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He may still be adjusting to the new setting, or might simply be an introvert. There are plenty of kids who have no desire to be involved in superficial high school social crap. Unless he is truly depressed about the situation, it may be best to leave him alone and give him some space. If he is depressed, it may be beneficial for him to see a therapist or school counselor who may propose more ways to make friends.
Ringo1....don't worry, every child goes about his days in a different way....One of my sons is very outgoing and social, and has loads of friends....the other has very few, very select friends...he likes to work on his antique chainsaw collection at his cabin...He is definately more of a homebody...and there's nothing wrong with that....don't try to push your son to do what he doesn't really feel comfortable doing...He is his own individual self and probably just as happy as anyone else.
He may still be adjusting to the new setting, or might simply be an introvert. There are plenty of kids who have no desire to be involved in superficial high school social crap. Unless he is truly depressed about the situation, it may be best to leave him alone and give him some space. If he is depressed, it may be beneficial for him to see a therapist or school counselor who may propose more ways to make friends.
My family back home LIVES for all the superficial crap. Small town. His cousin had to be the prettiest; most popular; most social; homecoming court; 3 sleepovers per week-end . . . . so I guess it's ingrained into me that's what school (life) is all about for kids.
No, he isn't into all that and really never was. I was hoping to get him away from that whole mind-set because it was obvious that was never going to be his thing. I was tired of defending him - like he always fell short of most fabulous, popular guy. Well, not that I was tired of defending him; I was tired of having to defend him.
Thanks for your insights; I'll have to keep an eye on his mood elevator.
That being said, I still remember how much I hated high school.
Even though school just started could you plan to let him visit his friends as soon as possible.
Even if it is over Thanksgiving, (if not sooner) if there is a friend of his, or two whose families would like him to stay for as long as the school break allows.
Kids can be cruel and cliquey, so IMHO there is really nowhere you should try and force him to fit in, or expect most kids to do anything other than give him a hard time if his mother has to find friends for him.
(Other) Adults will often have a blind spot about any questionable behavior of their kids or athletes, maybe your son chooses not to run with kids that are too mature for him.
It's possible that he does have online friends he can talk to and feel connected to.
Maybe it's not as necessary to be "out doing things" as it once was.
That's not to say things are perfect, but perhaps not as dire as they can seem .
Music is probably an important part of his life, and how he expresses himself and works through feelings.
He may even try to share his music with you, (or you could ask him what his favorite songs are, BUT, this can not be used against him, or don't "go there") listen with an open mind, appreciate that he trusts you with his "feelings" and DON"T judge.
BTW,(for general information) Artists like Marilyn Manson, Ozzy Osbourne, and Slipknot are not evil. lol
What you hear in the music is almost definitely not what he is getting from it.
Thank him for sharing and let him know(only if it is true, with NO repercussions) that he can trust you to respect his choices.
Music (I'm sure) doesn't cause depression, but it can sometimes be used as a way for parents gauge a childs' emotional needs.
Also, many songs that SEEM to be about suicide are actually life-affirming and reassure the listener that they are not alone. Parents, don't jump to conclusions, the sound you hear after you do is the sound of your teens bedroom door closing for good.
He is almost assuredly aware of any issues involving the family, so if moving was in the best interests of the whole family, or necessary for financial reasons, he probably isn't going to place his needs above everyone else or make you feel bad by saying he'd rather be back where you moved from.
I just reread your post: Most likely the things YOU feel he is missing out on, are things that he doesn't care about and won't miss, ever.
I didn't go to prom (no regrets) and I left the state immediately after my High School graduation ceremony (I only went for my mom).
I bloomed in the real world, traveled the world, and experienced things many popular kids in High School were too afraid to even try.
Over the years when I would go home to visit, I found many of those same people from school were not happy now, were out of shape, and drank a lot.
Dragonfly, he was definitely a follower! It's a good thing his friends called and invited him because he definitely wouldn't be doing the calling.
We had a pool and I had to beg him to have his friends over.
I've thought about the two tickets thing. Maybe I'll do that.
I think he doesn't want to be seen with me because of his age. It used to be fine; but suddenly is no longer cool. It's ok at a restaurant or . . . well, at a restaurant.
I'm going to push him to church on Sunday; both of his good friends back home were in his youth group.
I'm struggling too. I have two good friends here - but I knew both of them from before we moved.
And he was all about moving! If he had said that he did not want to move ~ then I would have stayed put. He was excited to move to a bigger city. I think that excitement has worn off.
Thanks for everyone's advice. I'm thinking . . . find a church and get back into youth group. Swimming will start hard-core next week so he will be busy.
He doesn't seem terribly unhappy - but very moody. I can't tell if it's a teen-age thing or really unhappy. We've had a lot of changes this year AND my 90 year old father moved in with us . . so that's been hard too.
Just try to stay close with him. Sometimes children take a long time to grow out of the 'can't be seen with parents phase'.
Ask him to a matinee movie on Saturday or Sunday because you don't want to go alone. What was he looking forward to in the 'big city'? Instead of asking him how he feels- share how you feel. He may open up a little.
Have you looked into the churches in your area? Find one that has a good youth ministry. And are you single? A lot of churches have groups/classes for all of the life stages. It sounds like you could use some support with the move and now a caregiver for your father.
Here's the deal. He's kind of a loner but always had 2-3 good friends.
Since we moved to our new state and a much bigger city/school; he has spent more time at home than I can ever remember. Ever. All week-end; Friday nights. No football games; homecoming, movies; nothing. Unless swim season is in (he swims year round); he rarely leaves the house.
I'm worried sick about it.
He's 16 and just got his license. He never asks to drive anywhere - other than school and practice.
He had a girlfriend for a while this summer ~ and was always off doing things. She was a year older and had her license.
Now . . back to being alone.
Since he's 16 - I can't take him along with me to shop or see a movie or go for a walk . . . because he doesn't want to be seen with his Mother. I can't grill him with questions because I'll just make it worse.
He's smart; he's funny; and he's handsome. And I'm not just saying that. He does well in school; well in his chosen sport . . . . what's wrong? I know he keeps in close touch with his friends back home and one particular girl . . . but when I ask ~ he never says he wants to move back home.
I feel like crying every time I think about it. Why is he so alone?
Wow, there have been a lot of posts in the two hours it took me write mine.
(My new rescue kitty wanted to play.)
Since he was excited about being near/in a big city ask him why, and also find things to see or do that he couldn't experience where you were before.
Science and Technology museums, Comicon-type conventions, Art museums, etc.
Maybe sign up for those daily/weekly Groupon type promo deals in your area, I rarely actually buy one but I have found out some unusual activities, not just restaurants and massages.
I would not say that you do not have anything to worry about, but his behavior does seem pretty normal. He has moved away from everything that was normal, to a new place where everything is different. This sort of thing takes some time to get adjusted to. When I was 16, my family moved to another city and I struggled for about year before I finally started adjusting. I came from a private school into a public school. In my previous school, we had to wear uniforms to school everyday and when I got home, everyone wore jeans and a T-shirt. Little did I realize when I hit the public school that I should be wearing designer fashion. This quickly labeled me and I had to bounce back from that issue before others would open up to me. My parents nagging me about why I was not with my friends did not help the situation either. It was not like I was purposely trying to sit at home, there were just obstacles to overcome first. Keep as close of a relationship as you can with him, but give him some space to sort out all the adjustments he has to make. I would not ignore it, but I would not be overly panicked either.
It takes time to settle into a new school and meet people you want to be bothered with. And if your son isn't the naturally outgoing type, it may be even more time. I don't know how long you've been in your new city, but I would say just give him some time. Try to find some fun things for him to do, or something he's been wanting to do, and like someone else suggested, see if he wants to invite someone. If he doesn't, I wouldn't push it. For some people, superficial friendships are meaningless, they look for that one or two really good friends that they have something in common with and really click with. He may not want just "someone to hang out with," and may just be missing his old friends. Either he'll find a new good friend eventually, or he'll adjust to spending his time with just his family. I would only be concerned if he continues to seem withdrawn and depressed about it.
Just try to stay close with him. Sometimes children take a long time to grow out of the 'can't be seen with parents phase'.
Ask him to a matinee movie on Saturday or Sunday because you don't want to go alone. What was he looking forward to in the 'big city'? Instead of asking him how he feels- share how you feel. He may open up a little.
Have you looked into the churches in your area? Find one that has a good youth ministry. And are you single? A lot of churches have groups/classes for all of the life stages. It sounds like you could use some support with the move and now a caregiver for your father.
Best wishes,
~|~
Thanks! I kind of hinted tonight that I would Love to go see Contagion (and I know he would too). My friends would never go see something like that and I would love to go with him. Hmmm. Maybe if we venture into the next town over . . . so he won't have to bump into anyone he knows.
That's my plan for tomorrow. Fingers crossed that he will go.
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