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Did you know that in some culture they actually have cologne FOR babies? Considering how babies smell most of the time (except for that 3 minute window immediately after bathing), I would personally be happy for some other smell besides dirty diaper and stale burped up formula/breast milk. But, hey that's me.
To answer your question (so as to me not completely OT), It wouldn't bother me.
20yrsinBranson
My son loves fruit. So once he started solids he smelled like melon and strawberries.
My 4 1/2 mo old grandson started getting congested right after he started daycare at 3 months. My daughter in law says it's cologne or strong scented lotions, etc., since she is allergic to these, so shortly after she asked me before she would allow me to hold him if I wearing such. I said "No" and she said, "Are you sure?" which hurt my feelings because I wouldn't think of being dishonest. When I later got to keep the baby one day after a month, as soon as I arrived she said I had on "something" offensive, but I had on no cologne and no body lotion. I told her it could only be my body wash, so I immediately went and took a shower and put on my son's clothes while mine were in the washer so nothing would bother the baby. She called me this week, the night before I was supposed to come again, and asked that I take a shower the night before and not wear any makeup because he'd been sick ever since I'd kept him... She is convinced that it is me that is making him sick, yet he goes to daycare every day. She said it has to be someone he's in prolonged contact with, and no one at daycare is sick. Let me hear from other grandmothers and also daughters in law out there. Does this sound reasonable to you? Or is she being unreasonable? This is her first child, so I'm trying to be understanding and patient, but it's getting to be a bit much. I've tried to do everything she's asked, to not intrude, and not give advice, but it's beginning to feel like she's looking for an excuse to keep me away from my only grandchild... She's a terrific mom, is breast feeding and doing everything right and I've bragged on her and my son. But they're breaking my heart with this kind of stuff... (We had planned for me to keep the baby when she went back to work, but they decided day care was better, for socialization. At 3 mo old...) Help me understand if I'm just taking this all wrong or if she's really being unreasonable, and how can I deal with it and still build a good relationship where it's already been tenuous? Serious replies only, please...
It's really common for kids to get sick a lot when they start daycare. My oldest was sick all the time as a baby...she wasn't in daycare, but my husband worked in a kids' hospital and he brought the germs home, I guess. He had to change jobs. Then she was sick a lot again when she started kindergarten, and our youngest would get sick too. The last few years they seem to have outgrown it...maybe they've already encountered all the more common germs that kids pass around.
I can understand socialization being an issue for a toddler, but not an infant. That baby is going to lay in the crib most of the time and come out to be fed or changed, then put back in the crib so that the day care employee can tend to another infant. Maybe your son and daughter-in-law are trying to be considerate and not take advantage of you by expecting you to babysit all the time. Considering all the threads we see here where people are upset that the grandparents won't babysit, your son and daughter in law are very lucky to have you, and they will probably realize that at some point. Some people are really paranoid about their first child and you just have to wait for them to outgrow that.
Personally, I wouldn't press the issue. Let the baby get sick at daycare a few more times, and then casually ask if it's possible that he's getting sick from other kids, and ask what the pediatrician has said. Repeat your offer to take care of him if she seems to be blaming daycare. There are plenty of ways to socialize a child who doesn't go to daycare...when he's a little older, he could go to a mothers-day-out program a couple days a week while you took care of him the other days. You could take him to the zoo, the children's museum, storytime at the library, etc. Nobody at the daycare is going to love him and give him the one-on-one attention that you can give. (That may be part of the issue too, DIL may be worried that he will bond with you rather than her if you're caring for him all the time.)
I never understand why people think babies stink. Oh sure when they have a dirty diaper - but that's not the babies, fault - the parent needs to change the diaper! The rest of the time, they smell so good. My babies heads smelled like toast. My youngest son smelled like honeysuckle and my older son like earth - a good warmed dirt kind of earthy smell. We used cloth diapers, so we changed right away when they peed or pooped. Maybe that makes a difference? We also breastfed, so maybe that makes a difference, too? My babies never did that spit-up thing that I've seen other babies do.
I never understand why people think babies stink. Oh sure when they have a dirty diaper - but that's not the babies, fault - the parent needs to change the diaper! The rest of the time, they smell so good. My babies heads smelled like toast. My youngest son smelled like honeysuckle and my older son like earth - a good warmed dirt kind of earthy smell. We used cloth diapers, so we changed right away when they peed or pooped. Maybe that makes a difference? We also breastfed, so maybe that makes a difference, too? My babies never did that spit-up thing that I've seen other babies do.
I think babies smell good!
Well, I think a lot of it is a maternal thing. You love your own, you think your babies are smell wonderful - it is a similar thing, I think to the fact that we don't think our own toots stink and sometimes even think they smell good. LOL I love to smell my cats belly. It smells wonderful. I suspect that this is just my interpretation of the smell because I love my cat. I expect that other people might not feel the same way. Babies are like that too. They smell good to their own, but stink to high heaven to disinterested third parties.
I grew up in a home daycare and then started babysitting other people's babies at age 12... so I've smelled a lot of people's babies. So, it wasn't just my own I thought smelled fine. Of course, I did think my own babies smelled better!!
To Irish Eyes: No, I'm not and have never been a smoker. Neither is my husband. It's been one excuse after another and is beginning to feel like she just doesn't want me around him.
To all: She's been very strict about his schedule ( I remember those days with my first one) and about wanting him to learn to pacify himself and not be held all the time. So I made an "appointment" to go over and hold him for awhile when he was a couple months old. My son said to be there at 9, and that his mom would be getting ready to take him out for a drive, so that would be a good time. When I got there about 9:15, the baby was in his pack n play, and she was getting ready to go. (My son was not at home.) I asked if I could pick him up, and she said no, she was trying to get him to take a nap. (and leaving in 45 min???) He was wide awake looking around, and I HAD MADE AN APPT TO COME HOLD HIM! I'm telling you: Hell would freeze over before I would have even thought of telling my mother or mother in law they couldn't hold one of my babies! Even if they wanted to wake them up from sleeping! She wouldn't let me hold him, or change him or bathe him one night when we were there for dinner. I know you all don't know me, but I'm a retired elem teacher with a master's degree and a community leader. It's not like I'm someone with a criminal record that she needs to keep away. Why would anyone do this to their child's grandparent, and to the child?? I would think she would want to take every chance to allow him to receive all the love and nurturing he could get. So, should I continue to not wear any makeup and not use any scented products from now til she gives me permission? I don't have a clue how to approach this. I wish I could talk to her, but the times I've tried it hasn't been productive. She's spoken in a disrespectful tone to me now several times, and I have no idea why. My husband says after all these years it's not going to change and I have to just accept it. Is this true?
It's really common for kids to get sick a lot when they start daycare. My oldest was sick all the time as a baby...she wasn't in daycare, but my husband worked in a kids' hospital and he brought the germs home, I guess. He had to change jobs. Then she was sick a lot again when she started kindergarten, and our youngest would get sick too. The last few years they seem to have outgrown it...maybe they've already encountered all the more common germs that kids pass around.
I can understand socialization being an issue for a toddler, but not an infant. That baby is going to lay in the crib most of the time and come out to be fed or changed, then put back in the crib so that the day care employee can tend to another infant. Maybe your son and daughter-in-law are trying to be considerate and not take advantage of you by expecting you to babysit all the time. Considering all the threads we see here where people are upset that the grandparents won't babysit, your son and daughter in law are very lucky to have you, and they will probably realize that at some point. Some people are really paranoid about their first child and you just have to wait for them to outgrow that.
Personally, I wouldn't press the issue. Let the baby get sick at daycare a few more times, and then casually ask if it's possible that he's getting sick from other kids, and ask what the pediatrician has said. Repeat your offer to take care of him if she seems to be blaming daycare. There are plenty of ways to socialize a child who doesn't go to daycare...when he's a little older, he could go to a mothers-day-out program a couple days a week while you took care of him the other days. You could take him to the zoo, the children's museum, storytime at the library, etc. Nobody at the daycare is going to love him and give him the one-on-one attention that you can give. (That may be part of the issue too, DIL may be worried that he will bond with you rather than her if you're caring for him all the time.)
I actually asked my DIL the other day if maybe people coming in at daycare with strong cologne on could be making him sick. She's convinced that the smells are what's doing it. She said no, that it had to be prolonged contact, and that no one at the day care had an issue. So she's trying to say that I'm the only one making the baby sick, and that's impossible! I haven't worn any cologne around him at all! When she told me the first day that they had already put him in daycare instead of staying with me as planned, and that it was for socialization, I told her that I'd already planned to get him involved in all kinds of things, anything they wanted. I'm familiar with the many activities developing for babies and toddlers now, and would take him to anything they wanted. Then she said that someone at work had told her that if they were ever going to put him in daycare that they needed to do it early for him to accept it. This almost makes sense, except that both my children stayed with a grandparent or nanny til toddler-dom, and then went to day care and were fine! All children go through separation anxiety at a certain age, no matter what you do. I truly believe this goes back to the fact that for whatever reason she just doesn't like me, and this is one way she can hurt me. I've asked her, and I've asked my son, and cannot find out what I've done to make her feel this way. It's been like this for many years now. They've been together for almost 20 years! I would give anything to find out, and if I've done something or said something to cause a break in our relationship, to be able to mend it. But she won't tell me and give me a chance. She won't open up and talk to me about it. I've cried, I've talked to my son, and I've talked to a counselor, and nothing changes.
Mistletoe - I'm sure it hurts that they decided that they don't want you to watch the baby and instead chose daycare. But you have to let that go. Don't ever mention it to them again. And I would completely stop trying to go through your DIL. Speak to your son, and visit the baby when your son is there. Ask you son directly if this kind of lunacy is going on all the time. If it is he should realize that this is not at all normal and that he needs to speak up. If he doesn't have the nerve to do it himself, he needs to go to the next pediatrician appointment with his wife present and ask the doctor about her bizarre theories. And he needs to man up and let his Mom see the baby. It's not HER child alone and a Dad should certainly be able to make decisions for his child.
But honestly - If you can find out when her Mother is going to be there, or some other member of her family I also suggest dropping by. Then you can see for yourself if her side of the family is also banned from physical contact. Your DIL sounds like a real gem but in these situations I always look to the blood relative. I have had some strange issues with inlaws, but my brothers are the ones that let it go on. Your son is the solution to this problem. He will either speak up, or he won't. But try to stop making it about her from now on.
Mistletoe, I agree with Irish Eyes. Do not take it personally. I had a very unusual relationship with my now EXdaughter-in-law - and we are still on a "Mom" basis. I was either very lucky or just a nice grandma, but I had carte-blanche with her children (not the same with other daughters-in-law). You can't blame yourself for how others' behavior and, unfortunately, you have to let this one go. Do what Irish said and try to visit when her family is there. She might be intimidated by you. or not.
As to the OP, I have a very dear friend who used to asphyxiate me with her perfume. It was so strong and even after the first time I spoke to her about it, it was on her clothing. I explained that I get physically ill, headaches mostly, but also feel as though I can't breathe and it stayed in my car or on my clothes after spending time with her and that it is worse during the winter. She not only makes sure she doesn't wear perfume at all when with me but airs out any jackets/coats if we are spending time together during the winter. I noticed at her daughter's wedding that her perfume was much lighter. It used to be that you smelled her coming into a room and for hours after she left. Not so after our talk. Be kind and you will get results.
I suggest that you find a quiet time and explain that the baby appears to have an allergy and you need to make sure she doesn't wear perfume whenever she is going to be near the baby because you really like that the baby is able to spend time getting to know her and that the time with grandparents is, to you, an important part of a child's life.
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She's a terrific mom, is breast feeding and doing everything right and I've bragged on her and my son. But they're breaking my heart with this kind of stuff... (We had planned for me to keep the baby when she went back to work, but they decided day care was better, for socialization. At 3 mo old...) Help me understand if I'm just taking this all wrong or if she's really being unreasonable, and how can I deal with it and still build a good relationship where it's already been tenuous? Serious replies only, please...
