Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I don't have kids but am considering adoption with my partner. We had several foster kids over the years but do not have a child right now and are thinking about adding to our household permanently.
Recently, I got embroiled in a discussion with a coworker about some issues she was having with her 11 year old son. Apparently, the kid does not like the city where his parents moved (due to availability of work) and is now "depressed". The coworker has already switched his schools, his room, and tried to accommodate his adjustment to the new city in a variety of ways. She and her husband are sincerely looking into relocating back to where they lived previously though it will mean financial hardship in order to make the child happier. When I expressed mild shock at this line of thought my coworker replied "Well, that is what you do as a mother-- you put your kids happiness above everything else."
My own mama was an exemplary human who worked several jobs in order to keep us clothed, fed and out of trouble. I think she is a great example of putting us as her priority, but I can say this-- mama would have never moved just because we weren't happy with a new city, especially if it meant less opportunity for her to make the money we needed. She also worked her butt off, but was no one's doormat-- she recognized her value, the value of her own happiness, and the need to raise kids who think the world does not revolve around them.
What do you think of this situation? Am I just being crabby or is this a reasonable parenting expectation?
No, it isn't reasonable. I draw the line at health and security, and the parent's ability to find work provides a lot of that security. Happiness is nice, but I never was willing to always forgo my own to make my kids happy. Sometimes they won out, sometimes my husband and I just did what made us happy (business trips where I had the chance to tag along were among those).
We've moved a few times due to work assignments, and I can't say my kids were thrilled initially. But, six months down the road, they adjusted, had friends and liked their new homes. You didn't mention how long your co-worker had been in the new city, but I'm guessing it isn't very long?
It is a question of putting the child's "happiness" (immediate happiness and/or gratification) first...or putting the child first in terms of teaching them realistic coping skills and adaptability. In my opinion.
I did make a major decision (what part of town to live in) based on my kid's needs. But it was out of a desire to see him continue in Orchestra and selecting a school district here in the city we moved to, that had it at his grade level. That is considering his long term development, since playing viola is a big deal to him and I think it will be a lifelong thing. But would I initiate a major relocation just because he complained or missed his old home? Not a chance. Sometimes you just have to stick it out, and better kids learn that now, than later.
You're absolutely right. And I feel sorry for this parent you know, because that kid is about to be a teenager, and teenagers are good enough at trying to walk all over their parents without this kind of encouragement.
It sounds like you've got your head screwed on right, you and your partner will make great parents. Best wishes.
I don't have kids but am considering adoption with my partner. We had several foster kids over the years but do not have a child right now and are thinking about adding to our household permanently.
Recently, I got embroiled in a discussion with a coworker about some issues she was having with her 11 year old son. Apparently, the kid does not like the city where his parents moved (due to availability of work) and is now "depressed". The coworker has already switched his schools, his room, and tried to accommodate his adjustment to the new city in a variety of ways. She and her husband are sincerely looking into relocating back to where they lived previously though it will mean financial hardship in order to make the child happier. When I expressed mild shock at this line of thought my coworker replied "Well, that is what you do as a mother-- you put your kids happiness above everything else."
That is not putting your child first. That is setting your child up to be a spoiled, entitled wreck. A child's happiness is not the parent's main concern, or should not be. The raising of a responsible, capable, mature individual is. And in order to do that, the child is going to suffer some bumps along the way.
When I expressed mild shock at this line of thought my coworker replied "Well, that is what you do as a mother-- you put your kids happiness above everything else."
I think she got one word wrong. It should read, "Well, that is what you do as a mother-- you put your kids well-being above everything else.
Kids can be unhappy if they don't get a toy they want. It would be damaging to them to make sure a child never experienced any hardship. In this case, it would be very healthy for the child to learn to make do with what has been given to him.
A good book for this woman is, The Blessing of a Skinned Knee by Wendy Mogel.
I think it is a parent's responsibility to ensure to their children's long term success. I do not think that means that a parent is responsible for making sure a child is happy every minute of every day. It is the parents' responsibility to decide where the family will live. Parents should take into account the long term needs of all members of the family as well as the needs of the family unit. I think it impossible to say, based on the OP's post whether it makes sense for this family to move.
That seems to have happened on a few threads recently!
I also agree that well-being and happiness are two different things. Parenting with the goal of one's child never being unhappy is a recipe for disaster. Who knows what the mom in the OP scenario meant when she said one must put the child's happiness first, though. I can't see a scenario in our family where the children would dictate where we lived. Let me add my congrats to your potential impending parenthood, OP.
I don't have kids but am considering adoption with my partner. We had several foster kids over the years but do not have a child right now and are thinking about adding to our household permanently.
Recently, I got embroiled in a discussion with a coworker about some issues she was having with her 11 year old son. Apparently, the kid does not like the city where his parents moved (due to availability of work) and is now "depressed". The coworker has already switched his schools, his room, and tried to accommodate his adjustment to the new city in a variety of ways. She and her husband are sincerely looking into relocating back to where they lived previously though it will mean financial hardship in order to make the child happier. When I expressed mild shock at this line of thought my coworker replied "Well, that is what you do as a mother-- you put your kids happiness above everything else."
My own mama was an exemplary human who worked several jobs in order to keep us clothed, fed and out of trouble. I think she is a great example of putting us as her priority, but I can say this-- mama would have never moved just because we weren't happy with a new city, especially if it meant less opportunity for her to make the money we needed. She also worked her butt off, but was no one's doormat-- she recognized her value, the value of her own happiness, and the need to raise kids who think the world does not revolve around them.
What do you think of this situation? Am I just being crabby or is this a reasonable parenting expectation?
It's the parent's choice. There is no right or wrong. What one person decides is reasonable doesn't apply to anyone else. I have no idea what I'd do in that situation, but certainly moving would be a possibility. It's very personal and I don't think it's fair to try to judge the decisions other people make with regard to making their children happy (no matter whether they put the child's happiness above all else or not).
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
