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We returned to the US in April, after 8 years overseas. Our sons are 10 and 6, and they left behind strong family relationships and close friends, especially the 10 year old. At the time that we were moving, we told him that we have about three years, until roughly the time when he would start high school, to decide whether it was working out for everyone, and if it really wasn't, then we would consider returning so he could start and complete high school with his old classmates.
Since moving, we've gotten them into soccer and martial arts and been proactive in getting other kids over to play, etc, and I am confident that during these next three years they will continue to make friends, learn to enjoy living here, and thrive. But absolutely we would look at returning if they were really struggling and that was what we thought the situation required.
This is not pandering to them. It's recognising that we as the parents make the decisions and take responsibility, but everyone in our family needs to have a voice and be heard. What's the point in having kids if you aren't willing to listen and pay attention to how they feel about themselves and their world? It doesn't necessarily mean that things always work out the way they think is best - but sometimes it does. And either way, they know that how things are for them matters to us, the most important adults in their life.
There is ample evidence that moving is enormously stressful on adults, and more so on children who have far fewer skills to deal with it. Many kids can successfully adjust with the right support and a bit of time, but some just don't tolerate it as well as others. Maybe moving back really might be the best option for the health of their family; only they can know. It makes me sad to see the "whiny kid just needs to suck it up" tone to a lot of these posts on a parenting thread.
Yes -- I think that's a good age for a child for the parents to wait to relocate. Unless there are no jobs and no way to stay in some area, or a military family situation -- even then, I know military families that bend over backward to keep some stability for their children especially at certain ages. Once the child is 18 and out of highschool, then the parents can move around like gypsies if they like.
When I was in my 20s I loved moving and I did -- but I would not have liked it when I was 8 years old. I cannot imagine that it's like to be the only new kid in the class and everyone else knew each other from kindergarten. There was one of these new kids in my daughter's 4th grade and her parents gave her a birthday party and not one kid but mine showed up. My cousins had to move a few times because their dad's job was transferred and they hated it and it did affect them negatively. At least there were 4 of them and they had each other when they had to give up friends and neighbors.
I can't see the point in having kids if you can't adjust your own life to child-rearing and even if you like to be rootless yourself, you need to put the kids first sometimes.
I've been coming back to this thread and thinking about it a bit more. If the move is away from family or the child is much older such as in highschool, I would be quite hesitant to move. As one who has never had family around, I would cherish being in close proximty to my family. My husband and I have always lived far away from any immediate family and that is depressing. However in most situations if this wasn't a factor, if it is a better quality of life for the family---for example pay increase, lesser commute, better schools, the parents have to look at the bigger picture for the family.
I think that I mentioned that we are looking at a move out of state. My husband's job is slowing killing him. He has a horrible commute each day into the city, gets up at 4 am to make that commute, works in a pretty stressful environment. Add in a horrible tax situation and high cost of living, we need to get out of here. My daughter has mixed emotions--this is the only place that we've known. A few years ago we took a trip out to the state we want to move to, to check things out. We decided on our spring break this year to take another trip out there to visit long term friends, look around again and slowly get the kids used to the idea of moving. Last time we went out there, they enjoyed the trip, loved the state and when we returned here to NJ, everyone was bummed, lol. In our move though, I have mixed emotions. We are in an excellent school system and my daugher's middle school had been great in dealing with some of her issues. She doesn't have any friends though and has a bad reputation. School has not been a good experience for her. Even though we still have to tackle some of her problems and this year she has made great progress, a fresh start will do wonders. When/if we make our move, we are going to have to carefully look at the school system and see if we can get the same level of services and carefully balance our decision.
Will the kids be happy? They are still fairly young--10 and almost 13. If we don't make our move soon though, it will be harder and harder and then you get to that point of wondering if it is worth waiting it out until they are 18 and out of the nest.
Sheesh! What a quandary this thread is discussing! Kids have to understand that the world doesn't always go their way, and that often sacrifices for the family or other larger group are needed.
Still, to uproot a kid from his friends and, in fact, much of his whole world! That is almost as bad as when the parents get a divorce.
I have no answer, and I'm damn glad I never had to make such a decision.
I agree that there are times when it is in the best interests of the entire family to pick up and move. If moving means having a job and keeping a roof over their heads, food on the table, college accounts funded - then you do what you have to do.
That said, I wouldn't expect to a kid to just buck up, deal and "get over it" if they were feeling sad about leaving their friends, extended family, school, community and a home that they love. I would do everything I could to emphasize the positive points of the new area and I would try to make the move as much an adventure as possible. But I can see how a transition like that could be really tough on a kid. And I would be sensitive to their feelings.
I think she got one word wrong. It should read, "Well, that is what you do as a mother-- you put your kids well-being above everything else.
Kids can be unhappy if they don't get a toy they want. It would be damaging to them to make sure a child never experienced any hardship. In this case, it would be very healthy for the child to learn to make do with what has been given to him.
A good book for this woman is, The Blessing of a Skinned Knee by Wendy Mogel.
I haven't read all the responses, but the bolded is what came to my mind when I read the first post. I think it's important to take them into consideration before making a big move - ie are there opportunities for them in the new place, are they at an age where it would be difficult to make a move. That kind of thing. If my child were one of the unfortunate kids who was being bullied to death in school I would likely move if it was the only option. I chose to bring him into this world and his life is our priority. But we will not cater to his whims. I would look at a therapist if he were depressed in the coworker's case.
We moved every 4 years. I don't ever remember complaining or being depressed until the move in HS came. But I still never questioned my parents about it. When the news came, you just packed and went.
I remember my sister calling because her husband had been transferred to another town a few hours north of where they lived. Her daughter was 16..the same age I was on our next to last move. She asked me how Mom and Dad got me to move....I was silent for a moment and replied. They are the parents...they made that decision. I had no choice. Today I'm not bitter about it. Hindsight it was probably the best move for us. We were at a dangerous age and drinking was the activity of choice in that town.
Do I wish I lived in the same town my whole life and have the bonds others have....sometimes yes. But I wouldn't be the person I am now if that had happened.
I can't even discuss questioning my parents decision because it was never an issue. Children should NEVER rule the house. The parents need to do what's best for everyone...not just the child.
Well there are so many different kinds of people and circumstances, and variables we don't know about the original situation posed to us that possibly the OP doesn't know either.
I think that obviously a good parent will have the kids' best interests in mind at all times regardless of what is happening or needs to happen. Sometimes kids DO need to adapt to changes in circumstance, sometimes hardship DOES build character, and life WILL call for coping skills...having the kids' best interests in mind doesn't mean capitulating to their every whim.
I just really think people need to walk a cautious line between being a cool parent (the kind that is forever trying to give happiness regardless of the cost) and a strong, in control parent (the kind who understands the need, sometimes, for tough love.) My Mom was the "cool" Mom. She wanted me to think she was cool, she is and was completely weak and insecure. As a teenager I manipulated and walked all over her. Any time I didn't get what I wanted, I used "depression" to get my way. And yes, I know it's a real disease and that...but I also know that some teens (like me) will absolutely fall into the whole staying in bed all the time and threatening self-harm just to try and push their parents into letting them have their way. At one point I lived in a walkout basement with a locking interior door and a fireplace, with my (mostly male) friends and FWB over all the time partying with me. I was about 15/16 and was getting away with anything I wanted to do right under her nose, and she had no idea what to do about it. The only reason I graduated, grew up, and managed not to get AIDS and die is that I was eventually sent off to live with an elderly Aunt who reformed me (may her soul forever rest in peace.) And not for one instant would she have let me whine and wallow in self-pity because I didn't get my way. She'd have talked me out of it and then took me to one of the multitude of activities we did, such as symphony, or volunteering at Hospice or the Nature Center.
You don't necessarily have to be all "shut up and deal with it." I'm saying a positive attitude and redirection...all of which require time and effort on a parent's part...are the best approaches.
I've been coming back to this thread and thinking about it a bit more. If the move is away from family or the child is much older such as in highschool, I would be quite hesitant to move. As one who has never had family around, I would cherish being in close proximty to my family. My husband and I have always lived far away from any immediate family and that is depressing. However in most situations if this wasn't a factor, if it is a better quality of life for the family---for example pay increase, lesser commute, better schools, the parents have to look at the bigger picture for the family.
I think that I mentioned that we are looking at a move out of state. My husband's job is slowing killing him. He has a horrible commute each day into the city, gets up at 4 am to make that commute, works in a pretty stressful environment. Add in a horrible tax situation and high cost of living, we need to get out of here. My daughter has mixed emotions--this is the only place that we've known. A few years ago we took a trip out to the state we want to move to, to check things out. We decided on our spring break this year to take another trip out there to visit long term friends, look around again and slowly get the kids used to the idea of moving. Last time we went out there, they enjoyed the trip, loved the state and when we returned here to NJ, everyone was bummed, lol. In our move though, I have mixed emotions. We are in an excellent school system and my daugher's middle school had been great in dealing with some of her issues. She doesn't have any friends though and has a bad reputation. School has not been a good experience for her. Even though we still have to tackle some of her problems and this year she has made great progress, a fresh start will do wonders. When/if we make our move, we are going to have to carefully look at the school system and see if we can get the same level of services and carefully balance our decision.
Will the kids be happy? They are still fairly young--10 and almost 13. If we don't make our move soon though, it will be harder and harder and then you get to that point of wondering if it is worth waiting it out until they are 18 and out of the nest.
Yes, I think if you do move, you should probably do it soon -- moving in high school years would be probably the most difficult -- but it depends a lot on the kids and their personalities, outgoingness, and the closeness of their friendships and other bonds.
We moved every 4 years. I don't ever remember complaining or being depressed until the move in HS came. But I still never questioned my parents about it. When the news came, you just packed and went.
I remember my sister calling because her husband had been transferred to another town a few hours north of where they lived. Her daughter was 16..the same age I was on our next to last move. She asked me how Mom and Dad got me to move....I was silent for a moment and replied. They are the parents...they made that decision. I had no choice. Today I'm not bitter about it. Hindsight it was probably the best move for us. We were at a dangerous age and drinking was the activity of choice in that town.
Do I wish I lived in the same town my whole life and have the bonds others have....sometimes yes. But I wouldn't be the person I am now if that had happened.
I can't even discuss questioning my parents decision because it was never an issue. Children should NEVER rule the house. The parents need to do what's best for everyone...not just the child.
I don't see it as letting kids rule the house. I always saw it as me choosing to give my kids the most stable life that I could and as a child, I wanted to give my kids a similar childhood to the one that I had myself.
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