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I don't know if you know what it means but here is the meaning of the term
This refers to a noncustodial parent who indulges his or her child with gifts and good times during visitation and leaves most or all disciplinary responsibilities to the other parent. The noncustodial parent provides luxuries that the custodial parent cannot afford but performs no disciplinary duties, in an effort to gain or retain the child's affection.
Has anyone dealt with this and how do you deal with it?
I believe that is what my ex is doing. My daughter comes home with almost every toy in Target every time she sees her dad. He takes her on big vacations as well. I am happy that he is in her life but since he has been doing this she reminds me that dad is more fun than mom. He is not involved in her education, medical needs or extra sports. He sees her maybe 5-6 times due to his military career. He gives no discipline and lets her think their is no conclusions to bad behavior. Any advice?
I dont see the big deal in it. He sees her 5-6 times a year, why wouldn't he want to have fun with his daughter while he's there seeing her? What exactly do you expect him to do while he's there visiting your daughter?
I dont see the big deal in it. He sees her 5-6 times a year, why wouldn't he want to have fun with his daughter while he's there seeing her? What exactly do you expect him to do while he's there visiting your daughter?
I am looking for advice on others that experience this issue but here is one article that describes the issue.
There are numerous other articles that show the problem of being this type of non custodial parent.
I had an uncle who indulged in this type of behavior. I suspect it's a combination of power/control, and insecurity from the non-custodial parent. They don't have to actually parent if they can buy the child's affections. There really isn't much that can be done, and I think in most situations the children wise-up.
I think that's fairly common, especially among non-custodial parents who don't see their children frequently. It can stem from guilt or just wanting to stock up on happy moments. I can understand the custodial parent's frustration, though--it's similar to issues with grandparents who spoil their grandkids, undermine authority, etc. Perhaps you could approach this situation in the same way. Seeing her dad is a vacation, not an episode of parenting. If you let go of the expectations that you have for him to be a parent (discipline, decisions, involvement, etc.) and regard him as somebody fun but inconsequential, that might help take the frustration away.
I had an uncle who indulged in this type of behavior. I suspect it's a combination of power/control, and insecurity from the non-custodial parent. They don't have to actually parent if they can buy the child's affections. There really isn't much that can be done, and I think in most situations the children wise-up.
I don't have any personal experience with this but have seen it many times with friends. I'm sure that you've already attempted to talk to your ex already? If he's not receptive or respectful of your wishes - I'm not sure there is much you can do except wait it out since Zimbo is right - the kids eventually figure it out (who's been there when they are sick, had a bad day at school, went to see them in sporting events...)
I've had alot of experience with this. I married a Disneyland Father.
Parents divorced, Dad moved 3 states away for better job and only got to see his 3 kids whenever he could pony up the money to fly them down or he could take the time off for a trip up to see them. His apartment was definitely a bachelor pad and he had to stay in motel when he went to visit them. No real home atmosphere on either end.
he was not trying to buy their affection or loyalty. He simply didn't know any other way to do it. Kids were bored when they were with him unless he was entertaining them non stop. He went into debt trying to do it this way for several years before I entered the picture. Without a family home to have some semblance of continued rhythm of life, the non custodial parent and especially one who does not live close by for routine visits feels it is the only way to parent.
And I'm sorry to say it did not stop until we married. Once we established a home together, we had the kids as much as possible and I tried my darnedest to entertain them with at- home activities like free museum visits, cooking and sewing classes at home, rented bikes etc. If I hadn't entered the picture, it would have gone to such an extreme as to bankrupt him.
There is a great deal wrong with one parent being the gift giver, entertainer and the other one being the educator, real life giver.
Try to talk to your ex either by writing your feelings or speaking face- to- face about how the split responsibilities and roles you have taken are harming your daughter and her perspective about a father's roll in a child's life. Don't accuse him of trying to buy her love, he simply may not have any other ideas on how to parent.
Singlelady10.....I wouldn't worry about it too much, because as your child grows she will soon enough realize who IS really there for her...through the good and bad....no doubt YOU will be the one that she comes to when she troubled or dealing with the real issues in life.....so let him have his time with her, and if that means buying things for her...it's all good.....guaranteed when she's older she will look to you as the stability and rock in her life.
I dont see the big deal in it. He sees her 5-6 times a year, why wouldn't he want to have fun with his daughter while he's there seeing her? What exactly do you expect him to do while he's there visiting your daughter?
Because he's buying the child's loyalty. He is turning himself into the 'fun' parent while the mom is stuck with doing all the things that are important, yet mundane and dull.
Because he's buying the child's loyalty. He is turning himself into the 'fun' parent while the mom is stuck with doing all the things that are important, yet mundane and dull.
Again, I still dont see the issue. I was in the same situation as a child, except reversed. My father had custody of us, and we stayed with my mom twice a month. When we visited her, she got us stuff and we always had fun.
I am VERY close with my mother now, we talk every single day. I dont think any "harm" came out of the situation at all. My mother made the best of the time she had with us.
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