know it must be difficult to have a dad who's not doing his part as a father. Lucky for him, he has a mom who's looking out for him.
Wow not family and not relevant? Such hatred. No wonder stepfamilies have so many issues when strangers dare to denigrate another human being in such a fashion. Many step moms are wonderful loving people and so are many step dads. They ARE part of the family, hence the word MOTHER and FATHER in their titles.
OP, you can't control other people, only yourself. Same thing goes for your son. If you were to take it to court I would dare say he would turn 18 before the case was probably even heard. It would be best under the circumstances that he cut off contact with his father so he is not subjected to the toxicity of both this father and step mom, once he is of legal age. I am sorry about the situation and your son deserves better, many children deserve better whether it be their step parents or their parents. Luckily your son has you. Best Wishes!
Your son has the power to make it stop as well. He can limit his exposure to this woman. He can tell his father he loves him, but he is not going to put himself in the situation to be belittled. You, your son, even the counselor cannot change the father's behavior, but you can change how you react to it.
My oldest (also 17) stopped going to his father's due to some choices his father made. My son told him that he loved him, but he was not going to put himself in the situation his father created. My son has spent one night at his father's since before Christmas.
Now, I feel I need address some of the PPs. I am a stepmother. A custodial stepmother. I want our children (I refer to my steps as my own) to shine, I do not stand in their way nor do I feel the need to insert myself in between them, their father, or their mother. Many children of divorce feel pulled and the need to provide validation to the adults by pledging loyalty for one parent over another. I recognize this and have taught my children how to express themselves appropriately and without fear of their opinions not matching mine. Please do not paint all stepmothers with the Disney brush.... some of us do not fit the Disney mold.
I feel for your son. Your ex will be the one to pay, in the long run.
My stepmother treated me horribly. What a witch. Constantly belittling me to my father, exaggerating situations. After I had children though, she was a different person - she was a wonderful grandmother. But my 'affection' for her was ONLY related to her actions to them.
After she died this past spring, my dad and I talked for the first time in years. I mean REALLY talked. I vented. I know he feels bad about his actions/inactions - but what's done is done. I made a choice back then to distance myself physically and emotionally from him. That is HIS consequence. Your ex, someday, will face a similar one.
Hopefully, your son can recognize (and internalize) that what his father's gf is doing has nothing to do with him personally - which is something I struggled with. I was sure that it was something I was doing wrong. It took me a long time to realize that it wasn't my fault. Others around me, telling me so, helped. Sometimes, people assume that the kid 'knows' it's not their fault. But hearing it, out loud, is needed - and not just by the mom. Hearing it from my dad's friends, who 'got along' with her in her presence, helped a LOT.
I am looking for any information on how to deal with my son's situation with his dad's girlfriend. She has a never-fail habit of verbally belittling and attacking him for every little perceived slight. He has been grappling with depression over this situation, and we (my ex, my son, and I) have had months of family counseling (which I paid for) to help my son deal with his unresolved issues with his dad (and the gf).
Long story short - the psychologist advised my ex that he has to be the one to stop her before she starts when she begins ragging on our son. He is supposed to stop her and ask her not to interfere with parenting. He is supposed to be the parent. He nods in agreement, and in more than one session. When my son again complained about the gf constantly critiquing him, I called my ex to ask what is going on. He proceeds to defend the gf and claims that "she really loves our son and means well". Gah!
I have barely been able to communicate with this woman, my ex has made a point of keeping me from ever really chatting with her. I have been looking for some resources online about this situation, and why her interfering with parenting our son is damaging, but I haven't had much success. She's not really a "step-parent" since they are not married, and I have full custody of our son. Since my son is almost an adult, I am trying to just ride this out but he is getting so fed up with her snippy comments that this last weekend he "blew up" verbally all over the two of them. He rarely acts out like that and I am really concerned about where this may lead if it isn't dealt with.
Talking to my ex is like trying to herd cats - you can't rationalize with an irrational person. He seems to be content with just conceding to her about the whole "parenting" stuff so I am wondering if I should have a talk with her? From what I have heard, she's quite the self-righteous know-it-all narcissist, so I'm not sure if that is even worth the effort.
I hope someone has some good advice or can point me to some resources online about this sort of relationship. I can't imagine that we are somehow unique in the type of dysfunction I've outlined.
Here is a recent example - they served my son some fresh strawberries, and he ate them. They did not stem the strawberries before serving them, so he ate them down to the base, leaving a little rim of fruit attached to the green stems. When she discovered this 'egregious' behavior, she scolded him for being wasteful, didn't he ever learn how to eat a strawberry without leaving some of the fruit behind? Seriously, she is that petty. My son is a guest in her house, he is only there for a day or two. I cannot imagine myself chewing out a house guest over something like this, let alone the son of someone I am having a relationship with.
Additionally, she has told my son that he is "making up" his learning disability, because she personally doesn't believe in such things. The fact that the school as well as a psychologist and psychiatrist have each independently arrived at the same specific LD, she knows better. As I stated in the OP, she is a know-it-all extraordinaire.
I've tried to encourage my son to determine if it is worth it to him to keep subjecting himself to this, he and I have had many hours of conversations on this subject. He'll come home, and want to vent/decompress almost immediately. I listen patiently, and offer some ideas on how to handle/what to say if similar situations arise in the future. I don't denigrate the ex or even the gf, my son does enough for the both of us. He knows his dad isn't cutting the mustard - but, he feels that his dad "deserves" to have a relationship with him, so he continues the visits. I've suggested that he only get together with him for actual one-on-one "dates" where he can spend a little time with his dad's undivided attention, instead of a weekend full of the gf browbeating him. My son feels that he is on shaky legs since he sees his father so little, he doesn't want him to feel upset. What can I say, my son is very compassionate despite the lacklustre job his dad is doing. Spending time at his dad's is most definitely my son's choice and he knows he can "cancel at any time".
I do like a lot of the ideas voiced in the thread so far - maybe these further details have provided some more insight for further suggestions. Thanks to everyone and reps going for everyone who posted!
You can't shield your son from annoying people for the rest of his life. I would look at this as an opportunity for him to learn how to deal with them.
You can't shield your son from annoying people for the rest of his life. I would look at this as an opportunity for him to learn how to deal with them.
Can you explain to me how it is that I am "shielding" my son?
Can you explain to me how it is that I am "shielding" my son?
Oh, no, I don't think you are. I'm just saying this is something he will have to deal with on an ongoing basis.
I have a sister that is a lot like the girlfriend, nitpicks on every little thing. My son lived with her for a year and spent a LOT of time in his room, lol. It's impossible to change people like this.
. . . verbally belittling and attacking him . . . depression . . . months of family counseling . . . unresolved issues with his dad (and the gf).
. . . stop her before she starts when she begins ragging on our son. . . . the gf constantly critiquing him . . . her interfering with parenting our son . . . I am trying to just ride this out but he is getting so fed up with her snippy comments that this last weekend he "blew up" verbally all over the two of them. . . . I am really concerned about where this may lead if it isn't dealt with.
Talking to my ex is like trying to herd cats - you can't rationalize with an irrational person. . . . I am wondering if I should have a talk with her? From what I have heard, she's quite the self-righteous know-it-all narcissist, so I'm not sure if that is even worth the effort.. . .
No, do not "just ride this out! Obviously, your son is already in counseling, depressed, and now blowing up over this.
You are an adult and you CAN talk to her about this. If she loves him and wants him to spend time in her presence, she will change her behavior.
He is going to loose respect for her and eventually for his father if this doesn't end.
Option 1: Stepmother is nice and visits continue.
Option 2: Stepmother & Dad have visits with Son in public (not at their residence) where they SHOULD be more apt to behave nicely.
Option 3: Dad visits with Son at your residence or at a public place.
It would be nice to see Dad and Son have some one-on-one bonding moments WITHOUT a third party. Son needs this!
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I See Three Options . . .
Obviously, your son is already in counseling, depressed, and now blowing up over this. 
