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Race is a very important factor here, regardless of what you think. One of the concerns that she has, is his family trying to teach her negative things about Whites--this is one of her main concerns and I don't want her mind polluted with this ignorant garbage either.
I know a kid who was in a similar situation-he is 20 years old now- he was raised by a White Mom, black Dad was totally absent. He grew up in a White neighborhood- deep inside, he knows he is "different", he may even tell people that he is "Black" but culturally he can't even relate to most Black people.
He just married a White girl and I think her daughter may turn out like this guy- he is aware of being "Black" or "different" but unable to relate to most Black people because the White half/influences were stronger.
Lol, you underestimate the kid's ability to think independendantly...
I went through the whole "white people are scum" thing but I never accepted it because I was (still am) half white. You won't be able to shield her from it, though, she'll hear about it as soon as she starts socializing. In my experience, and from the impressions I've gotten from other biracial folk, you learn pretty quickly to take what anyone has to say on race with a grain of salt.
I grew up with a similar situation to the guy you mention, for a time, and yeah, you grow up not being able to fit in with Black people or White people. But, you end up comfortable, for the most part, with both groups of people..or just people..
The dirty dirty secret? The two groups are more similar than they are different. It's actually pretty hilarious after a while...watching people freak out over the most idiotic of details...
Let the kid go through her phases though...
Also, I'm going to stress this because it's something that took me a while to learn...being able to relate to them or not, it won't change the fact that in the eyes of everyone but those who are more culturally aware*, she'll be black. The sooner she understands that reality, the easier it'll be for her to move on to more pertinent issues..
More specifically, she'll need to know how to be a biracial person in black person's body. And that's something you won't be able to teach her...but something she'll pick up on her own.
I'm assuming she's American.
* White people are notriously culturally unaware in my experience...never have I ever gotten as much opposition to my insistance of being half white from any other group. Black people will insist you're 'still black' but will drop it and accept you as whatever you wish to define yourself as, and the other cultural groups, more and more, won't second guess you...Asians especially are pretty good at being like 'you must be mixed, though'...which I've always thought was pretty cool.
Last edited by dub dub II; 11-24-2012 at 05:26 AM..
he may even tell people that he is "Black" but culturally he can't even relate to most Black people.
This is funny because even full black people (my age, at least) have this sentiment. It has little to do with race, imo. It's more realizing your individuality and contrasting that to how people don't perceive it immediately, or at all.
It's like 'I'm not even like them!'...only to realize that it doesn't matter to most people what you're actually like, and that most people, black or not, think of themselves as individuals first, anyway.
Race is a very important factor here, regardless of what you think. One of the concerns that she has, is his family trying to teach her negative things about Whites--this is one of her main concerns and I don't want her mind polluted with this ignorant garbage either.
Quote:
I was talking to her the other day and she was like "Well, I don't want them teaching her any ignorant, ghetto ****".
Kids make the adjustment a lot earlier than adults think. If the white parent feels comfortable around black people the child will pick up on that. If the black parent feels comfortable around white people the kid will pick up on that. The last thing you want to do is teach a kid that there are two teams ,the white team and the black team and they got to pick which team they'er gonna play for. Kids are a product of the home environment. The more secure they are ,the more likely they will be able to take chances and make good decisions for them self.
Its really not a race thing is it class oriented. I know adults who are bi-racial and they seem to have a unique view of this thing we call race in America. One was raise by a white upper middle class family and the other in a traditional home with their biological parents. I also see many biracial kids who are being raised by poor single young white girls. ( its like an epidemic in some places) Its all about the aspirations and expectations you have for the child and not their race or income.
I had a Brazilian tell me his family crosses the color line every generation and it doesn't matter because they all Brazilian.
Lol, as a biracial adult of the same persuasion, the child's about to go through a hard life with that type of mom.
I should write a book...or maybe my mom should.
My thoughts are...
When it comes down to it, black people accept biracial people as their own, whereas white people think of biracial people as outsiders.
Her mother won't change that...she'll lose that battle and make her child's life harder as a consequence.
Best thing she can do is to start thinking from her child's perspective...deal with the reality as it is...and start incorporating that into how she rears the child. Though, with that type of language, I'm not sure how practical that advice is....
That is a very broad generalization which may be your own experience but it is not how everyone is.
Speaking as a white woman with several biracial children in the family who are all loved.
Ok, this is why I have the rule "Never sleep with anyone you can't imagine having a kid with." I'm reasonably certain that all the men I've had sex with would be very involved fathers.
How I see race being related to this matter is that this kid is being kept from half her heritage - it HAPPENS to be black (yeah, yeah, I know what Carlin would say). But what she's likely to equate this withdrawal from her father's family is a concept that "black is bad" at a very fundamental level. And that's not good for her.
So what if they're putting down white people? They're not her primary influence. My grandmother was pretty racist, but it made me hold HER in contempt, not people of other ethnicities. It was a long time before I actually developed any respect for her because that side of her was just so ugly. And since this kid is living with her white family, she'll know what's up for real when her black relatives run down whites.
Let her meet her father's family and spend time with them. The mother comes along on these outings if the family can't be trusted to be responsible with an infant. If they're entirely toxic, then nix the visits - but it's rare there's NO ONE in a family who has anything to offer a small child. Visit with the more functional family members the most. Everyone has sketchy relatives in their families, but as long as the kid's primary parent is modeling good behavior and remaining hands-on and involved, that parent will be the main influence.
Either way, this little girl needs to learn to celebrate both sides of her parentage. I've never been to Iowa and I could be totally wrong, but my vibe is that the diversity there is rather .... lacking. I worry about a kid who maybe is taking crap at school from the white kids and only has a vibe that her black family is not up to her mother's standards. I went to private school in Jersey - I grew up with friends of all races and nationalities. It was easy for me to understand that there are a lot of other cultures out there beyond my entirely white family and see just how awesome that variety is. Her mom needs to teach her to embrace what is different, to think critically from an early age about the stuff people tell her and keep an open mind when encountering something that might not match up with the culture she is growing up in.
Her mom also has to model responsible behavior and avoid dating men who might not accept a biracial child like the plague. No "Oh he could come around" or "He didn't mean to be insensitive" etc. If there's the slightest sign they're going to hold this kid's race against her, they HAVE to be gone. I've seen parents waffle on this issue and it boggles my mind entirely.
White people are the global minority. So educate this kid from a global perspective. "Multicultural" sounds cheesy and lame to a lot of people, but it was my experience growing up and it always made perfect sense to me.
It's early AM here. I don't know if this made much sense.
She should have been more concerned with the Father's lack of "not much to offer" before this little unexpected gift arrived. It doesn't appear to be much of an issue since she wasn't that concerned before so why the drastic change in her opinion of this guy and it is really very hard to understand how you can actually say she is "The least racist" when she has voiced the above statements.
The question I have to you is why do you care, not your child, your girlfriend or your issue to deal with.
I'm with CSD610 here. I know she's a good friend of yours, Repubocrat...but if I were you I'd want to keep my distance and not get too involved here. Your friend doesn't exactly seem like a saint herself.
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