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[quote=Zimbochick;26721625]I'm so sorry for your DIL's loss.
It's very unfortunate that your daughters had to experience this, and I'm sure it will take time for them to process. I do believe your response will be key in how they view the situation. I know you don't care for your DIL (according to past posts), but I would caution against expressing anger about the situation in front of your daughters.
I would suggest you reinforce to your daughters that their presence during such a distressing time for your DIL must have offered some comfort, and commend them for any positive attributes they exhibited in handling the situation.[/quote]
Quote:
Originally Posted by Momma_bear
I think this will be a lot for them to process. It is traumatic for them to experience the loss of a human life, especially one they considered their niece/nephew. I would talk to a therapist, but I would also be extra nurturing to them during this period. I would also talk to them about it. They will take some of their cues from you.
Hugs to all of you.
I am so sorry about your son and DILs loss of a baby.
It was unfortunate that your daughters had such a close involvement to the situation. I agree with other posters that your DIL was probably in denial and didn't realize that she would actually be having a miscarriage.
I hope that the highlighted comments above are helpful to you.
It's very unfortunate that your daughters had to experience this, and I'm sure it will take time for them to process. I do believe your response will be key in how they view the situation. I know you don't care for your DIL (according to past posts), but I would caution against expressing anger about the situation in front of your daughters.
I would suggest you reinforce to your daughters that their presence during such a distressing time for your DIL must have offered some comfort, and commend them for any positive attributes they exhibited in handling the situation.
This subject has no useful purpose. Why is it even posted? The witnessing of a miscarriage is extremely rare...most take place in absolute privacy. The chances of others being part of this event is a million too one...The person having the miscarriage is irresponsible...once they felt this coming on they should have left the scene and left the other kids out of the picture....modern people are so weak.
What the he** are you talking about? Poeple have miscarriages at hospitals everyday. Most people would not leave a woman alone when miscarrying, it is a very traumatic event. This is not cavemen days when a woman goes into the bushes to be alone. The purpose of the OP's posting was to get input on how to help her daughters through a hard time.
This all sounds like a bunch of over-hyped drama to me.
Just talk to your kids and explain to them this is a natural physiological process.
They are reacting to someone else's reaction to this. Don't compound it by acting all distraught yourself.
Just because something is a natural physiological process does not mean it can't also be traumatic. Especially for people who are untrained and unprepared. These teens were dealing with several young children, while attempting to keep them calm while also healping the mother in medical distress. Pooh-poohing what went on as simply a part of nature isn't helpful. All death is part of the natural process but we don't go around dismissing people for having feelings about it.
Just because something is a natural physiological process does not mean it can't also be traumatic. Especially for people who are untrained and unprepared. These teens were dealing with several young children, while attempting to keep them calm while also healping the mother in medical distress. Pooh-poohing what went on as simply a part of nature isn't helpful. All death is part of the natural process but we don't go around dismissing people for having feelings about it.
The mother surely felt absolutely...well, I don't even know how to describe the feelings of a mother miscarrying.
But we are talking about the daughters' reactions. While they must have felt panicked and scared, I don't see any reason to fuel that with dramatic overtures. I am almost 100% sure their reaction is not to the miscarriage but to the feelings of the mother and her loss and grief.
This is when it's appropriate to contextualize the experience and where miscarriage lies in the spectrum of human experience. Not run around like a chicken with your head cut off.
The mother surely felt absolutely...well, I don't even know how to describe the feelings of a mother miscarrying.
But we are talking about the daughters' reactions. While they must have felt panicked and scared, I don't see any reason to fuel that with dramatic overtures. I am almost 100% sure their reaction is not to the miscarriage but to the feelings of the mother and her loss and grief.
I don't see that the OP was actually making dramatic overtures -she said she was asking for help because her daughters were distraught. She indicated that her venting was online not in real life. Maybe I missed something. And the daughters saw the dead fetus. I can certainly see where that could cause distress in addition to whatever their feeling for the mother might be.
I do absolutely agree discussions should take place about this being a natural event and one that does happen. I agree with Zimbo that the girls should be reassured that their presence was helpful and of comfort to the mother. But I don't agree that feelings of distress they might be hving should be dismissed as no big deal because it's natural...
I should have had a say so in whether or not mine witnessed her having the miscarriage
I highly doubt (and I mean HIGHLY doubt) your DIL's plan was to go home and have her miscarriage there just so your daughters would have to witness it.
Horrible things happen to us. Something horrible happened to your DIL. And it was a horrible thing for your daughters to witness. But there is nothing you can do to change it.
Except let go of your anger towards your DIL. This is not the time for anger and judgement. This is a time for compassion.
Like it or not, your daughters will learn something from this experience. What they learn is up to you. They can learn that they are stronger than they think they are. And they can learn that they have a family that pulls together in time of great sorrow and grief. They can learn they they are surrounded by love no matter what they witness and what they have to go through in life.
Talk to them. Hold them. Let them talk. Ask them if they want to see a counselor. Talk to them some more. Stay silent when they need silence.
Then take them to see her. (Which may be the hardest thing you'll ever do knowing some of your past history with her.) But if you do, and if you can express love and understanding toward her and if your daughters witness you doing that, your family can actually come together and be stronger. Life is hard. Life is tremendously hard. But you have a chance here to ease the pain of a lot of people, including your DIL. Her grief must be huge. Your girls' grief must be huge. Time to pull the mother pants on and be the person who is there for all three of them.
I wish you all well. Most of all I wish you peace.
I highly doubt (and I mean HIGHLY doubt) your DIL's plan was to go home and have her miscarriage there just so your daughters would have to witness it.
Horrible things happen to us. Something horrible happened to your DIL. And it was a horrible thing for your daughters to witness. But there is nothing you can do to change it.
Except let go of your anger towards your DIL. This is not the time for anger and judgement. This is a time for compassion.
Like it or not, your daughters will learn something from this experience. What they learn is up to you. They can learn that they are stronger than they think they are. And they can learn that they have a family that pulls together in time of great sorrow and grief. They can learn they they are surrounded by love no matter what they witness and what they have to go through in life.
Talk to them. Hold them. Let them talk. Ask them if they want to see a counselor. Talk to them some more. Stay silent when they need silence.
Then take them to see her. (Which may be the hardest thing you'll ever do knowing some of your past history with her.) But if you do, and if you can express love and understanding toward her and if your daughters witness you doing that, your family can actually come together and be stronger. Life is hard. Life is tremendously hard. But you have a chance here to ease the pain of a lot of people, including your DIL. Her grief must be huge. Your girls' grief must be huge. Time to pull the mother pants on and be the person who is there for all three of them.
I wish you all well. Most of all I wish you peace.
Yes. Exactly.
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