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She is 17 yo and an honor student and smart as she can be, but it would seem that she lacks a great deal of empathy. My mother just died early yesterday morning and I've had little sleep since then and I came home this afternoon and found the house a mess--again. I was irritated to say the least and made her come clean it up. Later, I asked her to go to dinner with me this evening but she said that she was going over to her dad's to watch movies tonight. I asked her to cancel but she said she didn't want to b/c she hasn't seen him since last weekend. I was very, very hurt and didn't press her b/c dammed if I'll make anyone spend time with me and later he texted her and told her that maybe she needed to be with me after what happened. (The man is about as sensitive as an old shoe but even he was more sympathetic than she was.) Then she came in and said she wanted to go to dinner with me but by that time I was completely outraged and told her to forget it and go to her dad's. She lied and told me that she had said that she wanted to go to dinner and I hadn't listened but I know for a fact that's not true and I repeated word for word back to her what she said and she just walked off and sulked. I swear, I cannot look at her now and am wondering if I'm just being oversensitive or if she's completely lacking in human feelings.
Another bit of background of why I"m so outraged by this is that the ex has seen her for an average of about 1 hour/week since he left 3 years ago, but lately has fallen off to about 1 hour in 2 weeks and this while I was having to go out of town and take care of things with my mother and he couldn't even be bothered to come see his dd while I was doing that and now she'd rather spend time with him than be with me when I need her the most. And I might add that we generally have a good and affectionate relationship--there's usually not that much teenage angst with her and what a bad time for it to rear its ugly head. Can this even be fixed? As I said, my ex did and said some pretty insensitive things during our 23 year marriage, but even he knows that when someone is hurting you spend time with them.
I am so sorry for the loss of your mother my friend
I know you have been dealing with her health issues for a while and I'm guessing you are just plumb exhausted at this point.
Try to remember that your grief and pain are making you like one big ole raw nerve right now.
Your daughter acted thoughtlessly, that's all. Not saying that is okay, just saying right now it feels worse to you than it may actually be.
YES, this can, and I'm betting WILL, be fixed.
Right now is just not the time to worry about it. You are not thinking real straight and grief makes us so very sensitive in so many ways.
I think your daughter has gotten the message now that she let you down. Give her an opportunity to make it up to you in her own way. I really do think she will
I too am sorry for the loss of your mother...Loves Mts has posted ideas similar to what I think for you...
Just a comment: At the young age of 17, I don't think it would have initially occurred to me to be there for my mother in that way...some are more thoughtful at that age, some still immature.
my dd wasn't really all that close to mom--mom was not a good grandmother and took little interest in either of my girls. I actually had a pretty difficult relationship with her as she was distant to me but not my brother, but having a difficult relationship does not make it hurt less. So, my dd didn't really even know my mother all that well.
Stepka, my sympathies to you on the loss of your mother. I am so sorry.
As far as your daughter's behavior, my guess would be what you stated above. It's hard to say without talking to your daughter about it though. You really would be doing both of you a favor to try and open some dialogue about it. I hope things get better for you.
most teenager basically only care about themselves. as for wanting to be with her dad that's normal. It's not about you personally it's about just being with her father. Your there with her but he left and kids always have a desire for the absent parent..
Deal with your personal grief and for the moment try to block out the actions of your daughter. You can deal with that later. For an absent parent sometimes kids think some time is better than no time and they try to get all they can get because deep down they know it can end at any moment.
I don't think your daughter was being malicious, but just didn't know how to handle the situation.
The maturation process occurs in fits and starts. She's not fully formed yet, so her behavior was somewhat typical for a 17 yo. At that age kids can surprise you with amazing maturity one minute, and then incredible childishness and self-centeredness the next.
Like LM said, I think she'll try to make it up to you.
Your daughter probably doesn't know how to react or what to do to comfort you so she is retreating to somewhere else. I hope that you come to forgive her and understand that she doesn't know the proper way to respond to the situation. If your employer has an Employee Assistance Program you may want to call them and see if you can talk to a grief counselor to help you with your grieving and to help you understand your daughter's reaction.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Caltovegas
most teenager basically only care about themselves. as for wanting to be with her dad that's normal. It's not about you personally it's about just being with her father. Your there with her but he left and kids always have a desire for the absent parent..
Deal with your personal grief and for the moment try to block out the actions of your daughter. You can deal with that later. For an absent parent sometimes kids think some time is better than no time and they try to get all they can get because deep down they know it can end at any moment.
While I'm not justifying her behaviour, maybe her daughter didn't want to deal with the OP in her grieving state? Did you make it clear that you wanted to spend time with her, or was it more like 'we're going to dinner.' Either way, maybe she found it painful to see you like that.
But not knowing her, it's a situation where it's hard to tell if she really is just being insensitive or something else is going on. As in life, it's probably a bit of both.
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Can this even be fixed? As I said, my ex did and said some pretty insensitive things during our 23 year marriage, but even he knows that when someone is hurting you spend time with them.
